Monday, December 30, 2013

Sit Down Please

I must have a reputation for sitting quite a bit as I got a squatty potty and a balance ball chair for Christmas. In fact, I'm using the balance ball as I type. Had you worried for half a second there didn't I?

Without giving away TMI, I think the balance ball chair would be great for my desk at work. The squatty potty not so much as I can't picture myself 1) actually sitting on a toilet seat at work and 2) without doing step 1 there is no step 2 and 3) who in their right mind needs a squatty potty at their desk?

I also got a new coffee maker which I guess works somewhat in tandem with both of these devices. You can use one of them while you drink your coffee and then you can use the other one when you are done.

All kidding aside, I think both the chair and the squatty potty are really innovative products and from what I can gather, pretty popular this holiday season. Thank you Blondie from the bottom of my heart bottom for always getting me such cool gifts.










Sunday, December 29, 2013

How To Eat A Pomegranate

First, learn how to spell it. The title of this post was originally How To Eat A Pomiganite. I can't spell worth a lick.

Ok then. For all you that are interested, this is my method for opening up and eating a pomegranate.

  1. Put on a white shirt. Always challenge yourself I say.
  2. Score the pomegranate by making a shallow circular cut around the middle.
  3. Pull the halves apart. It is best to do this standing over the kitchen sink.
  4. Wipe the red juice off your white shirt.
  5. Get a wooden spoon, the kind that's good for tapping people on the butt. Holding one half of the pomegranate upside down over a bowl, tap the back side of the fruit with the wooden spoon. Watch 3 seeds fall out.
  6. Mumble to yourself "screw this" and, still holding the pomegranate in the same position described in the above step, start removing the seeds with your thumbs. Watch big chunks of seeds and fruit flesh fall into your bowl and juice splash the side of the sink.
  7. Attempt to remove the seeds from the flesh by pulling them out with your fingers. 
  8. Go back to step 4.
  9. Did you know that the red juice from this fruit can discolor a stainless steel sink? Neither did I.
  10. After about 25 minutes or so, you should have the majority of seeds removed. Take a warm soapy sponge and wipe off the sides of the bowl, the sink, the kitchen curtains, the windowsill, and your shirt.
  11. Enjoy the fruits of your labor and remind yourself that bananas are a delicious and nutritious snack as well.

Being Better Or At Least Trying To

Agh. What a bad blogger I have been this year. I've wanted to post. I've thought about posting. I didn't write much. And every year at this time I say "I will be better next year!"

I got caught up with taking exercising classes, reading about photography, visiting my mother in the nursing home, working. Things that were important and sometimes time consuming but not always enjoyable.

Blogging depends a lot on my mood too. I have to be in that funny, crazy, happy place in order to write something that has a chance of making folks chuckle.

Seeing as it is December 29th, I'll say it once more. I will try to be a better blogger next year. Really.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

There's No "i" In Team but There is in "Cookie"

Cookie swap, cookie swap, oh cookie cookie swap. It's that time of year again :)  Time to pick out our cookie for the annual cookie swap for our good friends McCheesy and McMeaty's party.

Last year was an epic fail on my part.  Rum ball cookies that looked like dirt balls and tasted like shit balls.


This year I am going to let Blondie pick out the recipe. I'm hoping she ups her game and does not choose the dreaded Potato Chip Cookie again. While no where near as bad as the Extra Rummy In My Tummy Rum Balls, they were not the hit you would think they would be.

It's stressful. There is some tough competition at this event. But after one or two bottles glasses of wine, I start to relax and just enjoy myself.

So all your Julia and Martha wanna bees, what's the treat that can't be beat?*

*While technically there is no competition involved here, I consider our cookie to be a winner if 1) I  don't cut myself with any sharp implements during the preparation; 2) the stove/house does not catch on fire during the baking; 3) no one contracts a food-borne illness from our creation during the party.

Monday, November 25, 2013

It's A Sign


This note is taped to the closet door in my Mother's room at the nursing home. It's funny because I have similar sign on my bathroom mirror. It reads:

This is a reminder to myself. If I am supposed to be at work today I must remember "to go". (Any feelings of happiness will go away in about 15 minutes)


Sunday, November 24, 2013

Trucking


I'm in Mass Pike hell. I'll repent if it will clear up the traffic jam (see mud flap).


They cook, they dance, they're probably locked in this truck.



