Martini Cartwheels

Little Red Baby Butch I remember that day. Hanging out at the beach for hours on end, getting my skin to match the color of my shirt. Swollen eyelids, blisters on the top of my feet, pimples gone, teeth white as can be (in contrast to my bright red face) - damn I looked good! Or so I thought. "Oh look at me! I'm so burned that I woke up with my eyelids stuck shut. How cool is that?" Of all the stupid shit I did in my teens and twenties, the biggest regret I have is spending so much time in the sun with no sunscreen or a sunscreen with an spf of 4 or lower. All my friends did it. We thought it looked hot to go from pasty white to butterball brown with a week or two of flaming red and peeling skin thrown in between. I went to the dermatologist a few weeks back. They love to dig things out of you don't they? To date most of the things I have had checked have been normal. But they leave behind a nice reminder to always use ...

I am out for with friends for dinner and somehow we ended up being part of a men's soccer banquet. This awards ceremony is boring me to tears. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone Location: Boston Post Rd,Wilbraham,United States

So following the logic of this store and seeing that the Trojans are hanging under the beer nuts, I'm assuming the contraceptive sponges are located somewhere below the chicken breasts?

Shopping. Agghh. I went the mall today. And I've been a bad holiday shopper. One gift for you, one for me. Today I came home with a perfume called Beyoncé Heat (for women). I lean more towards spicy colognes found at the men's counter. There's something about this perfume however, that I really like. So when I found it on sale, I bought a gift set for myself that included perfume, lotion, and body wash. And let me tell you, I can't wait to take a shower tomorrow with Beyoncé. Happy shopping. {Smile}

My oldest niece (she is 6 years younger than I am) had disc surgery the other day so I went to visit her in the hospital. One of the things that was bothering her was this giant knot she somehow got in her hair during the course of the surgery. This knot was so tight you could have used it to anchor a cruise ship to a dock. I thought they were going to have to take her back to the OR just to get this freaking thing out. I used a brush. I used Moroccan hair oil. I used a my hands. I worked on it for two hours and all I did was make it worse. Having a good dose of pain meds circulating through her system, my niece somehow tugged at the damn thing until she untangled it. I'm a little concerned she may leave the hospital with a bald spot. Hopefully her neck and back will be feeling a little bit better. There is a reason I don't have long hair.

It is 10:39 pm. I've been trying to think of a post for the last hour. And since I have to get up at 5:00 AM tomorrow morning, I don't think anything funny is going to happen in the next five minutes which will inspire me to write something other than this gibberish. Random thoughts: I ran a mile on the treadmill tonight, came upstairs, and ate the top of a black bottom cupcake with a handful of chips. Yum. I've only bought three Christmas presents so far. I really need to go to bed.

Irene (my mother for those of you who have not seen previous related posts) is still in the nursing home and still saying wildly inappropriate things. I sat with her and two lovely ladies at their table during dinner tonight. No one seemed to like the entrée. When I inquired, Irene mentioned something about how she didn't like "the Jewish" food they serve. So first of all, Irene is in a beautiful nursing home run by the Jewish Geriatric Senior Center; second I didn't know tuna tetrazzini casserole with peas was Jewish delicacy; and third I'm pretty sure one of the woman that sits at the table is Jewish. At least she has stopped calling the nurses nicknames such as "Dumb Dora". Now if I could just get her to refrain from telling me who "doesn't have much longer and will be gone within in a year" as the person about whom she is speaking rolls by in their wheelchair.

Who has a Twitter account? I just signed up yesterday, probably more out of curiosity more than anything else. I've found two friends and requested to follow them. So far no one is following me (big surprise). I did get a one of those @messages that said the following: @mcartwheels Ahh... Which gyal nw!.. dnt bring up anoda fight oh. Lol RT Gidi_Girl: Omg! See Styace '§ comment. I assumed this was just some sort of spam message or maybe Dutch until I checked out a few other profiles and saw they also had weird symbols and abbreviations other than the standard LOL, BFF, WTF, and SNAFU. I don't have time to try to interpret that shit. If someone is going to send me a tweet, I prefer they not be a twat and spell out the message with actual words. I'm sure one can get the point across in the allotted 140 characters. No one is really interested in when I am going to bed, what time I got up, and when I'm cleaning poop off the dog's bum, but this may prove to have some...

