The Best Christmas Gift Ever

Guess what I got for Christmas? A stocking full of hot flashes. Thank you Santa!

Being only 43, I think this is some sort of cruel joke. At first I thought the rise in temperature was just the effects of global warming. But then I remembered global warming was happening outdoors, not in my clothes.

Possible relief? Well, I'm thinking of throwing on a pair of Depends and filling them with ice. Maybe streaking thorough my backyard at night in the snow would be both fun and helpful.

And oh joy, oh joy - I just read that this 'transition' usually starts several years before the actual event and lasts an average of 4 years but can continue for as long as 10. I could get another college degree in that time. While I'm in prison. Because PMS for me now stands for Pass My Shotgun. If this is just the opening act, I can't wait for the main attraction.

Now if you would please excuse me, I have to go throw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.

I'm Smarter Now, Really

I played one of those brain training games that have been all the rage this holiday season. My initial pass calculated my brain age to be in the 50's. I'm thinking that the first time the results are skewed to the higher side to get you to come back and continue your training. But just in case, I'm taking off points for each glass of wine I had with Christmas dinner. So my score is now 37.

The ideal score is 20. That must be because I was just so smart when I was that age. Let's see,what did I know back then? I knew I was straight. Ok, not so smart there. I knew I wanted to have kids. Not so much. I was sure knowing that the derivative of X^2 is 2X would somehow be beneficial to me. Keep going Einstein. I knew that my friends would probably be married before I was. Ding ding ding.....extra bonus points there smarty pants.

I'll give that game another round or two. But I'm stopping before I get my score to 20. That would be way too dangerous.

In This Corner, Weighing 35 Pounds....

I stayed in Boston Wednesday night at my friend Stiffy's house. She had to work until 10:00 so I volunteered to watch her two boys, 4 and 9 years old. The 9 year old was no problem at all. The 4 year old, who shall be known as Road Runner for the purposes of this post, could not quite grasp the concept of why his brother could stay up later than he could.

I explained to him that if he really did want to grow up to be bigger than his brother as he had stated, he would need to sleep so he could grow tall and strong. After 5 or 6 pretend calls to Santa and to the police, I finally gave up and got settled on the pull-out sofa, pretending not to care that he was still running around the living room.

He sat next to the sofa watching me while whispering "CJ's a baby, CJ's a baby." I rolled over and said "Yes, but at least I'm tall." At which point he told me that I was short (I'm 5' 7"), that he could beat me up and that he was also 'going to kick me in the peanuts.' Hmmm, the peanuts. Not sure that will get you anywhere buddy.

This morning he knocked on the bathroom door at 6:00 as I was getting ready. "CJ, I want you to sleep over tonight" he said.

No way Road Runner. I may not have any peanuts to kick, but I'm not taking any chances, you three foot man of steel.

Note: Road Runner is an adorable kid and I really do love him. Plus, his Mom reads my blog.

The Ear Lock

CJ's Brain: Oh no, here they come again. Can't they understand that one of the reasons I get to work early is because I actually have things I need to get done by 8:00 AM.

Co-Worker: "Good Morning. How we doing today?" (Co-worker now pulls up chair beside my desk)

CJ's Brain: S*$t. Maybe if I just keep on typing they will get the clue.

Co-Worker: "Are you all set for Christmas? What are your holiday plans?"

CJ: "Oh you know, just the usually family thing. What about you?"

CJ's Brain: Big dummy! Never ask them questions. Now you're screwed. Here comes the ear lock.

Co-Worker: "Well my daughter who lives in Florida is coming up with the grandkids. You know we haven't see them in over six months. It' tough with her husband's new job for them to get away much. "

CJ's Brain: Do I have a hair appointment this weekend? Is there a 10:00 meeting today?

Co-Worker: "They'll get here sometime on Friday. We'll pick them up from the airport and then maybe head out to dinner. Saturday we'll just take it easy. Then on Sunday we have our annual cookie bake which will be great this year now that the grandkids are old enough to participate. Monday is Christmas Eve of course so we'll be yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda...

CJ's Brain: Please stop talking. Please oh please oh please stop. Are my ears bleeding yet?

My Hotel Room Mini Bar

Mini Bar, Mini Bar go away,
Four bucks for Oreos is too much to pay.

Mini Bar, Mini Bar one more quick lookie
Give up that Sprite before I choke on my cookie.

Mini Bar, Mini Bar what's that you say?
Your Macadamia nuts are quite fresh today?

Mini Bar, Mini Bar you've won again,
Mini Bar, Mini Bar you're not my friend.

Mall Teeth

The shopping malls seem to be over-run with what I call "mini stores" - those set-ups in the middle of the mall where they sell perfume, cell phones, candy, and, much to my surprise, teeth whitening. Yes, you can have your teeth bleached to a beautiful pearly white while taking a break from your holiday shopping.

