Friday, April 12, 2019

To all my friends living in areas where there are windmill farms - please get yourself screened for windmill cancer. I heard the test is a real breeze.

Thursday, April 11, 2019

But Can You Juggle?

Went for a check up last month and found out I'm an inch shorter than I used to be.

Bought new shoes last week and found out I'm half a size bigger than I thought.

Apparently my height is decreasing while my feet are elongating. At this rate I'll eventually be 4 feet tall with size 15 shoes. Add a red nose and a wig and I can spend my golden years as a circus clown.




Monday, February 19, 2018

There's A Draft In Here

Beer tip of the day. A few pints of a nice hoppy IPA followed by spoonfuls of maple pretzel peanut butter, Cheez-Its, and gulps of water may have the following side effects: sleeplessness, headache, nausea, vomiting, and disrupted sleep for other members of the household.

On to more pressing matters, specifically an "Official Summons For Juror Service".

Jury duty equals a day full of anxiety and stress for the following reasons:

  • Courthouses are typically located in areas with limited parking
  • It always seems to fall on a day when there is something important going on at work
  • You are forced to sit for hours in a room full of strangers
  • Raising your hand when you have to pee is embarrassing
  • The worry that the sushi/chicken salad/blue cheese dressing/yogurt you ate the night before was actually a day past its expiration and will be letting you know that very soon
**This post is a draft from a few months back that I never got around to finishing. So here is the update.

Jury duty was easy peasy. A big hint that early dismissal was imminent happened when the clerk informed the jury pool that no judge was available for the standard jury duty pep talk. Shortly thereafter, just as I was settling in to my second episode of Flea Market Flip, we were sent home. It was 9:30am. After surprising my sweetie at her office building and grabbing breakfast, I headed back home where I immediately signed into work. Like an ass. Who does that? Who doesn't take advantage of a free day off from work? I should have headed back to the court house and had myself arrested for being stupid.


Sunday, July 16, 2017

Turning Up The Heat

It is July. Or as we like to call it, one more month to use the pool before it gets too cold in Massachusetts. I like my pool water to be about 89 degrees, more like a big hot tub minus the bubbles. I won't dry dive directly into the pool unless it is at this temp or higher.  Or maybe if I was being chased by zombies. (Assuming zombies can't swim and that chlorine makes their parts fall off).

When I was about 4 years old I dove into the bathtub. It explains a lot I know. There was water in the tub, not that it mattered. It wasn't so much as a swan dive but a head first half jump/half roll into the back ledge. It left me with a nice egg on my forehead and a new appreciation for porcelain.  It was ok however because the water was warm.

You know those people who do polar plunges into the ocean in January? I will never be one of those people. If I were Jack from the Titanic,  I would have clunked Rose over the head with that floating piece of wood and hauled my ass out of that freezing water.

Enjoy your weekend! May your drinks be cold and your water be warm.








Saturday, April 22, 2017

A Limerick For The Fox News Dirty Old Man




My tribute to Bill O:

There once was an old man from Fox news,
who had very conservative views.
He said watch this trick
as he pulled out his ****,
And now he is singing the blues.





Saturday, April 15, 2017

Lessons from the Pulpit

I don't subscribe to any organized religion and the only time I find myself in a church is for a wedding or a funeral. The last couple of days however, I have been listening to snippets of Joel Osteen's radio broadcast. His words can be inspirational even for a heathen like myself. Joel's message seems similar to the law of attraction but with biblical references thrown in. I can almost relate.

Today's talk was about not holding on to anger and bitterness. In order to move forward in life, we can't be carrying around excess emotional baggage. That makes sense to me. Tell me more Joel!

Somebody cut you off on your commute? Drop it, leave it, let it go says Joel. Got your knickers in a twist about something that happened at work? Drop it, leave it, let it go. A friend of yours voted for Trump? Drop it, leave it, let it go. (That last one is my example and personal challenge of late.)

With Joel's sermon fresh on my mind, I pulled into the driveway and walked through the door. The dogs ran over to greet me in their usual manner. And because they missed me so much, they left me a present on the kitchen floor. In order to destroy the evidence, one of our clever little ones walked over to the Yorkie cigar and moved in for a bite. Suddenly the words that had been floating around in my head were now audible. "Drop it, leave it, let it go!"

It worked. Thank you Joel. I may be tuning in more often.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Are Those Your Spin Pants Or Are You Happy To See Me?

First post of 2017. Frankly, between a stressful 2016 and a bumpy start to 2017 I haven't felt funny. That is, until I wore my new spinning tights for the first time.

Normally I wear a loose fitting style of capri pants with a removable pad that snaps in place. I love them except for the fact that they are not very aerodynamic (because I spin like the wind) and they sometimes twist up a bit. Other than that, I am very comfortable wearing them, both physically and emotionally. I 💜 them.

Cycling tights are interesting. First of all, they are form fitting like no other piece of clothing I have ever worn. My soft butch perpetual weekend look does not include anything that hugs my body. The tights make me a bit self conscious, a feeling that is multiplied by going commando while wearing them.  I walk in such as way so that no one can see my backside. Awkward. I look as though I am line dancing my way to the cycling room.

Second, they have a built in pad. It sort of feels like wearing an adult diaper. Good practice for when I am in the nursing home. Instead of a visible panty line, I now have a bulge protruding from my backside and crotch. The good part is that it prevents any trace of my anatomy from showing. The bad part is it creates a visual that could be disturbing.  

Now the real test. They feel great while sitting on the bike. The pad is a bit bigger than I am used to but it does the trick. I'm thinking a few more adjustments and a built in battery pack and I'm ready to debut a new type of lady workout pants on Shark Tank. More bang for you buck so to speak. 

Perhaps my next purchase will be a pair of cycling shoes so I can clip myself to the pedals, locking myself to the bike until such time when the class ends and I can be rescued by the instructor. Like the wind!