When I told the telemarketer that I had just walked in the door and requested he call at a later time, he apologized sincerely and then said "God bless you and have a peaceful and restful sleep." So a) he is just a thoughtful person or b) he is planning on coming to my house tonight, breaking in, and stealing a donation from me while I am sleeping. I'm thinking it's the former but I'm double checking the door just in case it's the latter. And when he calls back, as I know he will, I'm pretty sure he's going to get a few bucks out of me. I'm sucker for polite people.

I don't even want to mention their [Westboro] names. I'm afraid they Google themselves on a regular basis and the last thing I want is them coming over here for a visit. The loonies arrived [Baptist] at my place of employment this morning. It was a small group. I didn't see Fred or Shirley so I'm guessing this is the Massachusetts regiment of these lunatics. This woman appeared to be the leader of the pack. It wasn't sunny [Church] out so I assume the glasses are to hide her hateful red eyes. C'mon - put down your pitchfork and entertain me. Make your head spin! This poor dumb little bastard, hasn't got a chance. They did a good job of hiding his face and horns. All this kid is getting for Christmas is a tail. This endearing little monster wore a jacket with anti-Semitic wording. After about forty-five minutes, these numb nuts packed up their signs and headed off in a mini van to their cave. Good riddance.

I'm sending out a big hug and thank you to all of you who left such kind words on this blog, comments on Facebook, emails, and phone messages regarding the loss of Coco. The house has a huge void now. We think of her everyday. I'm moving through the stages of grief -- but in my own way. I'm skipping denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Who needs 'em? Here are my steps: Berkshire Brewing Company's Cabin Fever: If it's grief that I must take, then let's have an Irish wake. Macaroni and Cheese: I ate it at a restaurant, I bought some at the store. If I had the extra room, I'd keep it in my night stand drawer. Chocolate: Dark bars and morsels and cake, oh my. I should save time and stick 'em directly on my thigh. Potato Chips and Chicken Sandwiches: My heart took a licking so pass me that effing chicken. With mayo. And chips. Now! To Be Determined - I'll decide what this should be after my nap. In our hearts forever...

Coco Chanel Chase November 26, 2010 Our loving and wonderful Yorkshire Terrier Coco passed away this morning at home in Blondie's arms. Coco was Blondie's sweet girl. She was loving and gentle and everything a human could want in a canine companion. For the last 15 years Coco was always by Blondie's side. Rest in peace Coco. We love you.

Oh look, she's got guns. I mean a gun. I'm not quite sure how I feel about full body scanners yet. I'm not thrilled with the idea of some stranger looking at my McGriddles and I'm a little leery of the radiation exposure. But the alternative may be worse. Have you witnessed an enhanced pat down? I think I would rather drop my pants right there in line than have a TSA agent grope my lady parts to see if I've got a bomb in my vajayjay. No, that string is not a detonation device. Your thoughts on scanners and pat downs?

We are out at a work reunion for Blondie at a local bar and a few of the very attractive straight women are telling us they love lesbians and are flashing us their breasts. " I got a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night / that tonight's gonna be a good night / that tonight's gonna be a good good night wooh hoo." - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone Location: Memorial Dr,Chicopee,United States

So the big question now is whether or not to bring my Mother Irene home from the nursing home for the day on Thanksgiving. Before moving on, let me just say that if I can't have a mini bar in my room when I end up in one of these places then I'm not freaking going. Anyway, the plan was and still is to have Irene get strong enough and independent enough to move back in with my sister and her husband. So far that hasn't happened. Irene tells us she hates it there, despite it being, in my humble opinion, the nicest facility of its kind around here. And at 10K a month (I know this because she was on private pay until all the $$ ran out), my sister and I would love to have seen Irene back home by now. We're thinking it's a bit cruel to take her home for the day on Thanksgiving and then bring her back to someplace she dislikes so much. On the other hand, we are told that this might be good a good test to see how she does in the house. Irene is pissed and becoming a bit be...

The crass posts just keep on coming folks. Sorry about that. These things just keep falling into my lap. The picture below is courtesy of Blondie who shot this at a Hallmark Store in Connecticut. At first I thought the sign had a typo. But no, it is an actual product. What really disturbs me is the object that looks like a roll of toilet paper to the right of the sign.

I have an app for my phone called Words With Friends. It's basically the same as Scrabble and you can play friends who have the app on their phone or iPad. I was getting tired of having my friends kick my butt every time I played them. So I decided to let the app find an opponent for me, hoping it would select someone more on my level - like a 9 or 10 year old. The last word my mystery opponent played was 'gay'. Hmmmm. I then looked around the board to see what other words he/she had played as I honestly have not been paying too much attention. Rims, Goos, Jerk, Blue, Glide, Deep, Gay Is it me or could there be a reoccurring theme here? For my last word, I played 'toy' because 'y' is worth something like 4 points and because I'm trying to be a good sport here. I'm not sure if I am reading too much into this or he is trying to shock me. Whatever it is, I am up for the challenge. Because even though this person may be playing with suggestive words, th...