So what if you are center stage in a mall full of people sitting in a dental chair, your mouth all full of trays of whitening gel and a bright blue light beaming onto your face. The protective goggles will neatly conceal your identity until you are ready to impress the world with your new look. You'll be the bell of the ball this holiday season!

If you don't believe me, just ask this satisfied customer!

Photo courtesy of Cathy T (aka Mrs. Moto)

Greetings From The North Pole

If you are like most people, you probably have already seen about 100 of these already. But for those of you that have not had the pleasure, it's time to go and Elf Yourself!

Click to see a holiday message from CJ the elf.

The Second Pain Of Christmas

These bags contain the ten Poinsettias I bought. I put them on the floor below a table on which a small Christmas tree sits. One or two wouldn't look right. I need ten. Ten looks good. So I suck it up and I buy ten. I'm too accustomed to having them around at Christmas not to buy them.

This is my second pain of Christmas. Why? Because ten Poinsettias won't fit in one cart or can't be brought out to the car in one trip. The dogs think they make a tasty snack. And the leaves fall off and make a mess.

When all is said and done however, they really do look beautiful and they do fill the house with Christmas spirit and warmth. I guess they're not such a pain after all. Not like those outdoor lights that I still haven't strung.

Side Note :From all that I have read, these plants are not poisonous so I don't wig out when the dogs start munching on them. But don't hold me responsible if your Fluffy gets sick after eating a whole plant in one sitting.

Coco Reindeer

The reindeer is a majestic animal that inhabits the frozen arctic tundra. It has adapted remarkably to a harsh,barren habitat where food is scarce much of the year. It is an excellent swimmer. Aided by a thick coat that traps air and gives good buoyancy in the water, it can easily swim across wide rivers.

The smaller variety, shown here, is native to North America. This species, known as the Coco Reindeer, is extremely rare. Weighing only 6 - 8 lbs, this reindeer has many of the same attributes as her larger cousin in the tundra. And of course, like all reindeer, the Coco Reindeer can fly.

Good Morning Pioneer Valley

There was a beautiful sunrise here this morning. These pictures were taken at 7:10 AM. And this time I was not driving my car down the Mass Pike as I was shooting. I was riding my motorcycle.

The sky reminded me of that saying my mother used to always quote - "Red sky in morning, sailors take warning. Red sky at night, sailors delight". It works better for this post than my sister's saying "If red, raise the head. If pale, raise the tail". My sister has a sailor saying but I can't repeat that here.

And as I'm sure you guessed, I was kidding about the motorcycle. I took these pictures from my back deck while having my morning martini.

Ok, ok, I stumbled out of bed and took these while I was still half asleep. No motorcycles or martinis involved. Happy Friday!

Coffee Haiku

My coffee cup had an invitation to Haiku. So, taking the lead (ok, maybe stealing) from Chewy, I decided to give this a girl twirl. Here goes:

River on my desk

Coffee spill flows towards papers

Swears echo through room

Right Place, Right Time, Wrong People

I did something yesterday at work that I have never done before. I walked into my standing 3:00 Monday meeting and took my place at the conference table. A few of the regulars filed in along with a few not so regulars. Oh well, special guests I thought. Within 15 seconds of the start of the meeting, I knew something was not right. "What are we talking about", I said to myself. When it dawned on me that I was sitting in a meeting to which I had not been invited, I put my head down and began to take notes. Image is everything. Since I was peripherally associated with the topic at hand, I pretended to show interest while I jotted down bits and pieces of the discussion. I imagine the organizer was thinking to himself "Why is she here, I didn't invite her." I made it through, no questions asked. I got back to my desk and threw away my notes.

The First Pain Of Christmas

Tree is up. Got that out of the way today. My quads are killing me from going up and down the steep, rickety, pull down stairs that lead to the storage above the garage where the ornaments and decorations are stored. I have scratches on my arms from pulling down and straightening the fake branches. I broke at least 4 ornaments that I either dropped or that fell off the tree. The garland smells like it is made of hazardous chemicals. And the plastic tree needles leave some sort of residue on my hands, again probably something that is going to poison me. Can't wait to string the outside lights.

The Stove Guards

Left Guard With Strong Biceps: "Keep CJ away from the stove. I hear she only knows how to make crackers and cheese."

Small But Wiry Guard: "Don't worry, I ran her over with my walker. She's flat on the living room rug."

Guard With An Attitude:"Would you video my son already?!"

Lost Turkeys

Has anyone seen the turkeys that used to roam my property here in Western Mass? It's funny, they just disappeared all of a sudden.

Be Careful What You Write

--"Why don't you want to video my son?"
--"I don't even have a camcorder yet. What are you talking about?"
--"I saw your blog about the camcorder."
--"You read my blog? I thought you just read it when I asked you to."
--"I read your blog all the time."

