Martini Cartwheels

Eating. Yup, that's how I am spending my week off. Yesterday it was lunch at the Salem Cross Inn in West Brookfield, MA. According to their website: The Salem Cross Inn is named for the witch-mark found on the front door-latch of the Inn. In the town of Salem and throughout the Bay Colony this mark was used to protect their inhabitants against "ye evills of witchcraft and diverse other manifestations of deviltry." You can see the hexmark in the picture above. It obviously doesn't protect the inhabitants against gluttony, as I cleaned every morsel off my plate. I then got on my broom and flew home, whereupon I stretched out on the floor and fell asleep in front of the fireplace. When I awoke, it was time for a snack. Peanut brittle - from the box to my mouth with not one conscious thought as to my caloric intake for the day. And guess what? It's time for breakfast and I could really go for some pancakes. Wonder what my New Year's resolution should be. Oh yeah,...

This has not been a productive year for me with blog posting at all. One of my resolutions is to try to be better. Promise, promise, promise. The other thing I promise is to not pretend I am Stiffy when she forgets to log out of her Facebook account on my iPad. Sure, I thought it was important to let the world know that Stiffy loves to sing and crochet, that she felt like tap dancing, and that she was looking to buy a used horse to ride to work. But still, it wasn't nice of me. Sorry Stiffy. And tell your aunt she can stop looking for that horse for you. On a totally different topic, I received a very cool Christmas gift from Blondie. It's called a fitbit and it is the neatest gadget. I clip it to my pants and it tracks my steps, calories, and flights of stairs. There is an application to use in conjunction with the fitbit in which you can enter your weight, food, and water intake. Now here is the ultra cool thing it does - it tracks my sleep when I wear it at night. All the ...

Models in poses and gin from Great Britain, tight summer t-shirts that show of your tittens, white takeout styrofoam full of hot wings, these are a few of my favorite things. Gold colored Yorkies but not dancing Poodles, hair gels and sport gels and notepads with doodles. Blue pouches that carry a Tiffany ring, these are a few of my favorite things. Dykes on big Harley's with loud pipes that do scream, cute Femmes that ride on the back of those machines, silver white hair that the years often bring, these are a few of my favorite things. When the wine spills, when your kid steals, when you're drunk a tad, Just simply remember Martini Cartwheels, and then you won't feel so bad. Apologies to Julie Andrews and the Von Trapps for mangling this otherwise beautiful song.

Every year around this time, our neighbor McCheesy and her husband McMeaty host a cookie swap. It's a really great event, something Blondie and I always look forward to. There's fun people, amazing food, and cookies galore. The premise of the event is simple. Everyone brings 5 dozen cookies to share with the group. In return, each person gets to go home with a ton of various types of delicious cookies. One of the highlights of the afternoon is when all the ladies gather round the living room to discuss what type of confection they made and what inspired them to do so. It usually goes something like this: "I made a petite double layer chocolate cookie with crème fraîche and toasted almonds." "This year I tried my hand at making cookies with white ganache and fresh organic strawberries." "I went with my all time favorite recipe, peanut butter melt-a-ways with marshmallow fondant." Then comes our turn: "This year Blondie and I went all...

Blondie and I went to a bitching 40th surprise party last night for our gal pal Nicki (who is looking absolutely fabulous I might add). Since the actual birthday isn't until this weekend, I thought I would help her out by letting her know what to expect when she wakes up on Sunday morning, her first day on a new decade of life. You won't be able to read. Put another way, YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO READ. Every calorie you eat, be it from an apple or a potato chip, will take approximately 237 hours of running on the treadmill to burn off. Remember the Bain Du Soleil lady? Well, she remembers you. And she apologizes for lying about Orange Gelee Number 4. At best, there is only another 7 years or so before your body's thermostat raises your inner core to a temperature somewhere between that of molten lava and the bowels of hell. Mind you, this will only happen when you are trying to fall asleep at night or in a meeting at work. You will change your mind about pajama jeans. You f...