Don't shoot the messenger. I didn't think of it - I just took the picture. And yes, I laughed when I read it. But so did my friends H and B (H is the hand model here). The other person we were with didn't think it was so funny. Wonder why?

This ad was on my placemat at dinner last night. I thought it sounded interesting so I Googled it. Apparently it is a real assphalt term. And here I was thinking it was something you would find described on Urban Dictionary.

Sarah can rant all she wants about tea, But here in Mass no red we see Unless of course it's in a tree. For last week when all was said and done We didn't send to Congress a single one (Republican that is)

Happy Saturday! I think Saturday is a much better chore day than Sunday don't you? Here is my list for today: Lower water level in the pool before it freezes Winterize motorcyles Pay bills Change sheets Do a little work-work from home Visit Irene in the nursing home Transfer the Halloween pics off my camera Here is what I will probably actually do: Screw around on the computer for hours See if it's my turn on any of the 3 games I have going on Words With Friends Go get a coffee at Dunkin Donuts Take a shower eventually Wait for Stiffy to arrive (yeah!!) Go out to eat Bitch about all the chores I have to do tomorrow Happy weekend all!

The son of my good friend Stiffy had his tonsils out yesterday. She sent me a text with a picture of him, lying in his hospital bed surrounded by stuffed animals. She was spending the night in his hospital room. His experience seemed little bit different then the time I had my tonsillectomy in 1970. Kids weren't treated to pre-admission tours, puppets, and caring staff back then. In fact, I think my dogs are treated better at the vet then the way kids were treated at the hospital 40 years ago. My father brought me to the hospital bright and early. Rather, I should say he "dropped me off" as parents were not encouraged to hang around like they are today. The room was large, about half the size of a basketball court minus the bleachers (or at least that's what it seemed like). Beds filled the entire perimeter of the ward. I remember being told to lie on my stomach. "Must be doing something hospital thing" I thought. Before I knew what was happening, a thermom...

Once a week at work we have a crock pot day. The deal is that if you want to partake in the crock pot goodness, you need to sign up to bring a dish. I sit in a large office that has a conference table in the middle of the room, making it the perfect space for heating up the dish of the day and sharing a meal. I resisted eating the yummy chili and stews for weeks, knowing that my cooking skills fall somewhere between that of a two year old and that of a St. Bernard. Last week however I caved. I was hungry and I knew the yogurt I brought just would not cut it. Well, tomorrow is the day. It's my turn. And to be honest, I'm a bit worried. I practiced last week with a hodgepodge of kielbasa, sauerkraut, apples, and brown sugar. Not bad. I'm thinking of going with the same recipe, ,maybe minus the apples. Unless of course someone can share some mind blowing way to cook kielbasa in a crock pot (yes - I want to stick with the kielbasa because of this part of the state is know for ...

So instead of a morning jog, I decided to take a morning blog. Not that I ever really do go for a jog in the morning since that would require to get out of bed at 4:30am. I do have my limits you know. We went to a wonderful event in Northampton on Saturday. It was an after party for the opening of Out For Reel gay and lesbian film series. DJ Lori B was spinning the tunes and the event was hopping! What a great time! One of the best events I've been to in recent years. As it so happened, Saturday was also the Zombie Pub Crawl in Northampton. I'm ok with werewolfs, vampires, and space aliens but zombies scare me a bit as I think out of all of the aforementioned monters, they have the greatest odds of actually existing. When I saw this large group of undead lumbering down the streets of Northampton I did have to tell myself that they were just a group of folks out for a few beers and that the actually did not want to eat my brain. That's the Monday morning report. Hope ever...

In the unlikely event we lose bladder pressure, grab the mask firmly and place it over your nose and mouth while continuing to breath normally - preferably before the device is used for for it's intended function. Personally I think that hole in the bottom needs to be a little wider, especially if you have rented a beer or two within the last few hours (you never actually "buy" beer as you don't get to keep it). Looks like there is serious potential for over-flow or back up which totally defeats the purpose. I need to go to be earlier on Friday and Saturday nights so my brain at least works partially on Sunday. Thanks to my buddy Red for the demo.