Oh, oh. My niece, who shall be known as SJ for this post, noticed a previous post which contained the following reference to her son, my great nephew:

Don't film boring things and then attempt to share them with friends. The great nieces and nephews may be cute, but no one wants to see two hours of them opening presents or eating cake. I don't even want to see that.

Geez, had I known you read my blog so much, I would have posted this picture sooner. Remember the 80's SJ? Are those my glasses? I wonder if you'll see this?

Well, You Asked

In addition to the tag email mentioned in the previous post, I also received a message from another buddy that requested I send along my favorite recipe to her, one other person listed in the instructions, and 5 other individuals. In return, I would receive all sorts of interesting recipes sent from folks all over the country. Sounds like fun. Here's my contribution:

One half box party pack cracker assortment
One 4 ounce block Sharp Cheddar cheese
One 4 ounce block Smoked Gouda cheese
Two bottles Truro Vineyards White Table Wine, chilled

Open box of crackers and remove from package. Place crackers on plate. Open cheese. Cut cheese into slices and place on plate next to crackers. Open first bottle of wine and pour into glasses. Enjoy! Serves 2 - 3, depending on how much fun you are having (or want to have).

Another Game of Tag

My friend Stiffy One-Two emailed me another tag game. I'm sending this out as a general tag to anyone who is interested. This is a little long so feel free to edit and answer as you like.

Two names you go by (besides your given name):
1. CJ
2. Schwetty (don't ask)

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. Jeans
2. Winnie the Pooh unmentionables (not as sexy as Stiffy's thong but still cute)

Two longest car rides:
1. Drive to Montreal - worth the trip, a fun city
2. Drive to Florida - remind me not to do that again

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Ride my Motorcycle
2. Blog

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. Purchase a camcorder (hopefully today)
2. My mother to stop driving my sister crazy (will never happen)

Three animals you have or have had:
1. Yorkies - Coco and Cierra
2. Cats - Bustapher, Gertie, Biff
3. Hamster -Chippy

Three people who will (hopefully) fill this out:
1. Chewy
2. Ronia
3. Cristina

Three Things you ate today:
1. Nothing
2. Nothing
3. Nothing - it's still early

Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. Housework
2. Going to Opa Opa I hopa hopa

Two favorite holidays:
1. Halloween
2. July 4th - Nothing beats PTown on July 4th!

Two favorite beverages:
1. Water
2. Sam Adams

Tag! You're it! Your turn!

Lights, Camera, Action

After weeks of research and deliberation, I have finally decided on a camcorder to purchase. With this purchase however, comes a certain amount of responsibility. So, before my camcorder arrives, I am publicly announcing the ground rules for the aforementioned item.

1. Don't film boring things and then attempt to share them with friends. The great nieces and nephews may be cute, but no one wants to see two hours of them opening presents or eating cake. I don't even want to see that.
2. Everyone must be fully clothed in all videos.
3. Rule 2 can be ignored on Friday and Saturday after 9:00 PM.
4. The camcorder is to be safely locked away in situations where alcohol may be consumed.
5. Rule 4 can be ignored if Rule 2 has been bypassed.
6. Permission should be asked and granted before filming unsuspecting individuals.
7. Rule 6 can be ignored if it makes for good video that would be a big hit on the Internet.
8. No one is allowed to borrow the camcorder. If I'm going to get caught on tape doing something that is immature, illegal or embarrassing, it is not going to be captured on something I bought and paid for. I shouldn't have to worry about this unless Rules 2 and 4 are not being enforced.
9. Co-workers will not be informed of or granted access to my YouTube account.
10. Rule 9 can never be ignored.
    

Boston Bird

If I can just hide behind this tree for a week or so, I should be all set. Meow.

Move In Condition!

Newly listed! Sunshine abounds in this one birdroom condo on quiet street. Easy flight to gourmet bird feeders and public bath. Newer construction with only one previous owner. The high ceilings and open floor plan make this a must see! Open House this Saturday, 6:00 AM - 9:00 AM. Call Robin at Cardinal Realty for more information.

Working For A Living

I was whining to myself today about having to go back to work tomorrow after a long weekend. Then I remembered about some of the jobs I used to have.

I once worked in the women's clothing department in a large discount retail store in Springfield. I never got to announce a blue light special, but I could frequently be heard over the intercom saying "Housekeeping to the women's dressing room with a mop". Apparently not having a bathroom in the store was not about to stop some people from relieving themselves. Luckily I had my wisdom teeth ripped out that summer and it gave me an excuse to call in frequently.