I want to give a shout out to friend, fellow blogger and filmmaker, Laine, was interviewed Sunday evening on A World Of Progress Radio where she discussed her current project. I think this film is going to have it all - intrigue, drama, suspense. And it's based on lesbian characters. What more could a girl ask for? Please see Laine's website, Magnolia Bay Films , for additional details.

Mellow weekend. I spent Friday night and just about all of Saturday at home, sitting in front of the television watching shows with titles like "Lockup - Inside [Insert Name Here] Women's Penitentiary." There was a woman who hid four methadone pills in a body cavity which were discovered during a strip search. You know, sometimes I just want to bring an aspirin or two when I head out for the day. And not being one to carry a pocketbook - well, I guess I have my solution. But I'll take the vitamins before I leave the house. Those things are horse pills. Now if I could just find a place for my umbrella.

So if you heard the phrase "Can I just grab your extension?", you would be: a) Sitting in your living room watching a porno b) Having a fun time on a date c) In a meeting with me, wondering in amazement, why I would use that terminology to ask for a male co-worker's phone number. As soon as "grab" left my mouth, I knew the words were just spewing out with no thought process involved.

Do you have this problem too? You check all, and I mean all, the pockets before you put the pants in the washing machine. Then when you go to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer, you find a tattered mess of tissue sticking to everything. The Kleenex Fairy was not nice to me this morning. Unless I have started to stick a tissue up my sleeve (and I really hope I have not become my mother just yet), there is no way that this object was in any of the pants prior to me closing the lid on the washing machine. I think the Kleenex Fairy is in cahoots with the Sock Fairy - only difference being one gives and one takes.

If you're out of power and you know it, clap your hands. If you're out of power and you know it, clap your hands. If you're out of power and you know it, then your hair will truly show it, if you're smelly and you know it clap your dirty hands. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The problem with having a well is if the power goes out, you have no water. Which means you need to conserve toilet flushes. It takes about 2 gallons of water to fill the tank. Every day we have been filling up 5 one gallon plastic bottles at Blondie's parent's house and bringing them back home. Tonight we used up about 3 gallons as the tank was on E and the bowl was not. That's when I decided I had had enough. Time to start peeing outside. Blondie opened the front door as I was mid-stream and pointed her flashlight in my direction. As the beam reflected off my lilly white ass, I could have sworn I heard one of my neighbors exclaim "Honey! The power must have been restored! There's a spotlight coming from the lesbian's house!" Ok, maybe it was just my imagination. But it is our 6th night of being in the dark and I think I may be starting to hallucinate. Just a little bit. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad Location: My Driveway

All you really need is some snow, beer, bubblegum vodka, and turkey meatballs. Everyday there is no power,I move a more few inches toward induction into the White Trash Hall Of Fame. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Still no power, heat, or running water since this past Saturday. The latest update from the power company says we should have service Friday at midnight. We've eaten most of the junk food in the house. We have even finished off the light beer (oh the horror of it all!) I am on vacation this week which saves my coworkers from having to look at my bed head. Pretty. Signing off for now, Stinky McSmelly aka CJ - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Irene hams it up for the camera. Just after we shot this, she asked me if my chest had gotten bigger. Then she lifted up her shirt to show me she had gone up a bra size or two. Mind you, although no one was in the room with us, we were sitting in a common area.

So last week I committed the cardinal sin of FUI - Facebooking Under The Influence. And I may have, kind of sort of, posted something about the Occupy Wall Street people that made me sound like a bit of a heartless whiney bitch. The gist of the post was that I had little sympathy for the occupiers since I commute 2+ hours one way to work every day and don't get home until 12 hours after I leave the house. To redeem myself, here is my explanation. You see, here in Massachusetts we are subjected to the news, pictures, and videos of Occupy Boston. And unlike New York, the Massachusetts occupiers primarily seem to be spoiled recent college grads from Northeastern or Boston University who owe 100K plus in school loans and who are very pissed off for not yet being welcomed into Massachusetts upper middle class society even though they majored in something like Ancient Herbal Teas of the Old World or The Biology of Psychosis In Tree Dwelling Marsupials. And that to me is annoying. That be...

