Saturday, October 4, 2014

From Your Bowels To My Front Yard


Why oh why do I feel compelled to look under the lid of the septic? I should have learned my lesson the last time it was pumped. But no, I had to stand around and watch the whole process again. And by the time the nice young man with the brown stains on his jeans had just about vacuumed it dry and refilled it with water for a second pumping, I was almost dry heaving on the lawn.

And the whole time I kept thinking, what if I drop something in there that needs to be retrieved? What if I tripped and fell into Lake Poopiecaca? Is that stench really not the septic at all and actually the result of my not having showered yet?

Friday, October 3, 2014

It's Not Fair!

You would think riding down the giant slide with Stiffy would be more dangerous than walking, given her twisted position on that burlap sack and our hand holding technique.



However, I find walking to be quite treacherous, especially when there are no obstacles in my path. Thank goodness there was a first aid office at the fair grounds.




Thursday, August 21, 2014

Why You May Not Want to Invite Me To Your Next Tupperware Party

Is there a name for those parties where a product line is demonstrated and then folks have the opportunity to purchase items? I love those parties. But you may not want to invite me to your next one for the following reasons:

  • Are you going to have lots of tasty snacks? Yes? Great. Because I don't cook. And since these parties tend to be held on a Sunday afternoon sometime between lunch and dinner, I will be starving and hit your cheese and cracker platter like I am going to the electric chair.
  • Will there be some sort of punch with a kick? Or wine? No worries if there isn't any. I will bring my own. Back to the timing of these parties - what better way to not let your Sunday spoil your Monday than to get your drink on.
  • This is the reason you will want me to attend. See that bullet above? Because of that punch or wine I will buy a lot of product. And by a lot, I mean half the catalog. I love live demos, newfangled gadgets, and anything that makes my life easier. Bring it!
I went to a cleaning product party last Sunday. Come Monday, I had gained five pounds, had a hangover, and was eagerly awaiting my order of every item on pages 1 - 27.

I look forward to your invitation with bated breath and check book in hand.


Friday, August 8, 2014

You Are Sunk

I was just out skimming the pool, thinking how horrible it would be if I fell in because it has been less than 30 minutes since I ate those crackers.

Growing up in the 70's I was never told by my parents to wear a bike helmet or to use sunblock. What I did learn however, were the dangers of swimming, either in a pool or the ocean, without waiting 30 minutes after eating.

Apparently several things can happen if you do not obey this law of nature.

  1. You will immediately sink to the bottom with no chance of survival.
  2. You will be able to swim fine for the first minute or so, but shortly thereafter cramp up so bad that you will sink to the bottom. Again, with no chance of survival.
  3. Your tunafish sandwich will decide to "repeat" on you, travel up your esophagus, spill over into your windpipe,  and choke the living shit out of you until you sink to the bottom.  NCOS. 
  4. You will suffer a gas pain so debilitating that you will fold over in two like a clothespin, lose all sense of direction, and sink to the bottom. NCOS.
  5. You will have a toilet emergency, fall off the ladder trying to run out of the pool, hit your head, and sink to the bottom. NCOS.
Now get out there and enjoy the summer weather. Oh, and don't forget to use the footpan* to wash the grass off your feet before entering the pool.

*You know, the footpan. That old dishpan your parents would drag out from the kitchen, fill with water, and place in front to the ladder so you could wash your feet before hopping in.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Hello Sucker!

When my friend Stiffy purchased her super-duper vacuum cleaner, she had no idea it doubled as a wet vac.  But thanks to her son using it to vacuum vomit off the carpet, Stiffy now has a whole new appreciation for her upright.

I envision a new marketing campaign. "If you chuck it, we can suck it" sounds like a clever catch phrase to me. How about "Don't use your scarf, hoover that barf".  Or maybe "Don't worry girl, we got that hurl". 

For those of you brave enough to look, the picture is below. However you look at it, it really sucks.









Wednesday, August 6, 2014

For Sale: One Pair Of Gently Used Dentures

Irene, my 89 year old mother, is convinced that she sold her teeth. I don't know if it is like buying a new car where you trade in your old set of wheels (or in this case molars) for a newer model but apparently the sales transaction happened recently at the nursing home in which Irene resides.

I have a few questions. 

Is there a lemon law? That is, if the choppers do not chew as described on the bill of sale or if the teeth literally have lemon stuck in them, can the buyer return them for a full refund?

Is there an extended warranty policy available? Or does the standard 3 years/36,000 meals guarantee apply?

Do you need to disclose if they have been involved in an accident or if the mouth has been somewhere it should not have been? (Please - I mean no disrespect and I'm sure this is NOT the case with Irene's teeth. But one should always check this out.)

I hope the purchaser took them out for a test snack, kicked the incisors, and got a good deal for their trade.

Anyone out there need a hammer toe? My mom can hook you up. Cheap.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Cheap Sunglasses

Here's a money saving tip. I'll preface this advice by telling you that I am tight as wallpaper.

If you wear glasses, it can be very costly to buy both regular glasses and sunglasses. So next time you are at the opthamologist, ask for a pair of those plastic sun blocker inserts. You know, the ones that look like this:


I use mine in the car all the time. You'll know if you ever forgot to remove the inserts by the looks you will get as you are walking down the street. I may look like I have an extra set of very bushy eyebrows but I don't care!  And neither will you when you realize the money you have just saved.