Friday, June 17, 2016

Trashy on Trash Day

In the early post dawn hours, when you think all your neighbors are still in bed, what do you wear to bring out the trash on trash day?

How far will you go? Will you venture down the driveway in your pajamas? In your bathrobe?

Here was my garbage chic inspired outfit for this morning:

So CJ. Who are you wearing? I'm wearing my own design, one that accentuates the incredible bed head I woke up with this morning.

Black slip on shoes, the pair I typically wear to work, accented with red M&M boxers, a flannel shirt (Walmart's best), and a Seahawks* football t-shirt  combined beautifully to create this amazing ensemble.

Neighbors - you are welcome. You all now realize just how good you look today.

For added bonus trashy girl points, we are giving away this gently used suitcase which is your for the taking at the end of the driveway.

*I am totally a Patriot's fan but on a recent trip to Seattle, we picked up Seahawks t's as we needed something to sleep in. Tommy I'm sorry.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Now Boarding Rows 1 Through 10. Is There Room For Your Carry On?

Here's an interesting texting typo I created last week:

And if airline seats get any smaller, I can see this being an actual problem. Can you imagine? I'm sorry ma'am, but there is no way both of you can seat in one seat. You will have to purchase an additional ticket for "her".

What would happen then? Would she want the window or middle seat? That's assuming she would even want to sit next to me. I mean, we are together 24/7 so she may want a little alone time, out in the open air, where she is free of any restraint.

And what if she is chatty, flapping her lips the whole time? I'm not a big talker when I travel, preferring instead to bury my head in a magazine so I can take my mind off the flight and enjoy my Ativan.

I imagine the conversation going as such:

She:  I hate that bike seat at spin class. You have no idea what it's like.
Me:  Spin class is only 50 minutes. You can handle it. I bought you padded shorts. Those weren't
         cheap you know.
She:  What do you think of this look? [points to picture from a glamour magazine]
Me:  Absolutely not. No pompadours. I don't care how popular they are. Why did you hit the call
She: I 'm cold. I want a blanket and a snack. Maybe some cheese and crackers and a glass of wine.
Me:  No wine! You know how you get after a few drinks.
She:  Zip it. You're not the boss of me.
Me:  You zip it!
She:  Ok, you asked for it.
Me:  I was only kidding! Wait!

Lesson learned. Always board the plane in time to make room for your carry-on, whatever that may be.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

How To Ace Your Annual Employee Review

If you work for an organization that has a fiscal year starting July 1, you may be preparing for your annual merit review. Sometimes this process is accompanied by the "pre-review"  questionnaire where you write down all the great things you did during the year. It usually starts off something like this: "Highlight your major accomplishments for the 2016 fiscal year. Please include specific references to each time you restrained yourself from choking the living shit out of a co-worker."

I believe the pre-review is an outdated method of accurately accessing an employee's accomplishments. Therefore I would like to propose that from now on, the employee pre-review consists entirely of interpretive dance, performed while wearing an unitard, set to a Mongolian throat singing soundtrack.

Sound good? Great. Now get practicing!

Thursday, November 19, 2015

No Toilet? No Worries.

I saw a commercial today for a prescription medication that treats the symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome. Among those symptoms - URGENT DIARRHEA. 

Which begs the following question. Is there anything such as non-urgent diarrhea? 

"Hey don't worry about me. I've got knee buckling stomach pain and burning flatulence from that street taco I just ate. But it's no problem because I have non-ugrent diarrhea. It can wait."

Non-urgent diarrhea is the distant cousin painless gum grafting. Not that I would know.  I've had neither. 

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Feeling Blue In Massachusetts

Meanwhile back in western Massachusetts....

I believe this rubber object is supposed to represent male genitalia. I say this with some uncertainty for a couple of reasons. 

  • I'm pretty sure they are not usually blue unless they are on the verge of exploding. This set did not explode the whole time I was watching them.
  • This thing looks dirty and stretched out, like it has been around the block and broken a few times. 
  • It moved freely, swinging from left to right and back again, almost like it had a mind of its own.
  • It was attached to something even more unattractive than itself.
Wait a minute, I think I just answered my own question. 

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Adventures in Gum Grafting Day 4

I skipped my Day 3 update. I was just too whiney. My mouth felt like the Chicopee Landfill.

In case you are interested or are considering having this procedure, here is my status for today:

  • Still feeling pretty tired on day 4 post procedure. I'm not sure if this is due to the pain meds or just a normal part of the healing process
  • Although it's ok at this point to chew soft foods on my good side, I continue to stick with foods that I can just swallow down like yogurt, protein shakes, and baby food. Chewing scares me.
  • I wake up to find that there is still some bleeding during the night. Now that Halloween has come and gone that shit can stop. Vampire season is over.
  • I haven't washed my hair since the day of the procedure. I have an irrational fear that scrubbing my head will somehow loosen the stitches in my mouth.
  • I may actually get out of the house today! 
Thanks for reading. I hope everyone has a wonderful rest of the day!

Friday, October 30, 2015

Adventures in Gum Grafting Day 2

You know what is quite tasty? Baby food. It would be even better  if it was available in birthday cake, sharp cheddar, or pancake flavors.

I had my gum graft surgery yesterday morning and although I felt a little uncomfortable when I first got up, I'm still managing comfortably with the 600mg of ibuprofen.

I'm hungry and a bit terrified to open my mouth wide enough to chew with my good side. I've been sticking with protein shakes and baby food. I'm playing it safe. Rest assured however, when my mouth is completely healed I will be eating a large tuna sub with a bag of chips and chasing it all down with a pound of peanut M&Ms.