Monday, February 19, 2018

There's A Draft In Here

Beer tip of the day. A few pints of a nice hoppy IPA followed by spoonfuls of maple pretzel peanut butter, Cheez-Its, and gulps of water may have the following side effects: sleeplessness, headache, nausea, vomiting, and disrupted sleep for other members of the household.

On to more pressing matters, specifically an "Official Summons For Juror Service".

Jury duty equals a day full of anxiety and stress for the following reasons:

  • Courthouses are typically located in areas with limited parking
  • It always seems to fall on a day when there is something important going on at work
  • You are forced to sit for hours in a room full of strangers
  • Raising your hand when you have to pee is embarrassing
  • The worry that the sushi/chicken salad/blue cheese dressing/yogurt you ate the night before was actually a day past its expiration and will be letting you know that very soon
**This post is a draft from a few months back that I never got around to finishing. So here is the update.

Jury duty was easy peasy. A big hint that early dismissal was imminent happened when the clerk informed the jury pool that no judge was available for the standard jury duty pep talk. Shortly thereafter, just as I was settling in to my second episode of Flea Market Flip, we were sent home. It was 9:30am. After surprising my sweetie at her office building and grabbing breakfast, I headed back home where I immediately signed into work. Like an ass. Who does that? Who doesn't take advantage of a free day off from work? I should have headed back to the court house and had myself arrested for being stupid.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Turning Up The Heat

It is July. Or as we like to call it, one more month to use the pool before it gets too cold in Massachusetts. I like my pool water to be about 89 degrees, more like a big hot tub minus the bubbles. I won't dry dive directly into the pool unless it is at this temp or higher.  Or maybe if I was being chased by zombies. (Assuming zombies can't swim and that chlorine makes their parts fall off).

When I was about 4 years old I dove into the bathtub. It explains a lot I know. There was water in the tub, not that it mattered. It wasn't so much as a swan dive but a head first half jump/half roll into the back ledge. It left me with a nice egg on my forehead and a new appreciation for porcelain.  It was ok however because the water was warm.

You know those people who do polar plunges into the ocean in January? I will never be one of those people. If I were Jack from the Titanic,  I would have clunked Rose over the head with that floating piece of wood and hauled my ass out of that freezing water.

Enjoy your weekend! May your drinks be cold and your water be warm.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

A Limerick For The Fox News Dirty Old Man

My tribute to Bill O:

There once was an old man from Fox news,
who had very conservative views.
He said watch this trick
as he pulled out his ****,
And now he is singing the blues.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Lessons from the Pulpit

I don't subscribe to any organized religion and the only time I find myself in a church is for a wedding or a funeral. The last couple of days however, I have been listening to snippets of Joel Osteen's radio broadcast. His words can be inspirational even for a heathen like myself. Joel's message seems similar to the law of attraction but with biblical references thrown in. I can almost relate.

Today's talk was about not holding on to anger and bitterness. In order to move forward in life, we can't be carrying around excess emotional baggage. That makes sense to me. Tell me more Joel!

Somebody cut you off on your commute? Drop it, leave it, let it go says Joel. Got your knickers in a twist about something that happened at work? Drop it, leave it, let it go. A friend of yours voted for Trump? Drop it, leave it, let it go. (That last one is my example and personal challenge of late.)

With Joel's sermon fresh on my mind, I pulled into the driveway and walked through the door. The dogs ran over to greet me in their usual manner. And because they missed me so much, they left me a present on the kitchen floor. In order to destroy the evidence, one of our clever little ones walked over to the Yorkie cigar and moved in for a bite. Suddenly the words that had been floating around in my head were now audible. "Drop it, leave it, let it go!"

It worked. Thank you Joel. I may be tuning in more often.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Are Those Your Spin Pants Or Are You Happy To See Me?

First post of 2017. Frankly, between a stressful 2016 and a bumpy start to 2017 I haven't felt funny. That is, until I wore my new spinning tights for the first time.

Normally I wear a loose fitting style of capri pants with a removable pad that snaps in place. I love them except for the fact that they are not very aerodynamic (because I spin like the wind) and they sometimes twist up a bit. Other than that, I am very comfortable wearing them, both physically and emotionally. I 💜 them.

Cycling tights are interesting. First of all, they are form fitting like no other piece of clothing I have ever worn. My soft butch perpetual weekend look does not include anything that hugs my body. The tights make me a bit self conscious, a feeling that is multiplied by going commando while wearing them.  I walk in such as way so that no one can see my backside. Awkward. I look as though I am line dancing my way to the cycling room.

Second, they have a built in pad. It sort of feels like wearing an adult diaper. Good practice for when I am in the nursing home. Instead of a visible panty line, I now have a bulge protruding from my backside and crotch. The good part is that it prevents any trace of my anatomy from showing. The bad part is it creates a visual that could be disturbing.  

Now the real test. They feel great while sitting on the bike. The pad is a bit bigger than I am used to but it does the trick. I'm thinking a few more adjustments and a built in battery pack and I'm ready to debut a new type of lady workout pants on Shark Tank. More bang for you buck so to speak. 

Perhaps my next purchase will be a pair of cycling shoes so I can clip myself to the pedals, locking myself to the bike until such time when the class ends and I can be rescued by the instructor. Like the wind!

Thursday, November 24, 2016

My Thanksgiving Wish For You

There are so many things for which to be thankful for today. And one thing for which I and so many others are not. If you are still struggling with the results of this past election, here are few things that may help ease your pain.

  1. Meditate: Take some time for you. Find a quiet space, close your eyes, and breath deeply. 
  2. Exercise: Join a gym, go for a walk, move your body. Release that stress! Run as far as you can without stopping, perhaps all the way to Canada.
  3. Get back to nature: Hike the great outdoors. Find two sticks, about 5 inches in length. Now whittle the ends of those sticks into a nice sharp point and push them hard into your ear canal. Ahh...relief from the pain of the past few weeks.
  4. Take up a new hobby such as wine tasting. Buy yourself 7 cases of mixed varieties. Make notes on your favorites.  After the weekend, when you have depleted your stock, head back to the liquor store for 7 more cases and perhaps a wheel of cheese or two.
  5. Read a good book. My new favorites include "50 Turds A Day - Messages From The New Administration", and "Orange Is The New Hack", and "The Fart of The Steal - The Day America Lost Its Soul".
Wishing you all a very happy, safe, and fun filled holiday.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Trashy on Trash Day

In the early post dawn hours, when you think all your neighbors are still in bed, what do you wear to bring out the trash on trash day?

How far will you go? Will you venture down the driveway in your pajamas? In your bathrobe?

Here was my garbage chic inspired outfit for this morning:

So CJ. Who are you wearing? I'm wearing my own design, one that accentuates the incredible bed head I woke up with this morning.

Black slip on shoes, the pair I typically wear to work, accented with red M&M boxers, a flannel shirt (Walmart's best), and a Seahawks* football t-shirt  combined beautifully to create this amazing ensemble.

Neighbors - you are welcome. You all now realize just how good you look today.

For added bonus trashy girl points, we are giving away this gently used suitcase which is your for the taking at the end of the driveway.

*I am totally a Patriot's fan but on a recent trip to Seattle, we picked up Seahawks t's as we needed something to sleep in. Tommy I'm sorry.