Martini Cartwheels

My tribute to Bill O: There once was an old man from Fox news, who had very conservative views. He said watch this trick as he pulled out his ****, And now he is singing the blues.

There once was a girl on  a ferry, who's friends were feeling quite merry. As they crossed the ocean blue, here's what they decided to do. They made her bum look festive but scary.

Our play date went by in a jiffy. But it tired out my friend Stiffy. Because of the booze, She decided to snooze. And when she awoke she was nifty.

Yes, I made a resolution to lose weight. But in order to do that, I need to go on a little binge, stuffing my cake-hole with junk food until I am so disgusted with myself that the above no longer tempts me and eating healthy will not feel like such a chore. Today my lunch consisted of boneless wings, waffle fries with cheese, chili, and sour cream, an open face turkey sandwich on Texas toast with mashed potatoes, and one large beer with which to wash it all down. And I can say is "Yum, yum, yum." Hey, there's not a lot to do here in Massachusetts in the winter. I was bored. And hungry. And come on, I know there are a handful of you out there that thinks this looks good. Fess up fellow bloggers ! It's cold and gray in my home of Mass, Wings make me warm but stick to my ass. All food with a great taste, Seems to hang on my waist, It's treadmill time for this beer drinking lass.

I'm preparing for the arrival of two new pieces of exercise equipment tomorrow by eating Lay's Potato Chips and a chocolate donut from The Whole Donut tonight. The treadmill and elliptical are on the way, I ate all summer and now must pay. But I don't think it is a sin, To have donut crumbs on my chin, Although I'd prefer glazed I must say. Glazed, as opposed to chocolate. Get your minds out of the gutter people.

Birdie, birdie, on my pool gate you sit. You and your mate, you peep and you flit. But when I shouted shoo, You dropped some more poo, And now my patio is all covered with shit.

Of all the places this fungus could pick, It was in my yard it decided to stick. There will be no prize, For it's shape or it's size. In fact the look of it is making me sick. Ok, fess up. Who thought I was going to rhyme pick with trick?

My buddy Stiffy One-Two gave me this beautiful martini glass when she was up visiting a few days ago. I'm looking forward to breaking it in this weekend. Thank you Stiffy - you rock! Stiffy brought forth a martini glass, A great gift that no one could surpass. CJ filled it with gin, And fell down on her chin, At least this time it wasn't her ass.

My sister hit the switch, the hand did twitch. And suddenly I shouted "it hurts like a bitch!" Then she to which said laughing with a stitch, It looks as though your thumb is going to unhitch! And oh my wrist did start to itch! Yes, the Wizard of Oz is one of my favorite movies. Thank you to the writers of the Muchkin Land Song, lyrics by EH Harburg and music by Harold Arlen.

For her next short program performance on the driveway rink, perhaps my sister should attempt an axel jump or camel spin instead. I must shovel the snow, I insist! She said as she shook her closed fist. Not heeding advice, She slipped on the ice, And now has a green cast on her wrist.

Driving West on the Mohawk is fun, The Fall scenery is second to none. But if it's deer that you seek, Then you better act meek, For when you shout "There's the effing deer" then they run.

There once was a college tour guide, Whose zipper decided to slide. So sad she didn't know, Until the very end of her show, And the whole group saw her pants open wide! Sorry but I just could not resist. I will not let your identity out of the barn (door that is).