I also worked as a counselor at a sports camp. I had always been athletic, but swimming and gymnastics were not two of my strong points and they were both big events at this camp. My favorite game to play with my group of precious darlings was Campers Lie Still. The kid who could lie (or is it lay - I can never remember that) quietly on the grass without moving for the longest period of time was the winner. Parent's Day was always fun, especially when it came to my group and gymnastic equipment. Love the expression on Mom when her kid lands flat on her face while attempting a penny drop from the uneven bars. Oops. No tips for CJ.

Done whining now.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

Does anyone remember Jarts - that lawn game where you had those giant darts that you tossed from one end of the yard to the other, trying to land your Jart in the little plastic yellow ring that you set up on the edge of your parent's grass? I loved that game. I saw today that it was number one on a list of 'the 10 most dangerous playthings of all time'. Sure it was dangerous. And yes, I know it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's just fun. I'm fairly certain this game is banned in Massachusetts. Too bad. Seems like it would be great to play after a martini or two.

And what happened to Loony Balloony (also known as Super Elastic Bubble Plastic)? I remember needing to have a note to buy glue for my model airplanes yet I could buy this stuff at the corner store. I would slap a wad of it onto the red straw that came in the package and create awesome psychedelic colored balloons. Or maybe the balloons were clear, and I was too stoned from the polyvinyl acetate polymer benzene that was used to make the stuff to really know the difference. Lasting side effects? Maybe. Not any worse than having a Jart stuck in your head.

Ahh, good times.

Porn Star

The Book Cover Tag from the previous post reminded me of another name game. Take the name of your first pet and the name of the street on which you grew up, and you've got your porn star name. My official porn name would be Cuddles Lachine.

If I take my different pet's names and the street I was living on at the time, I can expand my list. I would have, in no particular order, the following names from which to choose:

1. Biff Englewood
2. Cierra Ventura
3. Gertie Raymond
4. Bustapher Rodman
5. Coco Ellswood

I think these are way more creative than some of the names the porn stars of today are using. Not that I know any of these names. Except for one - and no, she is not a relative. I will leave it at that.

Book Cover Tag

From what I can see, Pijush tagged Chewy and Chewy sent out a tag for those interested in playing. So here goes my attempt.

Only one rule:
Go to the Amazon Advanced Book Search and type your first name - or - your screen name into the "Title" field, and post the most interesting/amusing cover that shows up.

Here's what I found:

Thanks Chewy and Pijush! Nice to know there are a couple of manuals out there for me if I need one!

Ghouls Just Wanna Have Fun

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

(Weird how sometimes only your face turns pale after being bit by a vampire)

Red Sox On Parade

The Red Sox World Series Victory Parade, Boston

Pictures From The Ride

These are some photos I took while on my commute home yesterday. The top photo is the Mass Pike in Newton. This part of the Pike always stinks. You are bumpa to bumpa (as they say in Bahhston) so it's easy for drivers to see into other people's cars, which is usually ok unless you are snapping photos. Then you get some odd stares. People are so uptight when it comes to this whole safe driving thing.

The middle photo shows commuting essentials. Obviously you have to be careful with the water consumption (refer to photo 1). The candy has been in my car for a month - it's just an emergency snack in case I need a little sugar pick me up while driving. No coffee, for it can create issues similar to the water. Books on tape are a great way to pass the time. Creepy books are not good because they make me think someone who is hiding in the way back of the car will eventually pop out and kill me.

The last photo is a shot of the sky around 5:15 pm. This was tricky to shoot because that damn guardrail kept trying to come into my lane.

Maybe next week I'll try taking some shots from a different angle, like the backseat.

Climb Every Mountain (Or At Least Take A Picture)

I'm a Cowgirl from the West,
With Big Mountains on My Chest*

Editor's Note: CJ has agreed to commute into the office 4 days a week for the next month or so (as opposed to her usual three days). Posts for the next fours weeks may appear childish, incoherent, or just plain stupid. In addition, expect more spelling errors than usual.

Leaf No Stone Unturned

I guess this one never rolled.

Oh Deer

Driving West on the Mohawk is fun,
The Fall scenery is second to none.

But if it's deer that you seek,
Then you better act meek,

For when you shout "There's the effing deer" then they run.

Brew Ha Ha

Schaefer is the one beer to have
When you're having more than one.
Schaefer's pleasure doesn't fade
Even when your thirst is done.

The most rewarding flavor
In this man's world.
For people who are having fun, fun, fun, fun, ....
Schaefer is the one beer to have
When you're having more than one.

Apparently this little diddy also works well with Pabst Blue Ribbon. However, when drinking Spaten Octoberfest, you can not go one for one with your buddies who are consuming the two aforementioned beers.

Where's my Advil?