Irene can be a little feisty at times. This weekend, while I was visiting her at the nursing home, she peaked out from her room into the hallway and spied the lift scale they use to weigh the residents, whereupon she blurted out an expletive or two and took a firm stand on not getting out of bed to get into that thing. ==== Irene: You know, I weigh 90 pounds now. [Last week she told my sister and me she weighed 190 pounds - actual weight is probably around 125] Me: I thought that is what you weighed when you first came here. Irene: No, when I first got here, I weighed 9 or 10 pounds. That doesn't sound right does it? === No Irene, that doesn't sound right at all. I know for a fact that when you were first admitted, you weighed at least 12 pounds. Hey, you can laugh or cry. I choose to laugh.

I'm a little upset this morning. It appears that someone has stolen my likeness and associated it to their product. I know what you are thinking - it must be for some sexy underwear ad. Shocking, but no. Even though I must say a "Make Your Double A's Take Her Breath Away" campaign, featuring yours truly, might be a really big hit. No, apparently my look appeals more to a sporty, fun loving, young audience. Like the ones that play video games for example. Hockey video games to be exact. Lovely. Thanks Stiffy for thinking of me and passing along this image. Oh, and just to make matters worse, it was Stiffy's 8 year old son who pointed it out. And Stiffy agreed.

How many questions does one have to answer before you are actually allowed to pump the gas? 1. Rewards Card? -----> I hit Yes 2. Point Balance is 500 - Redeem? ------> I hit No 3. Debit Card? -------> I hit No 4. Car Wash Today? -----> I hit No 5. Would you like a receipt? ------> I hit No 6. Pap Smear? ------> I ran away.

The following is a recent conversation I had with my 86 year old Mother Irene. Irene: Do you make good money? Me: Good is a relative term. What do you mean by good? Irene: Do you make at least $75.00 a week? Me: Yes, I make at least $75.00 a week. Irene: Then you're rich. Where else are you going to make that kind of money? Me: Oh, I don't know. McDonalds?

Given my recent eating frenzy, I thought a re-post of this may be in order: Pumpkin this and pumpkin that, Fall is here and I feel fat. Cider donuts, apple pies, Adding inches to my thighs. Football snacks and mugs of beer, Up a size oh dear, oh dear. It's time to stop, it's time to quit, I think I felt my pants just split. Yeah Fall!!!!!!

No, I'm not hunched over from stomach cramps. But I should be. We have been to The Big E five times this season (so far). I have consumed so much fried food that I am going to have to eat oatmeal with every meal for the next five years in order to get my cholesterol back in check. I'm eating some right now. Here's a partial list: fried Oreos, fried Snickers, fried corn kernels, fried camembert cheese, apple pie with cheese, baked potato with cheese, blueberry crisp, cheese curds, pizza, nachos, cheese plate (with grapes = healthy), lobster rolls, maple cream cone (like maple syrup but in cream form), blueberry juice (another healthy choice), polish plates (pierogi, kapusta, kielbasa), and a reuben sandwich. And of course, craft beer from around New England. Gluttony. Pure gluttony. And I loved every bite.

You can see a lot of interesting things at a State Fair. These alien dolls seemed a little out of place to me. Not as out of place however, as the beer bellied dude wearing a t-shirt that read "I'm Not A Gynecologist But I'll Take A Look." Funny, because I'm not a proctologist - but I can spot an ahole a mile away. Bet you meet a lot of women that way stud.

Bummer! While this person was sitting on the grass cracking jokes with a friend, our spy cam captured this shot. Ok, ok, not nice I know. Probably a new low, even for me. Butt it wasn't my idea - it was Stiffy's. And besides, wouldn't you feel a little breeze if your backside was exposed like this?

September is one of the worst driving months of the year. Back to school, back to work - where were all these maniacs all summer? I've had a few 2.5 hour morning commutes and even some 3 hour ones. I pass the time by listening to talk radio, talking on the phone, pulling into the rest area for coffee, and flipping off the other drivers. Hey - it ain't easy commuting with all those Massholes. I stopped for coffee on the way home the other day, something I usually don't do. I pulled up to the drive-thru, placed my order, and answered politely with a "Yes, Sir" when asked if the order was complete. Unfortunately when she handed me my coffee and repeated what I owed, the voice coming out of this body matched the voice that came out of the speaker when I ordered my beverage. Whoops. That'll teach me to be so freaking polite.

