Sunday, July 13, 2014

Cheap Sunglasses

Here's a money saving tip. I'll preface this advice by telling you that I am tight as wallpaper.

If you wear glasses, it can be very costly to buy both regular glasses and sunglasses. So next time you are at the opthamologist, ask for a pair of those plastic sun blocker inserts. You know, the ones that look like this:


I use mine in the car all the time. You'll know if you ever forgot to remove the inserts by the looks you will get as you are walking down the street. I may look like I have an extra set of very bushy eyebrows but I don't care!  And neither will you when you realize the money you have just saved.




Saturday, July 12, 2014

Truth in Advertising

I was browsing an SPF clothing catalog the other day when I came across this photo. I don't know about you, but I'm quickly losing confidence in this product. You better get that arm checked lady.




Using that photo to sell SPF products is like using this picture to sell toothpaste:




Here's a product that knows how to sell itself however. Beaver Butter. Enough said.


Saturday, April 19, 2014

Avoid The Downward Dog In The Aisle

Can we talk about yoga pants? Did they suddenly become the pants in which to travel when you are jetting across the friendly blue skies?

On a recent flight to Las Vegas I noticed that many women were wearing yoga pants - young women, old women, fit women, not so fit women. And in my humble opinion, this is not a great look when traveling. I think yoga pants do look good in certain situations,  like when you are doing yoga for example.  But that's about it.

Some people wear them too tight. I don't want to be that familiar with a friend's anatomy, never mind a total stranger's.  Some people wear them too loose, which makes them look like a big black diaper.

If I owned an airline there would not only be a baggage fee but also a yoga pants fee. The cost would be $25 for each person in your party wearing them. And everyone would have to step on the luggage scale. Those with a BMI greater than 24.9 or less than 18.5 would be charged an additional $10.00 for every 5 points they are over or under. And my slogan? "Martini Cartwheel Air - It's no farce. We really don't want to see your arse."




Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Tooth Be Told


We keep getting a bill for $1.00 from the Jesus dentist in Ludlow. I call him the Jesus dentist because he has a a picture of Jesus on the sign outside the office.

About few years ago, Blondie went to him for a routine visit. After they hygienist said all looked well, the dentist came in and said she need 5 fillings replaced. A second opinion and 6 years later, the original fillings are still in and all is well. Hmmmm.

About a year and a half ago, the bills for $1.00 started to arrive. Month after month, I get this bill, I rip it up, and I throw it in the trash. Jesus dentist has spent more on postage then on the actual bill.  I'm at the point where I may I set up my own payment plans, 1 penny at a time.

Don't be fooled by dentists with similar tactics. If they have a picture of a saint, a leprechaun, or a giant molar it could be trouble. You go in for a cleaning and the next thing you know you are paying for a full set of dentures. I speak the tooth.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Miracle At The Nursing Home

Oh dear Lord.

So as a follow up to my last post, my mother now thinks people are talking about her saying that she is pregnant.

When my sister tried to explain that there is an age limit on these sort of things, my mother just looked at her suspiciously and said "oh really?"

My mother never smoked. My mother never drank. That apparently was a big mistake. According to a new study by Martini Cartwheels Research, those who have no vices are more likely to lose their minds in their senior years. Trust me. I'm as reliable as the FDA.


Sunday, February 9, 2014

Bite Me With My Mother's Teeth

Might as well start off February with a post about Irene, my 88 year old mother.

Irene is at the point where "elderly paranoia" has set in. She doesn't trust most of the nurses aids which is very sad, as she depends on them for just about all of her needs. There are certain people you should always be nice to - your hairstylist, your phlebotomist, and your nurse's aid.

Anyway, I'm visiting with Irene a couple of weeks ago and she tells me how the aids try to take out her teeth at night. And I tell her that yes, of course they do, because you have false teeth and you normally don't sleep with your teeth in. The reason they want her teeth, according to Irene, is to give them to a little boy, who "evidently has awful teeth".

So now I'm picturing an 8 year old boy, running around with my mother's false teeth in his mouth, sporting a big ol' grin and sucking on a lollipop.

But let's not stop there. Because I also imagine he is wearing my mother's clothes. They take those away too at night (the concept of pajamas seems to also have been lost by Irene). This poor kid must take a lot of ribbing at school.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Let's Get Physical

Can someone please tell me why I spent $15.00 on a headband that makes me look like a crazy person? I definitely need something to mop up my brow as I sweat like a whore in church when I work out but this thing makes me look like I stepped out of an episode of The Brady Brunch.

And no, I'm not going to add a pic to this post of me wearing it. Use your imagination. Picture a 70's hair-band lead singer with dark curly locks flattened on the sides by a stretchy band of fabric. It ain't pretty.