Ant Music

It's 1:20 in the morning. And I should not be up listening to Bronski Beat, Missing Persons, Depeche Mode, Ministry, or any other 80's tune I have stored away on my ipod. My coming of age, my discovery period, whatever I call it, the 80's were good to me. I learned who I was, what I wanted to be, and I was young enough to get away with things that I couldn't now. Ground Zero,Axis, Venus De Milo, The Rat, ManRay and various other Boston bars were my playgrounds. War Dancing, Doc Martens, and vintage clothing were just as important as getting up for work and paying the rent. A haircut every 4 weeks with my head shaved up the back, Harvard Square, the cute bartender at Bobbby's, my first girlfriend, did you really get us tickets for The Cure? REM, Love and Rockets, Public Image Limited, New Order - oh man, I'm really dating myself.

I'll be honest - I do miss it a little bit. But not enough to want to go back.

These Boots Were Made For Sleeping

I'm walking down the stairs of my usual parking garage early this morning, trying not to trip as I did two weeks ago, when I spy something that startles me out of my morning stupor. There, underneath the landing at the bottom of the stairs, I see a pair of horizontal legs, construction boot clad feet toes down. I'm now thinking 'that's an odd position to be in to do electrical work'. When I get to the bottom, still alone in the stairwell (except of course for the body I assume is attached to the legs), I peer around the last stair to see a man lying face down on the cement. Hmmmm, this is not good. So what are my options here? I could approach, but this being Boston and seeing no other people around makes me question if that is such a good idea. And what if the guy needs mouth to mouth or something? Or he is shot in the head? Not something I want to see at any time during the day, never mind before 7:00 AM. I decide this one is better left to a professional who deals in such matters.

So I walk back up the stairs to the garage office on the third floor and summon one of the employees. He follows me down to the scene and attempts to see if he can get a response from this man. Turns out, the guy is just sleeping one off. Feeling better about the situation, I head out of the garage and continue on my way to the office.

Parking garage in Boston - $35.00 per day, hotel accommodations - $250.00 per night, combining the two - priceless (literally).

Ernie

I'm not sure why, but for some reason I got the feeling I was supposed to post this today. After my Father passed away, my Mother sold the house that they lived in for 40+ years. My father passed in the house. Right after we sold it, I went back in and took pictures of all the rooms. I've seen in various shows and publications where they discussed orbs - those round bubble looking objects that sometime appear in photos. They are supposed to be the energy of those that have passed. I took pictures of every room in the house with a disposable camera. When I got the prints developed, the only room that showed anything that looked like an orb was the room in which my father passed. I agree that it could have been something with the film, lighting, or the camera itself. I just thought it was odd that the only picture that showed this was the aforementioned room. And the orb appears over the area in which he passed.

Anyway, since this blog is named after you Ernie (in a round about way), here's the picture.

Side note: My father passed on the 13th of January 2003. I just noticed the post date. Not the same month obviously, but the same day of the month. Probably doesn't mean anything.

Organization Of Wack-A-Doos for Marriage

From CBS 3 Springfield:

A national group is accusing a local state representative of lying to voters.The National Organization for Marriage posted a billboard off I-91 calling Representative Angelo Puppolo a traitor.The billboard titled Betrayed compares Puppolo to Judas and Benedict Arnold, because the group says during his campaign he promised to vote for putting a question on next year's ballot that would ban same sex marriages in the Bay State. But Puppolo voted against the question, and the New Jersey based organization says this is a betrayal to voters.

From Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:

"In Iran, we don't have homosexuals, like in your country."


To Members of The National Organization for Marriage:

It would be my great pleasure to start a relief organization to finance your relocation to an area where you would be free from the number one scourge of this country - homosexual marriage. I'm sure President Ahmadinejad would welcome you with open arms.

Hugs and Kisses,

CJ

What Did You Say?

Boston words and phrases that often get lost in translation:

1. Winta Tigha - Those 4 round rubber objects you put on your car (cah) so you can drive through the snow.
2. I'm onnit like a honnit - To jump onto a task and stick with it until completion.
3. Kahkeys - Casual pants, can be worn in the office or down the Cape. " I like to buy my kahkeys at L.L. Bean."
4. Your sister's ass - Usually used as an expletive or said in a moment of frustration. Emphasis should be on the word 'ass'.
5. The Pole - Refers to the street sign outside one's residence. Examples include Resident Parking, Tow Zone, Commercial Vehicles Only, and the like. "I need to take the dog out to the pole".

A Cheer For Autumn

Pumpkin this and pumpkin that,

Fall is here and I feel fat.

Cider donuts, apple pies,

Adding inches to my thighs.

Football snacks and mugs of beer,

Up a size oh dear, oh dear.

It's time to stop, it's time to quit,

I think I felt my pants just split.

Yeah Fall!!!!!!

The Making of an Iron Butt

One hundred miles in one day might not sound like much to most seasoned riders, but for me, it is a pretty big deal. I've been riding for a few years now, most of those on a permit. This spring I finally got serious, got my license, and upgraded to a bigger bike that would have a little more power for longer trips. On Saturday, I spent the whole day riding with friends and finally hit the 100 miles in one day mark. That's me in the red jacket. It matches my pretty red bike and red helmet. It's good to have a matching ensemble when you have a bad case of helmet hair - it distracts people away from your head.