Had a nice visit today with Irene. Above is a picture of a bracelet she made. She was wearing it but told me she didn't really like it. I said I would take it. It reminds me of her when I wear it. Irene: Have you seen Sonny Bono lately on the TV? Me: No. Sonny Bono? [Irene with puzzled look] Me: You mean Chaz Bono? Irene: Oh yes, Chaz. Who was Sonny? His father? Me: Yes. Irene: Imagine all he has been through to change his body. Me: Yeah, quite a bit. Irene: How do you make a penis? I didn't answer. I mean, if I told her (2 cups flour, pinch of salt, 1/2 cup of beer, and 2 eggs) she wouldn't remember anyway. **For those of you new to my Irene posts, Irene is my 86 year old Mother. She is currently residing in a nursing home, much to her to chagrin.

Please tell me why riding a bicycle was easier on my one speed banana seat bike then it is on my 21 speed. Blondie and I had purchased bikes many years ago and never really used them much. Well, we decided to get back on them this weekend. And apparently we now live in the hilliest section of the world. Up and down, up and down (my head bobbing for oxygen, not the terrain.) Bike shorts? I never had bike short as a kid. So why does my ass hurt despite all the padding on my behind? (No comments on the padding please - it is implied that some of the padding is built into the shorts and some is natural.) Blondie is a good riding partner. She is constantly looking over her shoulder to make sure I haven't collapsed during the climb. Of course, in my bright orange biking shirt she may just mistake me for a traffic cone one day and keep right on going. Happy Labor Day! Keep on pedaling.

Yes, I say that outfit was 50% off. Leave it to Blondie to notice this window display as we were walking through the mall this afternoon. I'm not quite sure what the buy one get one refers to. I thought these things were usually sold in pairs.

Does it make me a bad friend if I laughed so hard I nearly peed when Stiffy told me she caught son number 2 using her neti pot? I mean that in and of itself may not be so funny. But he was using it while he was taking a shower - to wash his butt crack. And she's pretty sure this wasn't the first time. So Stiffy was basically washing out her sinuses with a spigot that had been in someone else's nether regions. I'm still giggling. As bad as this was, I'm not quite sure it tops the incident Stiffy had with her other son. Stiffy couldn't quite figure why her face was breaking out. After all, she took good care of her skin, washing her face morning and evening with her Dove moisturizing bar, which was kept, like the neti pot, in the shower. And you guessed it. Her soap had been somewhere it probably should not have been if it was going to be shared among family members. Yes, Stiffy was literally shit faced. I love my Stiffy. But from now on, I'm not ever u...

Hmmmm, what to do, what to do when you are feeling trapped inside on a rainy day? I know, let's stick candles in our ears and light them on fire! [The candles that is, not our ears hopefully.] However, it may be best to read the instructions prior to lighting the candle. Oh what the hell. Let's just figure it out as we go along. One of the highlights of the afternoon was Stiffy's topless walk from the kitchen to her bedroom. Those pesky ashes. Not quite sure how they got all over her shirt. Hope your hurricane party was as fun as ours was!

The septic man came to the house and had me drop a little blue plastic thingy down the toilet. He then went out in the yard and scanned the ground with something that looked vaguely like a metal detector. It beeped. He dug. And lo and behold, there it was! He opened in the lid. It was like a giant pool of toilet/sink/shower waste. And the first thought that raced through my mind was "When did we have corn?"

Do you use coconut oil? If so, do you think it really has all the health benefits the write-ups claim? I tried a spoonful of it today. It looks like lard but tastes pretty darn good. I haven't tried the manna yet, but it smells delicious. I'm thinking of throwing one or the other in smoothies and oatmeal. I still feel a bit unsure - it just looks like it would clog the heck out of your arteries. But from what I've read that is not the case at all. If anyone has any thoughts, suggestions, recipies on how to use this stuff, I would love to hear from you.

