Sunday, December 30, 2007

The Best Christmas Gift Ever

Guess what I got for Christmas? A stocking full of hot flashes. Thank you Santa!

Being only 43, I think this is some sort of cruel joke. At first I thought the rise in temperature was just the effects of global warming. But then I remembered global warming was happening outdoors, not in my clothes.

Possible relief? Well, I'm thinking of throwing on a pair of Depends and filling them with ice. Maybe streaking thorough my backyard at night in the snow would be both fun and helpful.

And oh joy, oh joy - I just read that this 'transition' usually starts several years before the actual event and lasts an average of 4 years but can continue for as long as 10. I could get another college degree in that time. While I'm in prison. Because PMS for me now stands for Pass My Shotgun. If this is just the opening act, I can't wait for the main attraction.

Now if you would please excuse me, I have to go throw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

I'm Smarter Now, Really

I played one of those brain training games that have been all the rage this holiday season. My initial pass calculated my brain age to be in the 50's. I'm thinking that the first time the results are skewed to the higher side to get you to come back and continue your training. But just in case, I'm taking off points for each glass of wine I had with Christmas dinner. So my score is now 37.

The ideal score is 20. That must be because I was just so smart when I was that age. Let's see,what did I know back then? I knew I was straight. Ok, not so smart there. I knew I wanted to have kids. Not so much. I was sure knowing that the derivative of X^2 is 2X would somehow be beneficial to me. Keep going Einstein. I knew that my friends would probably be married before I was. Ding ding ding.....extra bonus points there smarty pants.

I'll give that game another round or two. But I'm stopping before I get my score to 20. That would be way too dangerous.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

In This Corner, Weighing 35 Pounds....

I stayed in Boston Wednesday night at my friend Stiffy's house. She had to work until 10:00 so I volunteered to watch her two boys, 4 and 9 years old. The 9 year old was no problem at all. The 4 year old, who shall be known as Road Runner for the purposes of this post, could not quite grasp the concept of why his brother could stay up later than he could.

I explained to him that if he really did want to grow up to be bigger than his brother as he had stated, he would need to sleep so he could grow tall and strong. After 5 or 6 pretend calls to Santa and to the police, I finally gave up and got settled on the pull-out sofa, pretending not to care that he was still running around the living room.

He sat next to the sofa watching me while whispering "CJ's a baby, CJ's a baby." I rolled over and said "Yes, but at least I'm tall." At which point he told me that I was short (I'm 5' 7"), that he could beat me up and that he was also 'going to kick me in the peanuts.' Hmmm, the peanuts. Not sure that will get you anywhere buddy.

This morning he knocked on the bathroom door at 6:00 as I was getting ready. "CJ, I want you to sleep over tonight" he said.

No way Road Runner. I may not have any peanuts to kick, but I'm not taking any chances, you three foot man of steel.

Note: Road Runner is an adorable kid and I really do love him. Plus, his Mom reads my blog.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Ear Lock

CJ's Brain: Oh no, here they come again. Can't they understand that one of the reasons I get to work early is because I actually have things I need to get done by 8:00 AM.

Co-Worker: "Good Morning. How we doing today?" (Co-worker now pulls up chair beside my desk)

CJ's Brain: S*$t. Maybe if I just keep on typing they will get the clue.

Co-Worker: "Are you all set for Christmas? What are your holiday plans?"

CJ: "Oh you know, just the usually family thing. What about you?"

CJ's Brain: Big dummy! Never ask them questions. Now you're screwed. Here comes the ear lock.

Co-Worker: "Well my daughter who lives in Florida is coming up with the grandkids. You know we haven't see them in over six months. It' tough with her husband's new job for them to get away much. "

CJ's Brain: Do I have a hair appointment this weekend? Is there a 10:00 meeting today?

Co-Worker: "They'll get here sometime on Friday. We'll pick them up from the airport and then maybe head out to dinner. Saturday we'll just take it easy. Then on Sunday we have our annual cookie bake which will be great this year now that the grandkids are old enough to participate. Monday is Christmas Eve of course so we'll be yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda...

CJ's Brain: Please stop talking. Please oh please oh please stop. Are my ears bleeding yet?

Thursday, December 13, 2007

My Hotel Room Mini Bar

Mini Bar, Mini Bar go away,
Four bucks for Oreos is too much to pay.

Mini Bar, Mini Bar one more quick lookie
Give up that Sprite before I choke on my cookie.

Mini Bar, Mini Bar what's that you say?
Your Macadamia nuts are quite fresh today?

Mini Bar, Mini Bar you've won again,
Mini Bar, Mini Bar you're not my friend.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Mall Teeth

The shopping malls seem to be over-run with what I call "mini stores" - those set-ups in the middle of the mall where they sell perfume, cell phones, candy, and, much to my surprise, teeth whitening. Yes, you can have your teeth bleached to a beautiful pearly white while taking a break from your holiday shopping.

So what if you are center stage in a mall full of people sitting in a dental chair, your mouth all full of trays of whitening gel and a bright blue light beaming onto your face. The protective goggles will neatly conceal your identity until you are ready to impress the world with your new look. You'll be the bell of the ball this holiday season!

If you don't believe me, just ask this satisfied customer!

Photo courtesy of Cathy T (aka Mrs. Moto)

Friday, December 7, 2007

Greetings From The North Pole

If you are like most people, you probably have already seen about 100 of these already. But for those of you that have not had the pleasure, it's time to go and Elf Yourself!

Click to see a holiday message from CJ the elf.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

The Second Pain Of Christmas

These bags contain the ten Poinsettias I bought. I put them on the floor below a table on which a small Christmas tree sits. One or two wouldn't look right. I need ten. Ten looks good. So I suck it up and I buy ten. I'm too accustomed to having them around at Christmas not to buy them.

This is my second pain of Christmas. Why? Because ten Poinsettias won't fit in one cart or can't be brought out to the car in one trip. The dogs think they make a tasty snack. And the leaves fall off and make a mess.

When all is said and done however, they really do look beautiful and they do fill the house with Christmas spirit and warmth. I guess they're not such a pain after all. Not like those outdoor lights that I still haven't strung.

Side Note :From all that I have read, these plants are not poisonous so I don't wig out when the dogs start munching on them. But don't hold me responsible if your Fluffy gets sick after eating a whole plant in one sitting.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Coco Reindeer

The reindeer is a majestic animal that inhabits the frozen arctic tundra. It has adapted remarkably to a harsh,barren habitat where food is scarce much of the year. It is an excellent swimmer. Aided by a thick coat that traps air and gives good buoyancy in the water, it can easily swim across wide rivers.

The smaller variety, shown here, is native to North America. This species, known as the Coco Reindeer, is extremely rare. Weighing only 6 - 8 lbs, this reindeer has many of the same attributes as her larger cousin in the tundra. And of course, like all reindeer, the Coco Reindeer can fly.