As I've mentioned previously, my mother, prior to being admitted to a nursing home for rehab, lived at my sister's house. This weekend was my niece's 40th birthday. And her mother (my sister) and father (my brother-in-law), thought it would be funny to tie black balloons to the mailbox prior to the arrival of the birthday girl. Well, apparently this display caused some concern with the neighbor, who, upon seeing the balloons, went over to my sister's house to ask if our mother was alright. Now to be fair, I need to disclose that the neighbor was not born in this country and probably thought that this was some strange American thing, like don't ask don't tell or the Tea Party movement. Anyway, we did find it very sweet that he was so concerned. Maybe for the next party, we'll just stick to streamers - blue ones.

Fall is the time of year in Massachusetts where we like to sit on antique farm equipment in the middle of nowhere. It makes us look all New England-y. And stupid. And it's all fun and games until someone gets a rusty sprocket up their bum. Then it's just fun.

These are wasabi covered peanuts. Or as I like to call them, green legumes from the bowels of hell. I bought them on a whim and they are fairly innocuous when taken in small doses. However, I would not recommend eating them by the handful after an afternoon of Octoberfest celebrations OR with bubble gum flavored vodka. Just my two cents. Also, if you are going to ingest them in large amounts, just remember what goes up must come down just as what goes in must come out. Who in the world ever thought of coating peanuts with Japanese horseradish? There is a reason no one has ever done that with corn and it is the same reason not to do it with peanuts. Enough said.

What is your home town known for? Mine is the home of the world's largest kielbasa. Kind of funny that a lesbian is from a place where they are proud of their giant sausage. I should have been born in northern Alberta, Canada, the home of the world's largest beaver dam. Although, there is nothing like a good Polish plate. But then again, there is also nothing like a good --- oh never mind.

I thought I was having a bad week until I got this text from my pal Stiffy: Stiffy is having a hell of a week - want a good laugh?..I was picking Ty up @ schol...parked rite outside the door..leaving walking to car I trip over the curb & went down very hard on knees..couldn’t get up..skirt up in air & I have a thong on..everyone yelling OMG pull her skirt down..u poor thing u ok..get a chair..get ice...2 men had to lift me up in chair..nurse came out I’m surrounded by people...freaking nitemare...

Work is busy. Usually I only leave my desk to go to a meeting or walk to the ladies room. Which is where I discovered it -- chocolate pants. Apparently I had dropped a bit of my lunch (a protein bar) onto my lap, where it then melted into my trousers. Great. Earlier in the week I discovered another food faux pas while looking in the mirror of that same ladies room. You know how Greek yogurt is thicker than regular yogurt, almost paste-like? Well, it's also more difficult to clean off your spoon and upper lip , which is where Greek yogurt sometimes lands when you eat, read, and type on your computer concurrently. Yogurt lip is nice look if you work in the adult film industry but not if you work in a cube. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Did you know that when a cow sneezes, it can shoot cow boogies, with great accuracy, a distance of over four feet? Neither did I. Good thing I kept that extra napkin. Will somebody wipe this poor cow's nose please?

Live at the Big E! - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone Blondie with a Polish Plate. Location: Commonwealth Ave,West Springfield,United States

You know those magnifying glasses they sell at the drug store? Does anyone know if they make a waterproof version? I can't seem to see my armpits in the shower. I've reached a point where I need binoculars to shave my legs and cheaters to shave my armpits. At least armpits are small. It's pretty much a given you'll get a clean sweep even if you can't verify it visually. Legs are a different story. I'd fall on my ass if I had to get up that close in the shower to make sure I didn't miss a patch. They should make bi-focal anti-fog prescription shower goggles. That way, your legs would always turn out to be silky smooth and your landing strip wouldn't end up looking like more like a cornfield. Just random thoughts at 10:30pm at night after rising this morning at 4:30am. Brain clutter. Night all.

Rah rah agh-agh-agh! Ro mah sigh-sigh-sigh Lady Gaga's turned In to meat pie! Ok, that's not nice I know. But what was with that outfit at the VMA awards? I almost threw up looking at it. For those of you that have not seen it, check out the pictures at the huffingtonpost.com .

We spent the afternoon at a fantastic football party at the home of our buddies Barb and Lori. There was great food, reunions with old friends, and of course, great music courtesy of one of our hostesses, DJ Lori B. Yes, I am giving her a plug here because you are probably tired of me bitching about things I don't like and want to hear something positive for a change and because she is awesome. DJ Lori B helped us celebrate each Patriot touchdown by spinning the tunes in her and Barb's "Lady Cave" as we danced, cheered and chest bumped. Well, I didn't chest bump. I was too busy eating cheesy snacks and drinking light beer. Besides, I didn't want to intimidate anyone by flinging my nearly A's in their direction. It's all fun and games until someone gets a black eye. Then it's just fun. *Check out DJ Lori B at her website Martini Productions for information on this disc jockey extraordinaire and her event planning services.

