Thursday, November 24, 2016

My Thanksgiving Wish For You

There are so many things for which to be thankful for today. And one thing for which I and so many others are not. If you are still struggling with the results of this past election, here are few things that may help ease your pain.

  1. Meditate: Take some time for you. Find a quiet space, close your eyes, and breath deeply. 
  2. Exercise: Join a gym, go for a walk, move your body. Release that stress! Run as far as you can without stopping, perhaps all the way to Canada.
  3. Get back to nature: Hike the great outdoors. Find two sticks, about 5 inches in length. Now whittle the ends of those sticks into a nice sharp point and push them hard into your ear canal. Ahh...relief from the pain of the past few weeks.
  4. Take up a new hobby such as wine tasting. Buy yourself 7 cases of mixed varieties. Make notes on your favorites.  After the weekend, when you have depleted your stock, head back to the liquor store for 7 more cases and perhaps a wheel of cheese or two.
  5. Read a good book. My new favorites include "50 Turds A Day - Messages From The New Administration", and "Orange Is The New Hack", and "The Fart of The Steal - The Day America Lost Its Soul".
Wishing you all a very happy, safe, and fun filled holiday.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Trashy on Trash Day

In the early post dawn hours, when you think all your neighbors are still in bed, what do you wear to bring out the trash on trash day?

How far will you go? Will you venture down the driveway in your pajamas? In your bathrobe?

Here was my garbage chic inspired outfit for this morning:

So CJ. Who are you wearing? I'm wearing my own design, one that accentuates the incredible bed head I woke up with this morning.

Black slip on shoes, the pair I typically wear to work, accented with red M&M boxers, a flannel shirt (Walmart's best), and a Seahawks* football t-shirt  combined beautifully to create this amazing ensemble.

Neighbors - you are welcome. You all now realize just how good you look today.

For added bonus trashy girl points, we are giving away this gently used suitcase which is your for the taking at the end of the driveway.

*I am totally a Patriot's fan but on a recent trip to Seattle, we picked up Seahawks t's as we needed something to sleep in. Tommy I'm sorry.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Now Boarding Rows 1 Through 10. Is There Room For Your Carry On?

Here's an interesting texting typo I created last week:

And if airline seats get any smaller, I can see this being an actual problem. Can you imagine? I'm sorry ma'am, but there is no way both of you can seat in one seat. You will have to purchase an additional ticket for "her".

What would happen then? Would she want the window or middle seat? That's assuming she would even want to sit next to me. I mean, we are together 24/7 so she may want a little alone time, out in the open air, where she is free of any restraint.

And what if she is chatty, flapping her lips the whole time? I'm not a big talker when I travel, preferring instead to bury my head in a magazine so I can take my mind off the flight and enjoy my Ativan.

I imagine the conversation going as such:

She:  I hate that bike seat at spin class. You have no idea what it's like.
Me:  Spin class is only 50 minutes. You can handle it. I bought you padded shorts. Those weren't
         cheap you know.
She:  What do you think of this look? [points to picture from a glamour magazine]
Me:  Absolutely not. No pompadours. I don't care how popular they are. Why did you hit the call
She: I 'm cold. I want a blanket and a snack. Maybe some cheese and crackers and a glass of wine.
Me:  No wine! You know how you get after a few drinks.
She:  Zip it. You're not the boss of me.
Me:  You zip it!
She:  Ok, you asked for it.
Me:  I was only kidding! Wait!

Lesson learned. Always board the plane in time to make room for your carry-on, whatever that may be.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

How To Ace Your Annual Employee Review

If you work for an organization that has a fiscal year starting July 1, you may be preparing for your annual merit review. Sometimes this process is accompanied by the "pre-review"  questionnaire where you write down all the great things you did during the year. It usually starts off something like this: "Highlight your major accomplishments for the 2016 fiscal year. Please include specific references to each time you restrained yourself from choking the living shit out of a co-worker."

I believe the pre-review is an outdated method of accurately accessing an employee's accomplishments. Therefore I would like to propose that from now on, the employee pre-review consists entirely of interpretive dance, performed while wearing an unitard, set to a Mongolian throat singing soundtrack.

Sound good? Great. Now get practicing!