Martini Cartwheels

A continuing series of discussions with my 84 year old Mother Irene. Don't ever discuss hearing issues with your elderly parents. Trust me on this one. Apparently my sister has a low voice and that's why Irene cannot hear her very well (translation - at all). And the doorbell? Well, that's because of the new screen door. And despite the fact that the television volume is loud enough so that the people in the next town over know what my mother is watching, that really isn't an issue either. Irene: "Have you ever notice that your sister has a very low voice?" CJ: "No I haven't." Irene: "You know, I don't need my glasses to hear the TV." Funny, neither to I.

A continuing series of quotes and conversations with my 84 year old Mother Irene. I rarely used to drink vodka. Lately however, my drink of choice has been Three Olives Grape, Bubble, or Pomegranate flavored vodka. So when my Mother asked me what she could buy me for Christmas (in addition to what she had already bought) I thought a bottle of Three Olives Root Beer would be easy and inexpensive. Maybe not. When I spoke with my sister today, she informed me Irene had told her the following: Irene: "I need to buy two bottles of Grey Goose. One for is for Cathy. She wants turkey flavored vodka." I imagine it is delicious straight up with a splash of cranberry, especially if it is leftover from the night before.

A continuing series of conversations with my 84 year old Mother. On the phone, while I was driving home from work, my Mother explained to me what she would do if Tiger were her husband: "I'd say come on honey, let's go to bed. Then I would take a match to his balls and put a cigarette lighter up his rear. That would curb his urge for a while because he would have a burned rear and burned balls." Lovely.

Talked to my 84 year old mother this morning. When I asked her what she was doing, I got the following response: "I'm doing a big load. Of laundry, not shit." Good to know.

Things today that made me feel old: I received a text at 6:30pm for an invite over to some friend's house for martinis and a bonfire. I said no - I still had to take a shower and by then it would be too late . When I attempted to shave my armpits, I couldn't see them. They live too close to my face and can't be moved forward and backward like a menu. I worked in the yard all afternoon. And now I need a case of IcyHot. I opened a bottle of red wine instead of a beer. I'm really looking forward to going to bed.

Yes, that is a pat of butter, sitting on a paper doily, next to two rolls and the rest of my mother Irene's unfinished lunch. The crackers can't be seen because they are in her pocketbook. Irene lives with my sister and her husband in a beautiful brand new house. The refrigerator is always stocked. And so is the desk drawer in my Mother's bedroom. Yesterday I saw several left over chocolate chip cookies in there which I'm sure were from her lunch at the adult day care she attends two days a week. Irene hates wasting any food. Growing up during the depression, food was not as plentiful as it should have been for Irene, her sister, and her mother (my grandmother). My grandfather passed before the age of 30, and times were tough for a while. It's something Irene still lives with today. So even though I smile to myself a bit when Irene starts loading the take away container, I am quick to offer up anything I see on the table that is not nailed down. You never know when ...

Today is Friday. Which means I am off from work and I will more than likely be paying my 83 year old mother a visit. She usually calls around 10:00 AM. I answer the phone and the voice on the other end says "I'm ready". Ok, good to know. I'll be ready in 3 hours and be right over. Then there's the quarters. My mother seems to have gotten the impression that I collect state quarters. She'll hand me over three or four that she has put aside for me. "You must be getting close to having all 52", she'll say, while the whole time I'm thinking about how many minutes I can get in a parking meter for 75 cents. Yes, close to getting all 52 - they must have added a couple of states when I wasn't looking. And of course there will be the rolls of regular quarters for which we will have to go to the bank window so we can cash them in. Last visit she had only one roll but it was enough to merit a trip to the teller. I'm not sure what is on our agend...

Like a lot of people her age, my mother often feels chilly. So, my family bought her a fleece warm-up jacket for Christmas to help keep her warm around the house. A typical phone conversation with my mother goes like this: Irene: It's cold in the house today. CJ : Why don't you put on that fleece jacket we gave you. That will keep you warm. Irene: I don't want to wreck it. I'm saving it for best. CJ : How are you going to wreck it? We'll buy you another one if you spill something on it. Irene: I had a big lunch today. I was driving home from work one evening this week, thinking about an errand I had to do and how it was going to be cold out. Then I remembered my nieces had bought me a Springfield College hooded sweatshirt for Christmas that I had not worn yet. Because I did not want to wreck it. It's white and I am afraid I will spill something on it so I'm saving it for some unknown occasion. Oh shit.

I now understand the origins of my tripokluzomania . The other night, my 82 year old Mother decided to do a triple Salchow on her way to the bathroom at 3:00am, fell down, and fractured her hip. I spent most of yesterday visiting her at Mercy Hospital, where she is now recovering from hip surgery. I inquired as to what her next trick might be, but she did not seem to think that was funny. Apparently, I did not inherit my sense of humor from her, only my knack for tripping at the drop of a hat. So, I'm off once again to check in on Mom. Hopefully the happy drugs have kicked in and I can get her to smile a bit. I'm thinking tonight is going to be a good night for a martini.