I first took a motorcycle class about 7 years ago. Unfortunately, that whole klutz thing clicked into high gear and I had a little mishap. Apparently when the instructor tells you to gently squeeze the front brake, she/he is not just blowing smoke. I guess I just didn't grasp that whole concept. I thought squeeze hard, stop quick. It's more like squeeze hard, go flying off the bike, and blow out your ACL. Since I had already torn the ACL in my left leg a few years prior, it just made sense to have a matching set by blowing out the right knee.

For anyone contemplating leaning to ride, I highly recommend it. The Motorcycle Safety Course is offered at several locations and it just takes a weekend to get your license. Just remember to go easy on that front brake and you should be fine.

Class of 1982

What a week. Between commuting to Boston and running off to visit my Mother in rehab (for her hip, not for Lindsay Lohan type issues) I feel pretty spent. To top it all off, I just found out my 25th high school reunion got postponed from November 2007 to March 2008. Holy REO Speedwagon Batman. I had mentally prepared myself for all the standard reunion dialog and now I have to wait another4 months to use it.

"Hey CJ, I have five boys. What about you, any kids?"

"No, I hate kids. You can't legally crate them like you can dogs. Ughhh, what I meant to say was I just plain forgot to have them. That's why I look so much younger than you. Ummm, no really, I love kids. It's just that I have awesome great nieces and nephews and I can play with them when ever I want and then I can return them. (CJ thinking - I'm in really deep you know what now). Hey, that's a great dress you're wearing. Husband? Oh no. Never married. None worthy. Actually I like girls. Yeah, it was a shock to me too. (CJ thinking again - Oh &^%$*, why did I bother coming here). Springfield College. No, I didn't major in PE. Ok, sounds great, we should get together sometime. Nice to see you too."

Ahh yes, a few more months of practice is probably a good thing.

Spell Chek

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"—Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

"As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured."—New York, Sept. 26, 2007

Pay more attenton to the spell checker CJ and while youre at it, watch the grammer two, is you or is you not a colledge graduate?

The Big E Part Three

Before the nutrition police come to take me away, here is the list of goodies that three adult women are capable of plowing through in one day/night, either by grabbing a free sample or actually buying the whole package. Ok, here goes: black currant juice, maple cream in a cone, maple cotton candy, kettle corn, Italian ice, coconut macaroon, blueberry pie, lobster roll,baked potato with everything, nachos, beer, chips, fried cheese, more beer, fried oreos, a Polish plate, candy apple, martinis, more kettle corn, applie pie with cheese, cider, and a steak and cheese sub. You would think we were in competition with that giant pig we paid $1.00 to see. If we don't stop soon, next year folks will be paying a dollar to see us.

Genes That Like To Fall Down

I now understand the origins of my tripokluzomania. The other night, my 82 year old Mother decided to do a triple Salchow on her way to the bathroom at 3:00am, fell down, and fractured her hip. I spent most of yesterday visiting her at Mercy Hospital, where she is now recovering from hip surgery. I inquired as to what her next trick might be, but she did not seem to think that was funny. Apparently, I did not inherit my sense of humor from her, only my knack for tripping at the drop of a hat.

So, I'm off once again to check in on Mom. Hopefully the happy drugs have kicked in and I can get her to smile a bit. I'm thinking tonight is going to be a good night for a martini.

Must Be Something In The Water

I don't even know where to begin commenting on this one. All I can say is Groovy Marcia.

From HANNA SIEGEL Sept. 22, 2007 on http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment:

The book publisher for Maureen McCormick, who played Marcia Brady on the 1970s sitcom "The Brady Bunch," is shooting down rumors that she had a lesbian on-set affair with co-star Eve Plumb, who played her younger sister Jan.

Have A Nice Trip

Sometimes on my way into work, I think about blog topics. This morning, as I was exiting the parking garage via the stairwell, I got one foot stuck under the other and nearly took a header. I saved myself by somehow grabbing the rail. I was lucky because I think I would have landed on my face. Not a good look for me at work or any other time.

I'll be the first to admit I am a total klutz. I can be walking along and boom - suddenly I am down on one knee, having tripped over a pebble or a stray blade of grass. I fell in downtown Boston, on the sidewalk, on my way to lunch one day. That was fun. A young woman stopped to ask me if I was alright. I thought that was very nice of her, except for the fact that she called me ma'am, probably because she thought only the elderly and infirm could drop that like that.

When I was a kid, I crashed my 5 speed into a parked car - twice. There I was peddling with my head down one minute and practically sitting on someones trunk the next. That smarted. Good thing it wasn't a boy's bike.