The beach hat - fashion accessory or personal protective equipment (PPE)? With all the talk of sun safety, beach hats are now as common as coolers and and umbrellas. Here are a few examples. The Big Brim Baby Blue Beach Beanie: This hat has three functions. First, it keeps the sun of your face and the face of everyone else in your party. Second, it serves as a landing spot for seagulls and seaplanes. Lastly, it converts to a picnic table on which you can set all your beach snacks. The Two Hats Are Better Than One Hat: Hmmmm. White visor or straw beach hat? Stop stressing over the decision and wear both! You get the protection of a wide brim hat plus the sportiness of a visor all rolled into one here. Tennis anyone? The Plain Jane Chapeau : What do you get when you cross Roseanne Rosannadanna + Bozo + Wayne from Wayne's World? | ...

A group of us are having a weight loss competition. It goes for 10 weeks and the goal is to lose a pound a week. For every week you don't lose a pound, you have to put $5.00 in the kitty. At the end of 10 weeks the one with the greatest percentage of weight loss gets the pot. Two weeks in and I owe 5 bucks. Not such a great start but I'm confident I can do this. One person has already lost five pounds (would you eat something Mindy for fuck's sake?) You know I love me some Stiffy. She decided to join a gym to help her in her weight loss quest. Stiffy is not really a gym rat. At all. The gym however, has tanning, which is something Stiffy does like. So the other night when she was at the gym she stripped down to her undies, disinfected the the tanning bed, and attempted to slide in - without drying the bed first. And then she somehow flew out of the bed onto the floor, thong intact but slightly shaken. Stiffy, Stiffy, Stiffy. You know I love you woman but I am still lau...

If you use Stat Counter or another analytics tool, you can find the most common search keywords that direct people to your blog. Here are my recent keywords as of today: porn actress roniqa: I have a friend with a similar name that I have mentioned once or twice on this blog. To the best of my knowledge, she is not a porn star. However, Blondie and I did go to a strip club with her once and had a most excellent time. mouse droppings in pool: I've referenced our pool, aka "The Wet Spot" and "That hole in the ground into which I pour water and money". Every now and again I have had to retrieve a mouse from the pool, who although shit scared, prefers to leave all his droppings in the shed prior to going for a swim. blondies teeth: Yes, I did blog about Blondie's teeth. Because she still has them, and I'm not taking about the ones in her head. She has her baby teeth along with some of the dog's puppy teeth tucked away. I plan to string them together o...

So 60 feet from some iron pin on the right side and 96 feet from some prop pin (whatever the heck that is) is the outlet to our septic tank which I must find and expose in order to have the septic tank pumped. It's like geo-tracking in your backyard only the prize isn't some sort of treasure - it's not having whatever went down the drain and the toilet in the past five years flow into the house. See the number 2 on the map above? That's it. Number 2 is what I have to find so I don't find number 2 someplace else, namely the kitchen floor. Now who knows how to read that freaking map shown above?

On what planet do the makers of women's exercise shorts live? Whatever that planet is, the women who live there must all weigh 75 pounds. The shorts displayed in this picture are a size large. I was surprised to find they were not 50% off since half of the material required for a size large was missing from said article of clothing. I would be lucky to fit this around my head, never mind my ass. Can you imagine? Tammy Tuck-Up Camel Toe would be my new nick name if ever presented myself in public wearing these beauties. I'll stick to men's workout shorts. They may not be as sexy, but at least I won't have to dislocate my hips to get them on.

Ever done a sing-a-long at a nursing home? It just so happens there was one at the nursing home where my mother Irene resides and I was lucky enough to be visiting at the time. Irene was complaining about how boring these sing-a-longs are. The activities director passed out the song sheets and put on the music. Irene pouted. So in order to make it more fun for her, I modified the lyrics a bit. What the hell I thought - everyone in there is deaf and I was positioned just behind Irene where I could whisper the new lyrics in her ear. Here's a sampling of some of the songs we sang (with modified titles for added enjoyment): My Drunken Irish Nose School Gays Homo On The Range Oh You Beautiful Blow Up Doll Sometimes instead of changing the title of the song within the lyrics, I changed an entire line: Give My Regards To B roadway Whisper of how I'm yearning, To mingle with the old time throng, Give my regards to old Broadway And say that I'll be wearing my thong. There's A Lo...

