Sunday, November 23, 2014

I Will Break The Seal


Sealed for my protection? That's great. Thank you for doing that. I'll just peel the paper right off and pop a couple of these fish oil pills. After all, have to keep that good cholesterol level going strong.


Oops. Looks like that didn't work. Gosh darn it all. I'm tired, had a few beers, and all I really want to do is take these pills and hit the rack. What to do, what to do? Tweezers! Tweezers will work.  I'll just make a nice little hole in the middle and pull from there.



Or maybe I'll just rip the shit out of this seal for giving me such a freaking hassle at bed time.  A sealed lid, under which the pills hid, should not mess with this tired kid. Sleep tight!


Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Your GPS Hates Boston


Driving around the suburbs of Boston last night, I remembered why I wanted to move to western Massachusetts and get the heck out of the city.  Please see above picture. That is what your GPS route will look like if you try to navigate from Waltham to Newton and then to the Mass Pike.

And this is how your GPS will sound:

  • In 500 feet, prepare to keep right.
  • Change of plans, prepare to keep left.
  • Shit. Left lane has suddenly disappeared off the satellite. Just keep going straight.
  • In 2 miles, prepare to exit the highway at Exit 22, 23, 24 to Route 90 Mass Pike westbound.
  • Did I mention it is a left lane exit and you are in a right turn only lane?
  • Where the fuck did the exit go? Route re-calculation.
  • Accident reported ahead. Estimated delay of 4 hours.
  • You look like you have to pee. Shall I find a rest stop?
  • Why are you crying?
  • I told you not to drive home at night in the rain from Boston.
  • What did you call me?







Monday, November 17, 2014

Bathroom Art

And the winner for best sanitary product dispenser decoupage is:



Hmmm. Do I want a napkin, a tampon, or a garden?  I'm wondering what's on the condom dispenser in the men's room. Bags of fertilizer?

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Stiffy vs The Shredder

My pal Stiffy is a take charge kind of gal. She doesn't let anything impede her forward progress, including office equipment malfunctions. When this pesky paper shredder jammed up the other day, Stiffy took action to show it who's boss.

First, she skipped the #1 universal law of unplugging something that uses moving razor sharp blades as part of its core functionality. To save time she also skipped the #2 universal law of do not stick metal objects (in this case scissors) into anything that is still plugged in.


The shredder was apparently agitated with this action as it quickly grabbed the scissors in retaliation. The scissors put up a valiant fight, pushing the stuck paper out of harms way, even as the blades kept whirling. When all was said and done, the jam was cleared, the shredder did not break, and Stiffy did not get electrocuted. The scissors however, did not fare as well.




Saturday, November 15, 2014

Mass Interstate Toilet Etiquette. It's The Law!


Wow. This really put a damper on my bathroom stall plans. After cleaning up with some wipes, I had hoped to wash my hair, get rid of some expired aspirin, dispose of that bacon grease I had been carrying around in my jacket pocket for weeks, and finally say goodbye to the boxes of books I had in my trunk.

But seriously, I don't think this bathroom edict goes far enough. I would add other items one may have in the car and want to toss at the interstate rest stop toilet area.  These items include cigarette  butts, vodka bottles, chatty passengers, pizza boxes, old lottery tickets, and ex-husbands (I threw that one if for my pal Stiffy).

So remember, when you stop to relieve yourself in Massachusetts, you can park your ass but don't flush your trash.


Saturday, October 4, 2014

From Your Bowels To My Front Yard


Why oh why do I feel compelled to look under the lid of the septic? I should have learned my lesson the last time it was pumped. But no, I had to stand around and watch the whole process again. And by the time the nice young man with the brown stains on his jeans had just about vacuumed it dry and refilled it with water for a second pumping, I was almost dry heaving on the lawn.

And the whole time I kept thinking, what if I drop something in there that needs to be retrieved? What if I tripped and fell into Lake Poopiecaca? Is that stench really not the septic at all and actually the result of my not having showered yet?

Friday, October 3, 2014

It's Not Fair!

You would think riding down the giant slide with Stiffy would be more dangerous than walking, given her twisted position on that burlap sack and our hand holding technique.



However, I find walking to be quite treacherous, especially when there are no obstacles in my path. Thank goodness there was a first aid office at the fair grounds.




