Martini Cartwheels

Oh look, she's got guns. I mean a gun. I'm not quite sure how I feel about full body scanners yet. I'm not thrilled with the idea of some stranger looking at my McGriddles and I'm a little leery of the radiation exposure. But the alternative may be worse. Have you witnessed an enhanced pat down? I think I would rather drop my pants right there in line than have a TSA agent grope my lady parts to see if I've got a bomb in my vajayjay. No, that string is not a detonation device. Your thoughts on scanners and pat downs?

Nightly News Anchors, you are pissing me off. We all know things are not good. And yet, I find it simply amazing that every single night you come into our homes, doing exactly the opposite of what you should. Your typical broadcast starts with the same line every night: Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...... You tell us how much the market has dropped then share the latest unemployment numbers (which are always staggering ). About 20 minutes in, we're teased by the promise of a upcoming heartwarming story . Then comes the lead in - In this horrible economy, Americans are stepping up to help their neighbors even though the economy is rotten and no one has any money and did I mention that the economy sucks and CitiGMFordBankOfAmerica let go 20 million workers today and home values have plummeted and your sister's ass needs a bailout and more Americans are turning to crack.  Just what I wanted to hear.  Maybe, just maybe, if you injected even a glimmer of hope a...

First, some background from the Loudoun Govt site : Eugene Delgaudio was elected to the Board of Supervisors representing the Sterling District in November 1999, and was re-elected in 2003 and 2007. He serves on the Board of Supervisors’ Public Safety/Human Services Committee, and represents Loudoun County (Virginia) on the Dulles Area Transportation Association (DATA). He served as Executive Director and is now President of Public Advocate of the U.S., a conservative non-profit organization which supports a program of limited government and reduced taxes. My sister received a packet in the mail, addressed to my father, from the Public Advocate of the U.S.. Included in the packet was a American Morality Survey, and a three page, double-sided letter. Here are some excerpts: The Radical Homosexuals are storming through Washington demanding passage of their agenda. And with the defeat of the Republicans and election of Barack Obama, they say NOW is the time to push their perverse "li...

I finally did it. I sold my mutual fund yesterday. And I'm feeling pretty sick today about the $10,000 I just lost. Not $10,000 that I had earned on the fund over the course of the 7 months I owned it. No, this was a loss of 20% of my original investment. I know, I know - market investments are supposed to be for the long haul, it's going to be difficult to make it back now, yadda yadda yadda. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't watch the value of my house slide and the value of my 401K and this fund all at once. It was killing me. So I went with those "experts" who were preaching more years of market doom and advising folks to take any money you may need in the next five years out of stocks. I'm pissed. Pissed that lending institutions got so greedy and gambled on risky loans and investments and sent my money down the toilet. Pissed that these are the same folks getting millions of dollars in severance packages for doing a bad job. Pissed that this market i...

Screw you HD and your slogan. The only way I can do it and the only way you can help is to come to my house and do it for me. Explaining to me just how easy it is will not make the task simple. I have a spot on my ceiling. I have been to HD three times now. First, for the spray can of Kilz to cover the spot. That made it worse. Next, for the small can of white paint. That didn't match. Yesterday it was for another spray can of some sort of evil pressurized texture paint that was made specifically for touching up popcorn ceilings. I tried it. I shook and shook that freaking can till my hand was sore. Made sure I covered all exposed furniture. I put on a mask. Then I fired away. The stuff flew out of the can like projectile baby vomit flies out of a sick kid. On me, on the tarp, on parts of the floor I did not cover. Now it looks like I have a patch of Quaker Oats on my ceiling. I don't care if this makes me a bad lesbian. I'm leaving this to the professionals who know I can...

The results of a new study came out today. You can read about it at ABC News: Middle-Aged Misery: Why 44 Is Worst Age . I didn't pay much attention to the results of the study, which I happened to catch on my drive in today. Then I remembered that my age, thirty-fourteen, is actually 44. The study concluded that depression peaks for people at this age. I had been in a good mood up until that point. Let's see - gas prices, the housing market, the war, the economy - none of these things have to do with my age but they certainly could put a damper on my mood. Gray hair, hot flashes, an extra couple of pounds - all those are a result of aging and not one of them has ever really put me in a funk. No, the only four-four combo that has put me over the edge up until now is the 4 years of the first Bush administration + the 4 years of the second Bush administration. Now that's something about which we can all be miserable, regardless of age.