I guess a quick trip is better than never getting away at all.

Because Almost Anything Fried Is Good

Big E round two. This is fried cheesecake, one of the heart stopping snacks you can enjoy at the the fair. It's good, but probably not worth the 5 point bump in cholesterol. Because there is so much ground to cover at the Big E however, I figure I must have easily walked this off. So a few hours after this little treat, I re-energized myself with some nachos grande followed by an apple pie chaser (with Cheddar of course). And no, I did not eat the butter sculpture,although it would have been good on top of a Maine baked potato. I will save that for Big E round three, which should be happening sometime next weekend.

Sock It To Me

I wore two different color socks to work today. It's not as though one was pink and was one green, but I still felt slightly self-conscious. My cube mate noticed - came right out and said it as I was looking down at the bottom of my pants. Thanks for noticing.

It's odd because I have another pair exactly like the one I wore today. Yes, I can hear you saying 'That's not funny CJ'. I will wear that pair tomorrow to get things back in synch.

I showed up to work once with my shirt inside out. That was worse.

Yes, it is pretty amazing that I make it to work at all some mornings. I think I need to go to bed earlier.

Miracle Mops and Martinis

I went to The Big E last night (http://www.thebige.com/). I have been going to the Big E since I was a little girl and every September I look forward to the start of the fair. For those of you who are not familiar, the Big E is a huge event complete with concerts, rides, shows, food, crafts, and all kinds of interesting merchandise including hot tubs, RV's, clothes, and of course, the indispensable Miracle Mop and Ginsu knife.

The first trip of the season to the Big E is basically a scouting mission for me. I try to cover as much ground as possible, making mental notes of all the things I will pick up on rounds two and three. So far this year I have determined that I need handmade soap and Cheddar cheese from the Vermont Building, and maybe some more flannel PJs. I've already had my Maine baked potato and decided that one was not enough - I will have to have another one before the week is out. The jury is still undecided as to which state makes the best maple cream, although the sample I had in the Massachusetts building was pretty darn good. I need to pick up a jar of that as well. And I need at least two big bags of Kettle Korn from New Hampshire.

Round two will hopefully occur before the week is out. And next time I will choose to visit either the Beer Garden OR the martini tent. Not both, at least not on the same trip.

The 'F' Word Is Alive And Well

I was driving behind a construction truck yesterday that had the following detailed on the back of the cab: "Silly F*****, D***s Are For Chicks". I am sure you can surmise that the 'F' word is a derogatory comment for homosexuals and the 'D' word is for a part of the lower male anatomy. I attempted to see who owned the truck but I could not get a full view of the company name.

Outraged, I went to the community forums on masslive.com (http://www.masslive.com/) and posted my thoughts on the matter, asking if anyone had seen this truck in the area before or knew who the company may be. I had a few responses to my post, basically asking me what my problem was and why did I think this was such a big deal. I responded by stating that if this had been a comment about a particular religious organization or a group of white folks of European descent, more people in this community would be outraged. When I went back this morning, my entire post and all the comments had been deleted.

I am very surprised that there are people in my community that think the 'F' word is acceptable. Obvioulsy there is still a lot of interloerance out there. Too bad.

Commuting Tips - How to Make The Drive More Fun

Today is Saturday, which means I get a break from driving to my job in Boston. I love what I do and I honestly don't hate my commute. By the end of the week however, I can get fairly tired from the trip. So, in order to stay sharp on my drive, I've adopted the following strategy to make things more fun,interesting and bearable.

Talk on the phone. Talk a lot. And don't use your blue-tooth wireless set up either. It's more challenging getting in and out of Boston if you have one hand on the wheel and one up to your ear.

Send text messages. Nothing says 'I love you' like a text message sent from a friend while navigating bumper to bumper traffic on the Mass Pike. My preferred technique - look down and type, look up for a quick lane check, back down again to type.

Scan the newspaper. No better time to get caught up on the days events than while you are just sitting in your car doing nothing.

Take mini-naps. Once you establish a path of travel, throw on the cruise control. If your lane is clear for as far as your eye can see, take a quick snooze to recharge.

And finally, if you see a silver 4-Runner near you on the Mass Pike between 5:15 and 7:00 (AM or PM), get out of the way. It's me.

No Fly Zone

There once was a college tour guide,
Whose zipper decided to slide.
So sad she didn't know,
Until the very end of her show,
And the whole group saw her pants open wide!

Sorry but I just could not resist. I will not let your identity out of the barn (door that is).