Rolling. Rolling. Rolling on the Mass Pike. Don't worry. A running child is going to make it to my place of employment a lot faster than I am. Can't get run over it the car ain't moving.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

More Fun With Texts and Port-A-Potties.

St. Patrick's Day events always bring out the best in me. So I'm not so good at using a port-a-potty after drinking beer. It's hard. You have to balance yourself while hovering over the seat on your tippy toes, not getting your face too close to the urinal, all while wearing a winter jacket. I'd like to see you do it.





Sunday, October 27, 2013

Friends Don't Let Friends Play With Text To Speech

The following exchange of text messages happened last week. I was pet sitting for Leo, our friend's cat, and they were checking in. My sister commandeered my cell phone and gave herself quite a chuckle playing with the text to speech functionality (or lack thereof). 

Hi CJ! How's our little boy? 
---------
Many many ways of doing their enjoy Chartier message Yeah can you tell me yours do I eukaryotes is out with me for a PacTel To a back
---------
 Wtf? 
---------
Is there a problem 
---------
Your message didn't make any sense This is what came over Many many ways of doing their enjoy Chartier message Yeah can you tell me yours do I eukaryotes is out with me for a PacTel To a back 
---------
C CJ is having a gin drinking problem solved this is Cindy and I'm taking care of things she is out of control
---------
This is CJ and I will never let my sister play with text to speech on my phone again. Leo is great! Eating well and looks good.

For the record, I had not consumed any gin that night. Maybe a glass of wine or two, but no gin. 



Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Pounds of Putka Pods


We picked up a large bag of putka pods because 1) they were cute and looked like little pumpkins and 2) they smelled really good in the shop.

Got 'em home they look good, but they don't scent the room. And now we have 3 bowls and 3 sandwich bags full these things.

And suddenly, they aren't so fricking cute. 


Monday, September 30, 2013

Grocery Shopping Granny

Is this a good look for me? White socks and Crocks? I really hope so because I went grocery shopping wearing this ensemble. Terrible picture from this angle though. My cankles look like two oak coffee table legs. 

Never thought I would adopt the Babcia look so soon. Anyone know where I can pick up a housecoat (aka a lady's duster). 




Sunday, September 29, 2013

Things To Do When You Are Bored On A Ferry Ride


There once was a girl on  a ferry,
who's friends were feeling quite merry.
As they crossed the ocean blue,
here's what they decided to do.
They made her bum look festive but scary.


Sunday, August 25, 2013

Making A Bad Taste Worse


I'm not sure which is more disturbing:
  • This product "imparts a forbidding taste to excrement"  - Sort of like the way adding a grain of sand to the beach makes it sandy.
  • There is a company with a Anticoprophagic  Division - What a shitty job, especially if you are the quality control inspector.
  • This is considered a condiment - I'll have to pick some of this up next time I have a pack of dogs over for a picnic.







Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Life's A Beach

Lots of things to blog about today after spending a day at the beach. Let's see now...

There was the man in line at the snack bar, standing only inches in front of me, adjusting his junk as he waited to place his order. Mixed nuts anyone? The child that was with him must have thought she was at the movies as she was busy picking her seat just prior to placing her hands on the counter where the food orders are taken.

Then there was the young gentleman on the beach whose profanity laced conversation had me a tad unnerved, especially since there was a woman and her elderly mother sitting only a few feet in front of him. He redeemed himself momentarily when the elderly woman, alone on the beach while her daughter was swimming, lost her umbrella after a gust of wind sent it flying.The f-bomber rushed in to help, but unfortunately bopped the senior on her head with said umbrella as he was trying to secure it to her chair. We later found out from her daughter that the woman was 95 years old.

The highlight of may day was probably the smelly stall in the women's room which reeked of urine. As I hovered above the commode on the wet sandy floor, anxiously spinning the toilet role obscured by the amber plastic housing, I realized that the stall was not going to be the only thing smelling like pee. No-more-paper. And next door to me? A child who had been eating orange Doritos by the handful prior to entering the stall. No thank you.

Remember the 95 year old woman I mentioned above? While I was off getting rid of some trash her daughter asked my partner if I didn't like the sun. Not quite sure how I gave her that impression. Could it have been the long sleeve, zip up neck, 55+SPF rash guard, the matching 55+ SPF shorts (fashion counts), the floppy hat, and the UV sunglasses I was wearing while sitting under an umbrella? Sun safety - it starts with you. I consider it a successful day at the beach if I return home whiter than when I left.


Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Perpetual Pain In The Pants

You know what I find really annoying? Radio ads that rely on alliteration to get your attention. Savory soups, perfect pasta, and fresh fish? Why suffering succotash! I'll just hop in my car and carefully cruise  to your ridiculous restaurant.

How about door busting deals dedicated to dads? That's fucking fantastic! I'll be sure to check out those  big ballsy buys.

Preferred pampering for my pooch and pussy (cat)? Have anything for a bevy of beautiful Bassets you annoying butt head?

A coupon good at Cathie's Cute Cuts and Curls? Why I would love to have my long locks liberated. But not necessarily until next November ninth.

Done now. And feeling much better.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Adventures At The Old Folks Home - How's Tricks?

I haven't posted in a bit so here is the back-story. My mother Irene is 88 years old and lives in a nursing home. And she hates it.

Anyway, a week or two ago my sister popped by the nursing home to visit and found Irene visibly upset. The person on the television had just reported that "Irene [LastName] is a prostitute.

Very disturbing. I don't know if it is the new medication or advancing dementia but I have repeatedly told Irene if she needed more money for her account I would be happy to deposit a few dollars. She doesn't have to resort to such things as prostitution in order to secure the funds to get a perm, buy a birthday card, or play bingo.

Oh I suppose I would have discovered it soon enough, even if the newscaster hadn't announced it. The increased wear and tear on her walker wheels, the extra dollar bills hidden in her denture cup, the requests for the fragrant dusting powder - it all adds up. Still, I am at a loss.

I'll be keeping my eye on her from now on. And I'm definitely not buying her that credit card reader she asked for during our last visit.


Sunday, July 21, 2013

A Hard Post To Write.

What's up with all the Cialis commercials? Apparently not as much as you might think. I never knew ED was such a huge (or should I say little) problem.

Ok, if you want me to pay attention to these commercials you need to entertain me. Maybe a new slogan. Something like this: Cialis - For when your winkie is a slinky and tiny like your pinkie. This could also work: Viagra - Point that hose away from your toes!

And how about something for us females? We need help every once in a while too. Take the locks off of that box or Don't pout - get the cobwebs out could really help to market a product geared toward the fairer sex.

I bet you wish I was still on a blog break don't ya?

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Balls In A Box


That's our mailbox. And that's your mirror. The one that fell off you car when you rode your vehicle up onto our property and sent our mail receptacle flying onto our neighbors lawn. I retrieved your mirror from the street just in case you need it. It's sitting on top of the mailbox, just above your balls, which I also retrieved from the road. I think you threw them out the window as  you sped away. I didn't think you would miss them, since you don't appear to be using them.





Saturday, June 1, 2013

Paper Strips. I Don't.


You know what's a pain in the ass? Shredding bills and bank statements.  It's time consuming, it's messy, and one box of paper creates three trash bags full of 1.5 inch X .3 inch paper strips.

I want my bills to now be sent on cheese. That way when I shred them, I can at least at do something with the by-product. Put it on a sandwich, throw it on some pasta, toss it on top of some corn chips - all of which is better than trying to shove 20 pounds of paper into a trash bag meant to hold no more than 10 pounds. Great nachos CJ! Why thank you. That's my electric bill you are eating.

I shred everything. Cable bill? Shred that bad boy. Don't need anyone seeing what extras I rented (don't judge!). Phone bills? What if someone finds my itemized statement and starts crank calling my relatives? Shred it too! Retirement statements? No one has to know I need to work for another 70 years. Shred, shred, shred! Amazon receipts? Ohhhh no. None of your bees wax. Yes, I do need that self help book thank you very much.

Maybe it's time to take up paper mache. And turn that cable bill into a nice vase, a dog house, or a tiki bar.




Thursday, May 23, 2013

A Gift Of Love

My friend's kitty loves his owners 
More than your cat loves you.
How, you may ask, do I know 
These words to be true?

For history tells us he could have 
Hopped in that box and farted.
But no, inside he went 
And that good boy hearted.




Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Stiffy's Catch Phrase

My friend Stiffy works in an out patient department at one of the major hospitals in the Boston area. The other day, one of the patients asked her if she would be interested in working here:

As her friend, I feel it is my obligation to help her design a catch phrase for her new business card if she decides to pursue this endeavor.