Hurricane Earl Update: The hurricane turned out to really be nothing at all for Massachusetts. I've had more wind in my pants after eating a burrito than Earl had in 12 hours while crossing over the Bay State.

I've peed on my leg at work, gone to meetings to which I was not invited, worn two different color socks , and tripped in the hallway. So today I thought I would try something different. You know those thin paper-like breath freshener thingies? The ones that come in the little plastic packets? And you know how they stick to your tongue? Well, if you miss your mouth, they will stick to your lip too. And you can't really wipe them off because the sort of melt onto your face. The only thing you can do is lick vigorously until the suckers melt. But after they do, they leave a bit of a stain, especially if they are red. And that really sucks if it happens right before a meeting. I'm glad tomorrow is Friday.

I'm not really looking forward to the long weekend. First of all, they are predicting that Hurricane Earl could make for a messy weekend here in New England. Which means of course, I'll be spending a lot of time hiding out in the cellar. Because that's where I keep my Bombay Sapphire gin. And I'm going to need it if I have to start serving two months of jury duty next Tuesday. And not too many of you have come through for me I must say. I asked you all weeks ago the best way to get out of this federal jury duty. And yes, while some suggestions where pretty good, I don't think I will be able to find a cop to date before the end of the week because I'm sure Mariska Hargitay is very busy. So come on people. Don't leave me with the only option I currently have swimming around in my head - wearing my Eeyore pajamas and lambie mask the day on which I have been summoned to appear. It's still summer and a bit too warm for flannel.

We had a couple of friends over last night. Blondie and I did our best to prepare them a nice home-cooked meal. We bought steaks and grilled them. We also bought some lovely potato salad, a prepared Caesar Salad kit (complete with dressing), a pre-washed and cut salad plate, and a box of crackers. Unfortunately, the Vermont cheddar cheese, while delicious, was not pre-sliced. I won't make that mistake again. In order to save time, Blondie added the Caesar dressing around 3:00 in the afternoon. We ate at 6:00. Who knew that Romaine was not quite as sturdy as it looks in the package? Oh well. After supper, we built a fire and brought out a bowl of pre-popped kettle corn and some peanut butter cups. We are a bit tired today but it was worth the effort. Have a lovely Sunday all.

Blondie's new health kick included cutting back to only one beer a day . Having gone over her limit, the beer sampler/fanny paddler had to be brought out.

Does anyone know if the recycle people will take toilet seats? Because I put three of them out in the bin this morning. I imagine they could be sanitized, re-packaged, and sold at Home Depot as "gently used". Maybe the guy who usually takes all the cans out of our bin will want to grab these too. I just hope the recycle guys don't get pissed off. After all, I imagine it can be sort of a crappy job with all the waste folks put out on the curb. They probably have to flush out the non-recyclable goods and then are expected to wipe up any mess left behind. With all the loads they have to deal with week after week they must get annoyed. Which reminds me - I have to go put out that stack of magazines. Happy Friday!

Getting showered and dressed by a nightlight (it's still dark here when I get up at 4:15am) is not always the best idea. Nice hairdo today CJ. And yes, I am wearing a flannel shirt that I bought at Walmart. There are no secrets here. And no, my dog is not sitting on my head. I will call the electrician - soon.

This video was shot on the ferry on our way home from Provincetown. Blondie is well on her way, Stiffy's Boston accent is at its best, Lover Girl throws in her two cents, and Rizzo makes obscene gestures. Good times. Nice Blondie belch at 4min 50 sec in.

Heading back to Boston after a fun day in Ptown. We met Beverly Leslie (Leslie Jordan) from Will And Grace. Pics on Facebook to follow! - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone Location: United States

All here and on our way!! - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone Location: Boston,United States

Waiting to get on the Fast Ferry to Ptown. Belle and Rizzo are on the boat already but Stiffy is stuck in traffic. Run, Stiffy, run. We set sail in 15 min!!! - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone Location: Long Wharf,Boston,United States

It's Cierra's Pool. We just swim in it.

I honestly don't think Irene would be thrilled knowing I posted these. But I wanted to convey a sense of what it is like at the nursing home when I go to visit.