Sunday, November 23, 2014

I Will Break The Seal


Sealed for my protection? That's great. Thank you for doing that. I'll just peel the paper right off and pop a couple of these fish oil pills. After all, have to keep that good cholesterol level going strong.


Oops. Looks like that didn't work. Gosh darn it all. I'm tired, had a few beers, and all I really want to do is take these pills and hit the rack. What to do, what to do? Tweezers! Tweezers will work.  I'll just make a nice little hole in the middle and pull from there.



Or maybe I'll just rip the shit out of this seal for giving me such a freaking hassle at bed time.  A sealed lid, under which the pills hid, should not mess with this tired kid. Sleep tight!


Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Your GPS Hates Boston


Driving around the suburbs of Boston last night, I remembered why I wanted to move to western Massachusetts and get the heck out of the city.  Please see above picture. That is what your GPS route will look like if you try to navigate from Waltham to Newton and then to the Mass Pike.

And this is how your GPS will sound:

  • In 500 feet, prepare to keep right.
  • Change of plans, prepare to keep left.
  • Shit. Left lane has suddenly disappeared off the satellite. Just keep going straight.
  • In 2 miles, prepare to exit the highway at Exit 22, 23, 24 to Route 90 Mass Pike westbound.
  • Did I mention it is a left lane exit and you are in a right turn only lane?
  • Where the fuck did the exit go? Route re-calculation.
  • Accident reported ahead. Estimated delay of 4 hours.
  • You look like you have to pee. Shall I find a rest stop?
  • Why are you crying?
  • I told you not to drive home at night in the rain from Boston.
  • What did you call me?







Monday, November 17, 2014

Bathroom Art

And the winner for best sanitary product dispenser decoupage is:



Hmmm. Do I want a napkin, a tampon, or a garden?  I'm wondering what's on the condom dispenser in the men's room. Bags of fertilizer?

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Stiffy vs The Shredder

My pal Stiffy is a take charge kind of gal. She doesn't let anything impede her forward progress, including office equipment malfunctions. When this pesky paper shredder jammed up the other day, Stiffy took action to show it who's boss.

First, she skipped the #1 universal law of unplugging something that uses moving razor sharp blades as part of its core functionality. To save time she also skipped the #2 universal law of do not stick metal objects (in this case scissors) into anything that is still plugged in.


The shredder was apparently agitated with this action as it quickly grabbed the scissors in retaliation. The scissors put up a valiant fight, pushing the stuck paper out of harms way, even as the blades kept whirling. When all was said and done, the jam was cleared, the shredder did not break, and Stiffy did not get electrocuted. The scissors however, did not fare as well.




Saturday, November 15, 2014

Mass Interstate Toilet Etiquette. It's The Law!


Wow. This really put a damper on my bathroom stall plans. After cleaning up with some wipes, I had hoped to wash my hair, get rid of some expired aspirin, dispose of that bacon grease I had been carrying around in my jacket pocket for weeks, and finally say goodbye to the boxes of books I had in my trunk.

But seriously, I don't think this bathroom edict goes far enough. I would add other items one may have in the car and want to toss at the interstate rest stop toilet area.  These items include cigarette  butts, vodka bottles, chatty passengers, pizza boxes, old lottery tickets, and ex-husbands (I threw that one if for my pal Stiffy).

So remember, when you stop to relieve yourself in Massachusetts, you can park your ass but don't flush your trash.


Saturday, October 4, 2014

From Your Bowels To My Front Yard


Why oh why do I feel compelled to look under the lid of the septic? I should have learned my lesson the last time it was pumped. But no, I had to stand around and watch the whole process again. And by the time the nice young man with the brown stains on his jeans had just about vacuumed it dry and refilled it with water for a second pumping, I was almost dry heaving on the lawn.

And the whole time I kept thinking, what if I drop something in there that needs to be retrieved? What if I tripped and fell into Lake Poopiecaca? Is that stench really not the septic at all and actually the result of my not having showered yet?

Friday, October 3, 2014

It's Not Fair!

You would think riding down the giant slide with Stiffy would be more dangerous than walking, given her twisted position on that burlap sack and our hand holding technique.



However, I find walking to be quite treacherous, especially when there are no obstacles in my path. Thank goodness there was a first aid office at the fair grounds.