Here Come The Brides

I decided to add a watch list for blogs containing posts about gay marriage. As most of you know, here in Massahchusetts we gay and lesbian folk are allowed to tie the knot. I don't have many friends who actually took the plunge, but it's nice to know that most good people of the Commonwealth view gays and lesbians as equals under the law. We've been very sensitive in this state to the rights of others, ever since that whole witch hanging thing in Salem. I guess we realized that religion and politics don't mix. Anyway, for those of you needing a little more help to sort out your feelings about gay marriage, check out the blog post from http://mattke-johnson.com/barnblog/?p=17 entitled 10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage Is Wrong. It's got some of the most clever reasoning that I have read to date. Enjoy!

Don't Try This At Home Part 1

Come on in, the water's fine!

For some reason, bath time in Chicopee was more like a day at the beach. I would suite up with my girlie grandma white undies, diving mask, and occasionally a snorkel. And no, this was not when I was 14. It was when I was 12. Just kidding.....

Anyway, I guess the Summer Olympics must have been that year because for some reason I thought diving was a cool sport that could be done from just about anywhere - diving boards, cliffs, pool ladders, and yes, the bathroom floor. So with my Mom as an audience I took a flying leap into the back edge of the tub, head first, white undies flying up and into the 8 inches of water that filled my indoor pool. Now mind you, I had a pool out in the yard so there was no reason for me to think that the only way I could go swimming was in the tub. But for some reason I thought if I could do it outside, why not right here right now.

Needless to say, instead of a gold medal, I received a large Grade A Jumbo egg to the top of my forehead. And by some miracle of miracles, I did not break my neck or sustain permanent injury. Unless of course, you consider my current mindset, which still has a tendency to think doing dumb things is OK. Did I ever tell you about the time I ate the dirt from my sandbox?......

Technorati tagname Chicopee

How to Commute 154 Miles a Day Without Losing Your Mind

I get a lot of shocked looks when I tell people I commute from Western Mass to Boston, a drive of 77 miles each way. But honestly, it's not that bad. Take today for example. I got up at 4:00 AM, got ready, and hit the road by 5:08. A quick stop for gas and I'm off, commuting east on the Mass Pike into Government Center. I arrived at my desk by 6:45 AM and started work, eager and ready to face the day. I worked until 5:45 PM and then headed back to the parking garage where my commute home begins. I arrived home at 7:30, ate a little supper, and here I am. It's now 9:30 and I'm not really tired at all. I think tomorrow I will head over to the library, where I can pick up a dozen coconuts. Later I will cross the street so I will be ready for my new yellow shoes. If I do decide to ride Marsha Brady's unicycle over to the green brier banana patch, I will make sure I change the batteries in my umbrella. That way my vitamins will not expire before I have a chance to clean my pencils. And for those of you that know me well, you can be darn sure the cost of nails will not be a deterrent. Good night and have a pleasant rum twizzler.

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes Follow-Up

I feel I need to clarify a few things regarding my last post. First of all, I am not out to insult or antagonize anyone who smokes. I have people in my life that I love very dearly who are smokers. I believe that smokers, like anyone else, need to be respectful of those around them. I myself like the occasional cocktail or 12. And on those occasions when I get some bad ice, I do my best not to get sick on any one's shoes, pants, or anywhere in the general vicinity of their personal space. I expect no less of someone who is exhaling smoke.

I do not want to give the impression that I go around making a slob of myself trouser coughing in public any chance I get. I appreciate a good Dutch oven as much as the next person, but I am generally very private when in comes to things that occur from the waist to the knees. So, don't worry those of you that know me. You can still be seen out in public with me and I will behave, for the most part.

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

Ok, so I'm at the casino in CT today and I know it is a smoking environment which is cool because one bad vice deserves another and most people like to drink, smoke, and gamble simultaneously to get it all out of their system. So I'm playing my latest addiction, video poker (aka gambler's crack) when some fool sits next to me and proceeds to light up which again is ok because I know I am in a place where smoking is allowed and it is my choice to be there. But....if your smoke is drifting directly in my face while I am trying to relax, drink my free beer, and win some money, you are going to make me very annoyed. Of course I say nothing, because I am rather passive aggressive and would not say poop if I had a mouth full. Wouldn't be great if there was some way I could materialize a noxious fume in the general direction of the offender who not only wants to give himself lung cancer but apparently wants to take me along for the ride? Hmmm.......

Why I Like Motorcyles Better Then Men

1. Because a girl sitting on a bike is hotter than a girl sitting on a guy.


2. Because even though my bike has nice pipes, I don't have to touch them.


3. Because I can lock my bike in the garage when I am done with it for the day.


4. Because the only rubber I am interested in is the one on my tires.


5. Because I can ride for hours without my bike getting tired.

Pineapples Have No Wheels

Why did I create this blog? Mainly because I have too much craziness floating around in my brain and I was afraid if I did not let it escape my head would explode and make a mess all over the place. This is my outlet where I can say what I need to say, and not care about who hears it - except of course any current or future employers who may find me just a little to left of center. So here I go. Enjoy the ride.