Thursday, November 19, 2015

No Toilet? No Worries.

I saw a commercial today for a prescription medication that treats the symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome. Among those symptoms - URGENT DIARRHEA. 

Which begs the following question. Is there anything such as non-urgent diarrhea? 

"Hey don't worry about me. I've got knee buckling stomach pain and burning flatulence from that street taco I just ate. But it's no problem because I have non-ugrent diarrhea. It can wait."

Non-urgent diarrhea is the distant cousin painless gum grafting. Not that I would know.  I've had neither. 

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Feeling Blue In Massachusetts

Meanwhile back in western Massachusetts....

I believe this rubber object is supposed to represent male genitalia. I say this with some uncertainty for a couple of reasons. 

  • I'm pretty sure they are not usually blue unless they are on the verge of exploding. This set did not explode the whole time I was watching them.
  • This thing looks dirty and stretched out, like it has been around the block and broken a few times. 
  • It moved freely, swinging from left to right and back again, almost like it had a mind of its own.
  • It was attached to something even more unattractive than itself.
Wait a minute, I think I just answered my own question. 

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Adventures in Gum Grafting Day 4

I skipped my Day 3 update. I was just too whiney. My mouth felt like the Chicopee Landfill.

In case you are interested or are considering having this procedure, here is my status for today:

  • Still feeling pretty tired on day 4 post procedure. I'm not sure if this is due to the pain meds or just a normal part of the healing process
  • Although it's ok at this point to chew soft foods on my good side, I continue to stick with foods that I can just swallow down like yogurt, protein shakes, and baby food. Chewing scares me.
  • I wake up to find that there is still some bleeding during the night. Now that Halloween has come and gone that shit can stop. Vampire season is over.
  • I haven't washed my hair since the day of the procedure. I have an irrational fear that scrubbing my head will somehow loosen the stitches in my mouth.
  • I may actually get out of the house today! 
Thanks for reading. I hope everyone has a wonderful rest of the day!

Friday, October 30, 2015

Adventures in Gum Grafting Day 2

You know what is quite tasty? Baby food. It would be even better  if it was available in birthday cake, sharp cheddar, or pancake flavors.

I had my gum graft surgery yesterday morning and although I felt a little uncomfortable when I first got up, I'm still managing comfortably with the 600mg of ibuprofen.

I'm hungry and a bit terrified to open my mouth wide enough to chew with my good side. I've been sticking with protein shakes and baby food. I'm playing it safe. Rest assured however, when my mouth is completely healed I will be eating a large tuna sub with a bag of chips and chasing it all down with a pound of peanut M&Ms.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Adventure In Gum Grafting Day 1

Here's what your shopping cart may look like if you ever undergo a gingival graft procedure. I had mine just about 8 hours ago. It was a connective-tissue graft, the process in which they cut a flap in the roof of our mouth, harvest tissue from under the flap, stitch the flap shut, and then stitch the harvested tissue to the area of the gum that has receded. Fun!

The 7 shots of novocaine seemed to have worked as the procedure itself was not very painful. I was sent home with prescription strength Motrin , antibiotics, and Vicodin. As you can probably guess by my ability to type this post, I have not taken anything but the Motrin and the antibiotic.

I've been told the pain and discomfort gets worse at night. I may bring out the big guns at that point so I can get some sleep. And since I'm not suppose to lay on the side of my face, the recliner in the living room is going to be my bed, at least for tonight.

Part 2 to follow! 

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Pumpkin Spice and Personal Hygiene

I may have been exaggerating slightly when I told my one of my besties that there was such a thing as pumpkin spice tampons. I laughed so hard at her response however, that I had to change my pumpkin spice panty liner.

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Alcohol + FB = Trouble

So I may have had a few drinks and the casino in Connecticut last week and I may have posted something on Facebook that mentioned people that direct the smoke from their cigarette or cigar directly into your face are dicks. I also commented on a news article about requiring student driver vehicles to be clearly marked as such. My well thought out comment? "Stupid Idea."

FBI, also known as Facebooking While Intoxicated, is a very dangerous thing. How many times have you woken up, frantically searched for your phone, and signed into your account only to find your status reads "My ex's new girlfriend is a total bitch", "I want to hump my next door neighbor behind the shed",  "I'm quitting sniffing glue right after the weekend", or "Look at my great new kitten tattoo!"

Please people, let's be there for one another when friends are in the midst of committing an FBI. A quick text, a message on FB, or a phone call can save your friend hours or perhaps days and months of embarrassment. Let's hope anyone that reads this blog will not have to endure the repercussions of an FBI. But if you do, I promise to only laugh a little before pretending I have no idea who you are.