Monday, May 25, 2015

Things To Think About On Your Drive To Work


Thoughts that run through my head during my very long commute to work.

  • I really shouldn't have bought that coffee at the start of my commute.
  • How much pee does a medium size Dunkin' Donuts cup hold and can anyone see me if I crouch down in the back seat? Would I get my pants leg wet?
  • Shit. I forgot to put on deodorant. I think.
  • Why is that asshole driving so fast?
  • Why is that asshole driving so slow?
  • If I throw this fingernail out the window, will people think I 'm littering?
  • Are low fat muffins really low fat? 
  • What can I blow my nose in?
  • Every story on CNN is breaking news.
  • I should have worn thinner socks today.
  • Is it possible to get a sunburn through a car window? 
  • What the hell was that before it got run over by a semi? People in other parts of the country would eat that.
  • Did I just pass a state trooper? Or as we say here, a "Statie". Also known as a "Troopah". 

The Dedication of Martini Cartwheels

My Mother, who was this inspiration for many of the posts on this blog, passed away peacefully on May 7, 2015. She was 90 years old.

Irene had a silly side and I would love to try to make her laugh. I can hear her voice in my head, clear as day, saying what she would often proclaim when I made a funny face or said something inappropriate. "You're a nut Cathy."

For all the inspiration, stories, and smiles you have provided me and those that have read the posts, this blog, in all its silliness, is dedicated to you Irene.


Sunday, April 12, 2015

Tracking Myself

The new fitness tracker I ordered in January finally arrived last week. This model is wicked pissah cool because 1) it's plum/purplely in color and 2) it tracks heart rate.

Heart rate tracking is a necessity. Oh sure, calories burned, flights of stairs climbed, steps taken - all important. But how else do you know you are alive other than your heart rate. You could be wearing your tracker and be pushed down a flight of stairs. You'll get the credit for that flight, but at the end of the day, who cares if you are not conscious and/or alive to brag about it.

Have you ever been in a really long boring meeting at work? And you've said to yourself "Aghh! This meeting is killing me!" ? Well, now you can know for sure. If you are looking at your tracker and see your heart rate starting to fall to say 25 beats per minute or so, you better move your arse out of that chair and get the hell out of the room. Because yes, that meeting is definitely killing you.

The opposite holds true on your morning commute. When you see your heart rate soar to 250, you know it's time to pull off at the nearest rest stop for a Dunkies iced coffee. Decaf would most likely be the best choice in this situation.


Right now I'm calm as a cucumber. Even after running up the stairs to get my phone, I'm in the zone baby. Either that, or my tracker is flirting with me.








Saturday, April 11, 2015

I Recall, Junk Food Does Not

Let's see here. Thinking, thinking….

Do I want the recalled hummus or do I prefer the recalled organic frozen food entree with the spinach? That would depend on how I like my Listeria monocytogenes. Hot or cold?

The food shown on the left is sitting in the pantry right now. It does not need refrigeration and it will last for at least a year. I mean, of course it will be gone within a week or two, but theoretically it could last a long time.  More importantly, it does not contain any rod shaped bacterium that will induce sepsis upon ingestion. It contains sugar which will make me quite happy and high for 20 minutes, followed by an emotional crash and an inch of fat jumping on to my ass. 

The point being, junk food does not get recalled. Plus it was all buy one get one after Easter. We're smart shoppers in this household.



To be clear, I don't eat junk food all the time. I work out and try to live a somewhat healthy lifestyle. I even used to own a juicer. I gave it away though as the wrappers kept clogging up the pulp filter.

Have a happy, healthy Saturday :)


Saturday, January 31, 2015

If You Think It, It Must Be

Have you ever tried using positive psychology on yourself when you are in an uncomfortable situation? For example, when stuck in traffic during the work commute do you ever say either aloud or in your head "I love my job, I love my job" ?

Prior to the snownami we were supposed to have last week we were in BJ's Wholesale Club picking up some extra supplies. You know, important stuff like 100 rolls of toilet paper, 10 packs of deodorant, and 120 ounce bottles of body lotion. Needless to say everyone else in western Massachusetts had the same idea. The store was packed. The checkout lines weaved around the registrars and down the aisles.

There I was trying to convince myself that it wasn't crowded, that the lines would move quickly, and that the urge to strangle people was only temporary. And in my head I heard "I love BJ's, I love BJ's". Positive psychology is a bunch of bullshit isn't it?

Friday, January 2, 2015

Plug This

I have too many cords. There's the cord to charge my personal laptop and the cord to charge my work laptop. There's a cord for my iPhone and one for my iPad. There's a cord for the keyboard that works with the iPad. There's a cord for the e-reader. There's a cord to charge the phone in the car. The cord for my new iPhone does not match the cord for my old iPhone. Same for the iPad. Add two more. You're getting my drift. And right about now you are wishing you could unplug me.

Below is the new and more descriptive definition of "cord":


Cord

/kôrd/

noun

1. A string like object encased in a plastic that houses electrical wires used for charging all your must have devices. Cords are many times unique to the object for which they were designed. Therefore, your typical household will accumulate 7000 to 10,000 cords over the span of five years. Cords have the ability to form complicated twists, turns, and knots with themselves and other cords if placed in a drawer overnight. Cords also have exceptional timing and will hide themselves right before you need them, especially if you are running late to work or an appointment. Cords mock you when you are not looking. They know that without them, you cannot power your FaceBook, Twitter, and Pintrest addictions. They are also aware that you will never dispose of them. Because at some point after they have outlived their usefulness, you will move them to a plastic storage bin where they will live in your attic or cellar for the duration of time. 

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Yes, But Emotionally I'm Only Twelve

Don’t you hate when someone asks you to guess how old she is? In my head I’m thinking “I don’t know. Eighty, eighty-five? You had 7 kids. And it shows.” My filter then engages and I give my best lowball guess.

When someone asks me how old I am and I tell them that I turned fifty a few months back, I usually get a “No way! I would have said you are _____!”. That makes me happy. Except when they fill in the blank with a stupid number like 45. Because if you are going to tell me that I don’t look my age, don’t tell me I look my age minus five years. That’s a back-handed compliment. It’s similar to when you say you like my haircut and then tell me you had the same style - in 1987. Nice, real nice. And stop staring at my argyle sweater.

Please remember that fifty is the new forty, forty is the new thirty, thirty is the new twenty. And if you are ten, you have not actually been born yet so stop whining about everything. You’ll get your chance soon enough.