Can someone please inform as to the purpose of ticks? I understand that snakes, of which I am terrified, are good because they eat insects. I believe the same is true of bats. Worms, another thing that creeps me out, are good for the soil. But ticks? What purpose to those little bastards serve? I am asking because tick season seems to be in full swing here. Just about every day there is a tick or two on one of the dogs. The other day there was a dead tick in the bed. Near my pillow. I'm guessing it was from one of the dogs. As they say in Boston, that really skeeved me out. I have caught ticks crawling on me once or twice. None have embedded themselves in me (that I know of). And because they seem to go for the warmer parts of the body, when one does embed, I'm guessing it won't be fun to pull it out. I can just picture myself saying - "I don't recall ever having a freckle there before." What's that old saying, a tick in the hand is worth two in the bush?...

From the Human Rights Campaign: Last week, a secret recording emerged of a disturbing speech by Oklahoma Representative Sally Kern stating that homosexuality is a bigger threat to our nation than "terrorism or Islam." Rep. Kern has refused to apologize for her remarks. This video is truly disturbing. To take action, go to the HRC website or to the Victory Fund. And as for Sally. Sally, Sally, Sally. Do you realize how ignorant you sound? How foolish? Do you know how many people across the country think you are a hateful, miserable person?

I had the misfortune of turning on the car radio just as Romney's exit speech was being aired. The development of a child is enhanced by having a mother and father. Such a family is the ideal for the future of the child and for the strength of a nation.I wonder how it is that unelected judges, like some in my state of Massachusetts, are so unaware of this reality, so oblivious to the millennia of recorded history. It is time for the people of America to fortify marriage through constitutional amendment, so that liberal judges cannot continue to attack it! I wanted to shove sharp sticks into my ears and pierce my eardrums to stop the noise. Instead, I listened as he ranted about family values, morality, and my apparent lack of both. And then I smiled, for the reason of the speech was a joyous occassion. Mitt was out.

Guess what I got for Christmas? A stocking full of hot flashes. Thank you Santa! Being only 43, I think this is some sort of cruel joke. At first I thought the rise in temperature was just the effects of global warming. But then I remembered global warming was happening outdoors, not in my clothes. Possible relief? Well, I'm thinking of throwing on a pair of Depends and filling them with ice. Maybe streaking thorough my backyard at night in the snow would be both fun and helpful. And oh joy, oh joy - I just read that this 'transition' usually starts several years before the actual event and lasts an average of 4 years but can continue for as long as 10. I could get another college degree in that time. While I'm in prison. Because PMS for me now stands for Pass My Shotgun. If this is just the opening act, I can't wait for the main attraction. Now if you would please excuse me, I have to go throw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt.

I was driving behind a construction truck yesterday that had the following detailed on the back of the cab: "Silly F*****, D***s Are For Chicks". I am sure you can surmise that the 'F' word is a derogatory comment for homosexuals and the 'D' word is for a part of the lower male anatomy. I attempted to see who owned the truck but I could not get a full view of the company name. Outraged, I went to the community forums on masslive.com ( http://www.masslive.com/ ) and posted my thoughts on the matter, asking if anyone had seen this truck in the area before or knew who the company may be. I had a few responses to my post, basically asking me what my problem was and why did I think this was such a big deal. I responded by stating that if this had been a comment about a particular religious organization or a group of white folks of European descent, more people in this community would be outraged. When I went back this morning, my entire post and all the comments ha...

I feel I need to clarify a few things regarding my last post. First of all, I am not out to insult or antagonize anyone who smokes. I have people in my life that I love very dearly who are smokers. I believe that smokers, like anyone else, need to be respectful of those around them. I myself like the occasional cocktail or 12. And on those occasions when I get some bad ice, I do my best not to get sick on any one's shoes, pants, or anywhere in the general vicinity of their personal space. I expect no less of someone who is exhaling smoke. I do not want to give the impression that I go around making a slob of myself trouser coughing in public any chance I get. I appreciate a good Dutch oven as much as the next person, but I am generally very private when in comes to things that occur from the waist to the knees. So, don't worry those of you that know me. You can still be seen out in public with me and I will behave, for the most part.

Ok , so I'm at the casino in CT today and I know it is a smoking environment which is cool because one bad vice deserves another and most people like to drink, smoke, and gamble simultaneously to get it all out of their system. So I'm playing my latest addiction , video poker (aka gambler's crack) when some fool sits next to me and proceeds to light up which again is ok because I know I am in a place where smoking is allowed and it is my choice to be there. But....if your smoke is drifting directly in my face while I am trying to relax, drink my free beer, and win some money, you are going to make me very annoyed . Of course I say nothing, because I am rather passive aggressive and would not say poop if I had a mouth full. Wouldn't be great if there was some way I could materialize a noxious fume in the general direction of the offender who not only wants to give himself lung cancer but apparently wants to take me along for the ride? Hmmm .......