Because I love and admire my blog readers, all three of you, I feel as though I must be totally honest in order to continue our relationship. So today I am coming out as bi. I had put this off for as long as I could. I tolerated the uncomfortableness of it all, just to keep my little secret safe. However, I am tired of not being able to experience both those things right under my nose and those that are coming down the road. Yes my friends, I am getting bifocals. Being bifocaled is nothing of which to be ashamed. I will wear my new lineless bifocal glasses with pride. I will buy stylish readers at the local drugstore to counter the strength of my new contacts which will now prevent me from reading menus and magazines (no bifocal contacts - I do have my limits you know.) At times there will be challenges. But with the support of you my blog friends I know I will stay strong. Bifocal pride - let's read something together. Peace.

Pippa and Boo Boo taking a little rest I would like to introduce you to Pippa, the newest member of our family. She is a two and a half year old Yorkshire Terrier. She is a real sweetie and is getting along with Boo Boo just fine. If a year ago you told me our sweet Coco Chanel and precious Cierra Belle would both be gone, I'm not sure I would have believed it. We can never replace The Girlz and they will live forever in our hearts. We miss them every day. Today we are fortunate to have Boo Boo and Pippa in our lives. And we will not take them for granted, not for a single second. They are wonderful girls. I think Coco and Cierra would approve. Coco and Cierra in November 2010

I've decided I hate the term "bitter sweet". From now on, I am going to substitute the term "sweet and sour". It is somewhat comforting for me to infuse the thought of Chinese food into a situation that is only half good. I also am not fond of "back in the day". I am changing that to "back before I was gay", which would cover the time period prior to my conception in the fall of 1963. To refer to things that happened prior to my 16th birthday, I will say "back when I had no pay". For my college years, "back when I was to drunk to say". And for the time period covering my twenties and thirties, I like "back before I wasn't afraid to tell you what I weigh". ------------ Random thought - I discovered that I am addicted to pre-sliced cheddar. I have my neighbor McCheesy to thank for this as she dropped off the aforementioned dairy item at our house last week. I've been throwing those tasty little squares dow...

Our play date went by in a jiffy. But it tired out my friend Stiffy. Because of the booze, She decided to snooze. And when she awoke she was nifty.

Hey Girls! Maybe we should have skipped that last round of drinks at the tea dance? Not even the sugar in the salt water taffy could keep these four awake on the ferry ride home from Provincetown. Must have been all that dancing! At least Stiffy had the right idea when she found a row of empty seats.

Age: 5 Days Source: Family Style Restaurant Place of Origin: Wilbraham, Massachusetts Price: $8.00 for a pair Would I get this again: Probably Did this give me a stomach ache: No Did this give me gas: No Goes well with: Beer, White Wine (what doesn't?) Miscellaneous Note: Lactaid may be necessary prior to eating this, a defibrillator may necessary be post consumption. I am a ?

Why is my cell phone in the toothpaste drawer? And why is the toothpaste on the counter? Must have been a fun night. Somebody please tell me I didn't do karaoke. A cheeseburger, chocolate shake, and fries at 11:00pm? That PuPu Platter for 3 must not have filled me up. The diet starts today. Right after I finish up those leftover crab rangoons.

My niece recently took a business trip to New Orleans and brought me back a Voodoo Doll. It came complete with pins and instructions. I'm thinking of bringing it to work and keeping it on my desk. Will that look bad? It's been said that those currently under the influence of a Voodoo spell will not be able to read the words printed on the inside of the doll case (shown above). I have no problem so I'm thinking I am ok. I won't actually use it of course, as I am pretty superstitious and I wouldn't want to put the whammy on anyone, even someone who is a total pain in the ass. Plus, I would first have to get a piece of their hair and it would look odd to walk up to someone pull out a lock from their head. They might get mad and kick me in the shins. The doll can be used for good. There are pins for success, power, spirituality, money, and love, each one represented by a different color. I am going to add an amber colored pin for Sam Adams lager, as you never know when...