"When you need it in a jiffy, be sure to call on Stiffy"

"She's Stiffy even when you aren't"

"For a good Stiffy in Boston, call this number"

"Interested in a straight but not narrow Stiffy?"

"Free MRI with every out call"

Any and all suggestions welcome.





Friday, May 10, 2013

The Family That Sings Together...


I posted this picture on FB the other day with the caption "Cannot believe this group still isn't popular."  And from the comments received, I'm worried people didn't realize I was being sarcastic. Yes, hard to believe but I was.

The 70's brought us lots of these family bands - The Osmonds, The Jackson 5, The Partridge Family (Laurie's organ was never plugged in), the DeFranco Family and even the Brady's. They all wore those same outfits - the tight fitting bell bottom polyester pants, boots with big chunky heels, and shirts with collars large enough to swaddle a 10 pound infant. 

Sometimes when I'm alone I like to put on a pair of those pants, grab a wooden spoon for a makeshift microphone, and sing "Time To Change" at the top of my lungs.  But you probably already knew that about me.*




*See paragraph 1 reference regarding sarcastic behavior

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Double Entendre, Double Fun



Two gentlemen came over last Monday to open The Wet Spot and things looked pretty darn good. The color was a nice blue and not that awful green, as it can sometimes be when it has not been used in a while. There was some dirt on the bottom but nothing the Dolphin (vacuum) can't handle. Unfortunately the power supply for the Dolphin is on the fritz and the unit does not take batteries so we'll have to wait a bit to stick the Dolphin in The Wet Spot.

After the pool men left I discovered a puddle in the shed due to a leak from the pump. I hate it when The Wet Spot pump isn't working properly - it's very frustrating.   Hopefully that will be fixed by the end of the week so I can throw in some chlorine and give The West Spot a good 'ol fashioned disinfecting.

If all goes well, The Wet Spot should be ready for visitors by the end of May!


Wednesday, May 8, 2013

There's A Bear. Where? Over There.

Our neighbor and friend McMeaty alerted us to a bear siting that occurred on our street last night. This is a real bear, the kind that rambles along on four furry legs and not the usual bare that you see at the The Wet Spot* during the summer months. That bare has the same furry legs but only has two of them and is not usually spotted until after nightfall.

I was thinking about what the heck we would do if we were walking down the street and saw a bear. The old adage "does a lesbian shit in the woods when she sees a bear" came to mind. I don't think one can outrun a bear and I know I couldn't certainly climb a tree to escape. 

So if your popping over for a visit please take care that no wildlife, other than that which resides in this house, is lurking over your shoulder. And remember, whether it's a bear in the brush or a bare with a bush, you should never pet or feed these creatures.


*The Wet Spot is the name of our pool. Also know as the hole in the ground into which I throw money.


Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Shop Talk


How I sound at the Home Depot:

So my kitchen faucet is leaking near the sprayer head end and my friend Min took it apart and we think it needs a new one of those rubber circles that goes around that other metal circle thing. Unless of course the leak is really from the metal hose tubing that runs under the cabinet and attaches somewhere near that pipe that is turning green.

How my friend Min sounds at the Home Depot:

I loosened the screw to remove the handle and unscrewed the bonnet, thereby exposing the valve and mounting nut. I pulled the hub and spout assembly up and off the body of the faucet. The o-rings and bearings look to need replacing. Would you happen to have a 2-001 1/32 inch o-ring in stock?

It's good to have friends that can speak the language when I travel to the foreign land of the Doityourselfrepairville.






  



Sunday, May 5, 2013

Working In The Shed Pooped Me Out


Oh it's so pretty. Just love that blue green color. I'll have 3 please.

Hey - don't judge! I cleaned out the pool shed in preparation for the opening of The Wet Spot. And with all the poop I had to deal with, I deserve a little reward. Oh sure, the mouse poop is tiny and not too bad to deal with. But I also found a new strain of new poo on the block this spring. It confused me so that I actually thought some one had taken up residence in our shed this winter.

You poop in my shed? I will suck you up. With my shop vac that is.

Hope no one gave you any crap this weekend. Mouse or otherwise.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Time To Catch Up


A poem about ketchup:

You can spread it on your burger, 
You can squirt it on your fries.
Just don't let that pointy end,
Hit you in the eye.

It's yummy on your breakfast eggs,
It's tasty on your wiener.
But don't get it on your white pants,
Or you'll be headed to the cleaners.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Lower Your Cholesterol 60 Points In Six Months!

