Friday, August 8, 2014

You Are Sunk

I was just out skimming the pool, thinking how horrible it would be if I fell in because it has been less than 30 minutes since I ate those crackers.

Growing up in the 70's I was never told by my parents to wear a bike helmet or to use sunblock. What I did learn however, were the dangers of swimming, either in a pool or the ocean, without waiting 30 minutes after eating.

Apparently several things can happen if you do not obey this law of nature.

  1. You will immediately sink to the bottom with no chance of survival.
  2. You will be able to swim fine for the first minute or so, but shortly thereafter cramp up so bad that you will sink to the bottom. Again, with no chance of survival.
  3. Your tunafish sandwich will decide to "repeat" on you, travel up your esophagus, spill over into your windpipe,  and choke the living shit out of you until you sink to the bottom.  NCOS. 
  4. You will suffer a gas pain so debilitating that you will fold over in two like a clothespin, lose all sense of direction, and sink to the bottom. NCOS.
  5. You will have a toilet emergency, fall off the ladder trying to run out of the pool, hit your head, and sink to the bottom. NCOS.
Now get out there and enjoy the summer weather. Oh, and don't forget to use the footpan* to wash the grass off your feet before entering the pool.

*You know, the footpan. That old dishpan your parents would drag out from the kitchen, fill with water, and place in front to the ladder so you could wash your feet before hopping in.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Hello Sucker!

When my friend Stiffy purchased her super-duper vacuum cleaner, she had no idea it doubled as a wet vac.  But thanks to her son using it to vacuum vomit off the carpet, Stiffy now has a whole new appreciation for her upright.

I envision a new marketing campaign. "If you chuck it, we can suck it" sounds like a clever catch phrase to me. How about "Don't use your scarf, hoover that barf".  Or maybe "Don't worry girl, we got that hurl". 

For those of you brave enough to look, the picture is below. However you look at it, it really sucks.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

For Sale: One Pair Of Gently Used Dentures

Irene, my 89 year old mother, is convinced that she sold her teeth. I don't know if it is like buying a new car where you trade in your old set of wheels (or in this case molars) for a newer model but apparently the sales transaction happened recently at the nursing home in which Irene resides.

I have a few questions. 

Is there a lemon law? That is, if the choppers do not chew as described on the bill of sale or if the teeth literally have lemon stuck in them, can the buyer return them for a full refund?

Is there an extended warranty policy available? Or does the standard 3 years/36,000 meals guarantee apply?

Do you need to disclose if they have been involved in an accident or if the mouth has been somewhere it should not have been? (Please - I mean no disrespect and I'm sure this is NOT the case with Irene's teeth. But one should always check this out.)

I hope the purchaser took them out for a test snack, kicked the incisors, and got a good deal for their trade.

Anyone out there need a hammer toe? My mom can hook you up. Cheap.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Cheap Sunglasses

Here's a money saving tip. I'll preface this advice by telling you that I am tight as wallpaper.

If you wear glasses, it can be very costly to buy both regular glasses and sunglasses. So next time you are at the opthamologist, ask for a pair of those plastic sun blocker inserts. You know, the ones that look like this:

I use mine in the car all the time. You'll know if you ever forgot to remove the inserts by the looks you will get as you are walking down the street. I may look like I have an extra set of very bushy eyebrows but I don't care!  And neither will you when you realize the money you have just saved.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Truth in Advertising

I was browsing an SPF clothing catalog the other day when I came across this photo. I don't know about you, but I'm quickly losing confidence in this product. You better get that arm checked lady.

Using that photo to sell SPF products is like using this picture to sell toothpaste:

Here's a product that knows how to sell itself however. Beaver Butter. Enough said.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Avoid The Downward Dog In The Aisle

Can we talk about yoga pants? Did they suddenly become the pants in which to travel when you are jetting across the friendly blue skies?

On a recent flight to Las Vegas I noticed that many women were wearing yoga pants - young women, old women, fit women, not so fit women. And in my humble opinion, this is not a great look when traveling. I think yoga pants do look good in certain situations,  like when you are doing yoga for example.  But that's about it.

Some people wear them too tight. I don't want to be that familiar with a friend's anatomy, never mind a total stranger's.  Some people wear them too loose, which makes them look like a big black diaper.

If I owned an airline there would not only be a baggage fee but also a yoga pants fee. The cost would be $25 for each person in your party wearing them. And everyone would have to step on the luggage scale. Those with a BMI greater than 24.9 or less than 18.5 would be charged an additional $10.00 for every 5 points they are over or under. And my slogan? "Martini Cartwheel Air - It's no farce. We really don't want to see your arse."

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Tooth Be Told

We keep getting a bill for $1.00 from the Jesus dentist in Ludlow. I call him the Jesus dentist because he has a a picture of Jesus on the sign outside the office.

About few years ago, Blondie went to him for a routine visit. After they hygienist said all looked well, the dentist came in and said she need 5 fillings replaced. A second opinion and 6 years later, the original fillings are still in and all is well. Hmmmm.

About a year and a half ago, the bills for $1.00 started to arrive. Month after month, I get this bill, I rip it up, and I throw it in the trash. Jesus dentist has spent more on postage then on the actual bill.  I'm at the point where I may I set up my own payment plans, 1 penny at a time.

Don't be fooled by dentists with similar tactics. If they have a picture of a saint, a leprechaun, or a giant molar it could be trouble. You go in for a cleaning and the next thing you know you are paying for a full set of dentures. I speak the tooth.