Sunday, August 25, 2013

Making A Bad Taste Worse

I'm not sure which is more disturbing:
  • This product "imparts a forbidding taste to excrement"  - Sort of like the way adding a grain of sand to the beach makes it sandy.
  • There is a company with a Anticoprophagic  Division - What a shitty job, especially if you are the quality control inspector.
  • This is considered a condiment - I'll have to pick some of this up next time I have a pack of dogs over for a picnic.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Life's A Beach

Lots of things to blog about today after spending a day at the beach. Let's see now...

There was the man in line at the snack bar, standing only inches in front of me, adjusting his junk as he waited to place his order. Mixed nuts anyone? The child that was with him must have thought she was at the movies as she was busy picking her seat just prior to placing her hands on the counter where the food orders are taken.

Then there was the young gentleman on the beach whose profanity laced conversation had me a tad unnerved, especially since there was a woman and her elderly mother sitting only a few feet in front of him. He redeemed himself momentarily when the elderly woman, alone on the beach while her daughter was swimming, lost her umbrella after a gust of wind sent it flying.The f-bomber rushed in to help, but unfortunately bopped the senior on her head with said umbrella as he was trying to secure it to her chair. We later found out from her daughter that the woman was 95 years old.

The highlight of may day was probably the smelly stall in the women's room which reeked of urine. As I hovered above the commode on the wet sandy floor, anxiously spinning the toilet role obscured by the amber plastic housing, I realized that the stall was not going to be the only thing smelling like pee. No-more-paper. And next door to me? A child who had been eating orange Doritos by the handful prior to entering the stall. No thank you.

Remember the 95 year old woman I mentioned above? While I was off getting rid of some trash her daughter asked my partner if I didn't like the sun. Not quite sure how I gave her that impression. Could it have been the long sleeve, zip up neck, 55+SPF rash guard, the matching 55+ SPF shorts (fashion counts), the floppy hat, and the UV sunglasses I was wearing while sitting under an umbrella? Sun safety - it starts with you. I consider it a successful day at the beach if I return home whiter than when I left.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Perpetual Pain In The Pants

You know what I find really annoying? Radio ads that rely on alliteration to get your attention. Savory soups, perfect pasta, and fresh fish? Why suffering succotash! I'll just hop in my car and carefully cruise  to your ridiculous restaurant.

How about door busting deals dedicated to dads? That's fucking fantastic! I'll be sure to check out those  big ballsy buys.

Preferred pampering for my pooch and pussy (cat)? Have anything for a bevy of beautiful Bassets you annoying butt head?

A coupon good at Cathie's Cute Cuts and Curls? Why I would love to have my long locks liberated. But not necessarily until next November ninth.

Done now. And feeling much better.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Adventures At The Old Folks Home - How's Tricks?

I haven't posted in a bit so here is the back-story. My mother Irene is 88 years old and lives in a nursing home. And she hates it.

Anyway, a week or two ago my sister popped by the nursing home to visit and found Irene visibly upset. The person on the television had just reported that "Irene [LastName] is a prostitute.

Very disturbing. I don't know if it is the new medication or advancing dementia but I have repeatedly told Irene if she needed more money for her account I would be happy to deposit a few dollars. She doesn't have to resort to such things as prostitution in order to secure the funds to get a perm, buy a birthday card, or play bingo.

Oh I suppose I would have discovered it soon enough, even if the newscaster hadn't announced it. The increased wear and tear on her walker wheels, the extra dollar bills hidden in her denture cup, the requests for the fragrant dusting powder - it all adds up. Still, I am at a loss.

I'll be keeping my eye on her from now on. And I'm definitely not buying her that credit card reader she asked for during our last visit.