When Large Is Small

On what planet do the makers of women's exercise shorts live? Whatever that planet is, the women who live there must all weigh 75 pounds. The shorts displayed in this picture are a size large. I was surprised to find they were not 50% off since half of the material required for a size large was missing from said article of clothing.

I would be lucky to fit this around my head, never mind my ass. Can you imagine? Tammy Tuck-Up Camel Toe would be my new nick name if ever presented myself in public wearing these beauties.

I'll stick to men's workout shorts. They may not be as sexy, but at least I won't have to dislocate my hips to get them on.

Sing, Sing A Song

Ever done a sing-a-long at a nursing home? It just so happens there was one at the nursing home where my mother Irene resides and I was lucky enough to be visiting at the time.

Irene was complaining about how boring these sing-a-longs are. The activities director passed out the song sheets and put on the music. Irene pouted.

So in order to make it more fun for her, I modified the lyrics a bit. What the hell I thought - everyone in there is deaf and I was positioned just behind Irene where I could whisper the new lyrics in her ear.

Here's a sampling of some of the songs we sang (with modified titles for added enjoyment):

My Drunken Irish Nose

School Gays

Homo On The Range

Oh You Beautiful Blow Up Doll

Sometimes instead of changing the title of the song within the lyrics, I changed an entire line:

Give My Regards To Broadway

Whisper of how I'm yearning,

To mingle with the old time throng,

Give my regards to old Broadway

And say that I'll be wearing my thong.

There's A Long Long Trail

There's a long, long night of waiting
Until my dreams all come true;
Till the day when I'll be going down
Going, down on you.

Red River Valley

Come and sit by my side, if you love me

Do not hasten to bid me adieu

Just remember the Red River Valley

And the time that I pooped on your shoe.

And the best part of all of this nonsense - Irene was laughing out loud. She

gets a a real kick out of her potty mouth youngest daughter. Never stop

laughing.

Out With It

Because I love and admire my blog readers, all three of you, I feel as though I must be totally honest in order to continue our relationship. So today I am coming out as bi.

I had put this off for as long as I could. I tolerated the uncomfortableness of it all, just to keep my little secret safe. However, I am tired of not being able to experience both those things right under my nose and those that are coming down the road. Yes my friends, I am getting bifocals.

Being bifocaled is nothing of which to be ashamed. I will wear my new lineless bifocal glasses with pride. I will buy stylish readers at the local drugstore to counter the strength of my new contacts which will now prevent me from reading menus and magazines (no bifocal contacts - I do have my limits you know.)

At times there will be challenges. But with the support of you my blog friends I know I will stay strong. Bifocal pride - let's read something together. Peace.

Introducing Pippa!

Pippa and Boo Boo taking a little rest

I would like to introduce you to Pippa, the newest member of our family. She is a two and a half year old Yorkshire Terrier. She is a real sweetie and is getting along with Boo Boo just fine.

If a year ago you told me our sweet Coco Chanel and precious Cierra Belle would both be gone, I'm not sure I would have believed it. We can never replace The Girlz and they will live forever in our hearts. We miss them every day.

Today we are fortunate to have Boo Boo and Pippa in our lives. And we will not take them for granted, not for a single second. They are wonderful girls. I think Coco and Cierra would approve.

Coco and Cierra in November 2010

Colloquialisms That Annoy Me

I've decided I hate the term "bitter sweet". From now on, I am going to substitute the term "sweet and sour". It is somewhat comforting for me to infuse the thought of Chinese food into a situation that is only half good.

I also am not fond of "back in the day". I am changing that to "back before I was gay", which would cover the time period prior to my conception in the fall of 1963. To refer to things that happened prior to my 16th birthday, I will say "back when I had no pay". For my college years, "back when I was to drunk to say". And for the time period covering my twenties and thirties, I like "back before I wasn't afraid to tell you what I weigh".

------------

Random thought - I discovered that I am addicted to pre-sliced cheddar. I have my neighbor McCheesy to thank for this as she dropped off the aforementioned dairy item at our house last week. I've been throwing those tasty little squares down my gullet all week. Even last night, after coming home from a nice dinner, I had to have several slices (with a glass of milk mind you) prior to retiring to the bedroom. Cheese fries, cheese thighs, I've got hankering for the pre-sliced cheddar 'cause there is nothing better.

How To Sleep On A Ferry

Our play date went by in a jiffy.

But it tired out my friend Stiffy.

Because of the booze,

She decided to snooze.

And when she awoke she was nifty.

A Full Day of Fun + Sun = Nighty Night

Hey Girls! Maybe we should have skipped that last round of drinks at the tea dance? Not even the sugar in the salt water taffy could keep these four awake on the ferry ride home from Provincetown. Must have been all that dancing!

At least Stiffy had the right idea when she found a row of empty seats.