Thursday, August 21, 2014

Why You May Not Want to Invite Me To Your Next Tupperware Party

Is there a name for those parties where a product line is demonstrated and then folks have the opportunity to purchase items? I love those parties. But you may not want to invite me to your next one for the following reasons:

  • Are you going to have lots of tasty snacks? Yes? Great. Because I don't cook. And since these parties tend to be held on a Sunday afternoon sometime between lunch and dinner, I will be starving and hit your cheese and cracker platter like I am going to the electric chair.
  • Will there be some sort of punch with a kick? Or wine? No worries if there isn't any. I will bring my own. Back to the timing of these parties - what better way to not let your Sunday spoil your Monday than to get your drink on.
  • This is the reason you will want me to attend. See that bullet above? Because of that punch or wine I will buy a lot of product. And by a lot, I mean half the catalog. I love live demos, newfangled gadgets, and anything that makes my life easier. Bring it!
I went to a cleaning product party last Sunday. Come Monday, I had gained five pounds, had a hangover, and was eagerly awaiting my order of every item on pages 1 - 27.

I look forward to your invitation with bated breath and check book in hand.


Friday, August 8, 2014

You Are Sunk

I was just out skimming the pool, thinking how horrible it would be if I fell in because it has been less than 30 minutes since I ate those crackers.

Growing up in the 70's I was never told by my parents to wear a bike helmet or to use sunblock. What I did learn however, were the dangers of swimming, either in a pool or the ocean, without waiting 30 minutes after eating.

Apparently several things can happen if you do not obey this law of nature.

  1. You will immediately sink to the bottom with no chance of survival.
  2. You will be able to swim fine for the first minute or so, but shortly thereafter cramp up so bad that you will sink to the bottom. Again, with no chance of survival.
  3. Your tunafish sandwich will decide to "repeat" on you, travel up your esophagus, spill over into your windpipe,  and choke the living shit out of you until you sink to the bottom.  NCOS. 
  4. You will suffer a gas pain so debilitating that you will fold over in two like a clothespin, lose all sense of direction, and sink to the bottom. NCOS.
  5. You will have a toilet emergency, fall off the ladder trying to run out of the pool, hit your head, and sink to the bottom. NCOS.
Now get out there and enjoy the summer weather. Oh, and don't forget to use the footpan* to wash the grass off your feet before entering the pool.

*You know, the footpan. That old dishpan your parents would drag out from the kitchen, fill with water, and place in front to the ladder so you could wash your feet before hopping in.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Hello Sucker!

When my friend Stiffy purchased her super-duper vacuum cleaner, she had no idea it doubled as a wet vac.  But thanks to her son using it to vacuum vomit off the carpet, Stiffy now has a whole new appreciation for her upright.

I envision a new marketing campaign. "If you chuck it, we can suck it" sounds like a clever catch phrase to me. How about "Don't use your scarf, hoover that barf".  Or maybe "Don't worry girl, we got that hurl". 

For those of you brave enough to look, the picture is below. However you look at it, it really sucks.









Wednesday, August 6, 2014

For Sale: One Pair Of Gently Used Dentures

Irene, my 89 year old mother, is convinced that she sold her teeth. I don't know if it is like buying a new car where you trade in your old set of wheels (or in this case molars) for a newer model but apparently the sales transaction happened recently at the nursing home in which Irene resides.

I have a few questions. 

Is there a lemon law? That is, if the choppers do not chew as described on the bill of sale or if the teeth literally have lemon stuck in them, can the buyer return them for a full refund?

Is there an extended warranty policy available? Or does the standard 3 years/36,000 meals guarantee apply?

Do you need to disclose if they have been involved in an accident or if the mouth has been somewhere it should not have been? (Please - I mean no disrespect and I'm sure this is NOT the case with Irene's teeth. But one should always check this out.)

I hope the purchaser took them out for a test snack, kicked the incisors, and got a good deal for their trade.

Anyone out there need a hammer toe? My mom can hook you up. Cheap.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Cheap Sunglasses

Here's a money saving tip. I'll preface this advice by telling you that I am tight as wallpaper.

If you wear glasses, it can be very costly to buy both regular glasses and sunglasses. So next time you are at the opthamologist, ask for a pair of those plastic sun blocker inserts. You know, the ones that look like this:


I use mine in the car all the time. You'll know if you ever forgot to remove the inserts by the looks you will get as you are walking down the street. I may look like I have an extra set of very bushy eyebrows but I don't care!  And neither will you when you realize the money you have just saved.