By making minor lifestyle changes, I dropped my cholesterol level 60 points in 6 months. For example, I stopped buying potato chips which thereby prevented me from shoving handfuls of them in my mouth every night like I was going to the electric chair.

Here are some other tips:
  • Eat oatmeal every day until it starts to come out your ears.
  • Take fish oil pills.
  • Replace slices of cheese on your sandwich with bottles of beer. Two or three Sam Adams and you won't give a shit there is no cheese on your ham sandwich.
  • Honey and cinnamon tea. I read that in combination these can lower your cholesterol. Just don't do that stupid cinnamon challenge thing where you try to eat a teaspoon of it dry within one minute. It doesn't matter what your cholesterol is if you can't freaking breathe. And don't be cheap. Buy the good honey, the organic unpasteurized kind with the bee wings and legs. 
  • Exercise. Put your treadmill or exercise bike in front of a television and watch something scary and creepy like The Walking Dead. You'll run or pedal faster trying to get away from the zombies on the screen.
Try the above tips. And if they work, you can send me the $29.99 you were going to spend on that book that was supposed to help you achieve a healthier cholesterol level.






Sunday, April 28, 2013

Caution Tape At The Wet Spot


No, it's not a crime scene. That doesn't happen until June when the odds of public intoxication,  public nudity and disturbing the peace dramatically increase.

We had some work done on the pool gates. Can't have strangers attempting to get into The Wet Spot. We have enough trouble with the people we know and love (and this means you Stiffy and Min - try to keep your clothes on this season at least until July).

The Wet Spot will be opening on May 6th! Of course, it may be a little green at first but once it has a good cleaning, The Wet Spot will be ready for fun. Get your tanning butter ready!

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Chia Head


Chia seeds. My latest health kick, along with aloe vera juice. Have you had aloe vera juice? Not the flavored aloe drinks but the actual juice? It tastes like a combination of b.o. and gasoline. Needless to say, I only managed to drink a few ounces of the stuff. Blondie has been holding her nose and gulping it down.

Back to the chia. It has lots of fiber, protein and omega 3 and it tastes pretty good. I throw it on oatmeal, yogurt, or add it to juice. The fun with the chia is that those black little seeds find places to hide out in your teeth for hours. After lunch, I go to the women's room for a smile check. Then a couple of hours later, while you are in a meeting, one little seed that has been hiding behind your 3rd molar decides to come front and center. Hit the bathroom before driving home and you realize you had a lovely black thing or two  stuck in your choppers for the last half hour while presenting your point to group of colleagues.

Now I understand why they make white chia seeds - to match your teeth.


Saturday, January 26, 2013

Pole Shift Preparedness

I was watching one of those dooms day prep shows while working out on the treadmill in my basement. These people had a year's worth of food, enough guns and ammo to start a small war, pickle barrels for storing water that they were somehow going to turn into a heat source,  and just about any other survival supply one would need.

Are we ready to handle the earth's the next pole shift?  Since I was already in the basement, it was the perfect time to assess the situation. Off to explore the storage shelves I went.


What the hell was I thinking? This looks like trouble, real trouble I thought - until I looked on the shelf below.


Yup. All good. I'll be sitting in my lawn chair on top of the hill on our back 40, drinking Jameson's and watching the fireworks. Enjoy sitting in your bunker Doomsdayers.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Colder Then A Witch's Water?

Some people see Angels in the clouds. Some see Saints in stained glass. Some even see the Pope in their toast.

Guess what I see?


Ladies and Gentlemen take my advice, be careful not to choke on the boob made of ice.



Tuesday, January 1, 2013

It's A Net Win

My deep thought for the New Year :

Sometimes you just need to cast a net wide and far to see what you can catch.


When Is A Rum Ball Not A Rum Ball?

Need a little incentive to start the New Year's diet? Let me cook for you.

Rum balls are easy! Rum balls require no baking! Rum balls look like goat poop when I make them:


Apparently unlike Captain and Coke, more rum is a bad thing when added to this mix.

And just for reference, below is a picture of some beautiful cookies, baked by the ladies of the Ventura Street Cookie Swap.  I was able to salvage a few of the rum balls to add to this mix. By supplementing with some store bought cookies, I could actually contribute to the collection below.


So how 'bout that new diet? Looking for a personal chef? Call me!