Saturday, July 12, 2014

Truth in Advertising

I was browsing an SPF clothing catalog the other day when I came across this photo. I don't know about you, but I'm quickly losing confidence in this product. You better get that arm checked lady.




Using that photo to sell SPF products is like using this picture to sell toothpaste:




Here's a product that knows how to sell itself however. Beaver Butter. Enough said.


Saturday, April 19, 2014

Avoid The Downward Dog In The Aisle

Can we talk about yoga pants? Did they suddenly become the pants in which to travel when you are jetting across the friendly blue skies?

On a recent flight to Las Vegas I noticed that many women were wearing yoga pants - young women, old women, fit women, not so fit women. And in my humble opinion, this is not a great look when traveling. I think yoga pants do look good in certain situations,  like when you are doing yoga for example.  But that's about it.

Some people wear them too tight. I don't want to be that familiar with a friend's anatomy, never mind a total stranger's.  Some people wear them too loose, which makes them look like a big black diaper.

If I owned an airline there would not only be a baggage fee but also a yoga pants fee. The cost would be $25 for each person in your party wearing them. And everyone would have to step on the luggage scale. Those with a BMI greater than 24.9 or less than 18.5 would be charged an additional $10.00 for every 5 points they are over or under. And my slogan? "Martini Cartwheel Air - It's no farce. We really don't want to see your arse."




Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Tooth Be Told


We keep getting a bill for $1.00 from the Jesus dentist in Ludlow. I call him the Jesus dentist because he has a a picture of Jesus on the sign outside the office.

About few years ago, Blondie went to him for a routine visit. After they hygienist said all looked well, the dentist came in and said she need 5 fillings replaced. A second opinion and 6 years later, the original fillings are still in and all is well. Hmmmm.

About a year and a half ago, the bills for $1.00 started to arrive. Month after month, I get this bill, I rip it up, and I throw it in the trash. Jesus dentist has spent more on postage then on the actual bill.  I'm at the point where I may I set up my own payment plans, 1 penny at a time.

Don't be fooled by dentists with similar tactics. If they have a picture of a saint, a leprechaun, or a giant molar it could be trouble. You go in for a cleaning and the next thing you know you are paying for a full set of dentures. I speak the tooth.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Miracle At The Nursing Home

Oh dear Lord.

So as a follow up to my last post, my mother now thinks people are talking about her saying that she is pregnant.

When my sister tried to explain that there is an age limit on these sort of things, my mother just looked at her suspiciously and said "oh really?"

My mother never smoked. My mother never drank. That apparently was a big mistake. According to a new study by Martini Cartwheels Research, those who have no vices are more likely to lose their minds in their senior years. Trust me. I'm as reliable as the FDA.


Sunday, February 9, 2014

Bite Me With My Mother's Teeth

Might as well start off February with a post about Irene, my 88 year old mother.

Irene is at the point where "elderly paranoia" has set in. She doesn't trust most of the nurses aids which is very sad, as she depends on them for just about all of her needs. There are certain people you should always be nice to - your hairstylist, your phlebotomist, and your nurse's aid.

Anyway, I'm visiting with Irene a couple of weeks ago and she tells me how the aids try to take out her teeth at night. And I tell her that yes, of course they do, because you have false teeth and you normally don't sleep with your teeth in. The reason they want her teeth, according to Irene, is to give them to a little boy, who "evidently has awful teeth".

So now I'm picturing an 8 year old boy, running around with my mother's false teeth in his mouth, sporting a big ol' grin and sucking on a lollipop.

But let's not stop there. Because I also imagine he is wearing my mother's clothes. They take those away too at night (the concept of pajamas seems to also have been lost by Irene). This poor kid must take a lot of ribbing at school.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Let's Get Physical

Can someone please tell me why I spent $15.00 on a headband that makes me look like a crazy person? I definitely need something to mop up my brow as I sweat like a whore in church when I work out but this thing makes me look like I stepped out of an episode of The Brady Brunch.

And no, I'm not going to add a pic to this post of me wearing it. Use your imagination. Picture a 70's hair-band lead singer with dark curly locks flattened on the sides by a stretchy band of fabric. It ain't pretty.