1. Secure yourself good parking by circling the mall chanting "Parking Mojo, Parking Mojo." This will help you to find a spot close to an entrance. Keep your middle finger at the ready just in case. Mall parking knows no holiday spirit.
2. Once inside, head right to one of the large department stores. It's pretty much a given that they will be having sales on everything from kitchen products to sweaters. Then convince yourself that you have found the perfect gift, even if you know it is something the recipient won't really like. They are lucky you are buying them anything.
3. Take your purchases and yourself to the nearest restaurant in the mall. Belly up to the bar, throw your bags on the floor and order a tall one. This is your gift to yourself for venturing out to the mall when you could have just been relaxing on the couch. The taller the beer, the better the shopping experience.
Hey I got a shout out from my buddy Solo who is the creator of one of my favorite blogs in the blogosphere, SoloHomo. Solo has a way of making people feel inspired and excited about life and the world around us. And her heart is as big as her home state of Texas.
It's always such an honor to get a mention from one of you. I so appreciate all the wonderful friends I have made since I started this blog. You all hold a very special place in my heart and not a day goes by that I am not thankful for meeting you all. Everyone one of you has made me think, laugh, and/or cry at some point. My life is better because of you all.
I want to pass this award onto Chewy at The Back Of My Headboard, another one of my favorites. Chewy was the first person to ever comment on my blog back in June of 2007. Her beautiful and creative art work has really opened up my eyes to the way a picture can make you feel and think. She too has been a great source of inspiration to keep on blogging.
I want to wish everyone a very Happy Holiday Season and a Happy and Joyful Peaceful New Year. Enjoy and be Merry!
I worked from home today. Working from home is great because you get the chance to do things you wouldn't be able to do at the office, such as throwing in a load of laundry. Or talking to a co-worker while sitting at your desk topless.
I was trying a shirt on for size (in the living room no less) when my work phone rang this afternoon. It caught me mid-change. So I grabbed the shirt, held it up to my chest, and sat down at my desk. For some reason, I thought it only appropriate to cover up. We are after all, a business casual environment. While attempting to log in I started making casual conversation, doing my best to avoid discussing the impending snow and nippy temperature outside. It was nippy enough inside the house.
Oh yeah, I forgot - the blinds in office were open. Way to work CJ.
A continuing series of conversations with my 84 year old Mother.
On the phone, while I was driving home from work, my Mother explained to me what she would do if Tiger were her husband:
"I'd say come on honey, let's go to bed. Then I would take a match to his balls and put a cigarette lighter up his rear. That would curb his urge for a while because he would have a burned rear and burned balls."
Yes, I too had an affair with Tiger. It was back a few years ago in the 100 Acre Wood, across the road from Piglet's house. Oh wait a minute - that was Tigger, not Tiger. Sorry about that. I should have remembered because while Tiger has Titleist balls with dimples, Tigger's are striped with fur.
Here are some reasons why your payroll at work may be totally eff'd up. Or why your leave time balance may be missing a few hundred hours. Don't outsource your IT to places far away. Because if you do, one of these fellows below just may be keeping your payroll software up to date.
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This look may require a bit of upkeep, but I think it conveys a sense of both fun and seriousness. I love my new Shorty-Longback (AKA Sho-Lo).
The "Blonde Dorothy" as it is commonly called, is a young, playful sort of style. There's no place like home!
The inspiration for and creator of our new doos, Starlene.
**The author of this posts realizes that this is totally silly and perhaps a bit stupid. But hey, it's a slow day over here in Western Mass and it's all I could come up with. They all can't be home runs you know. Besides, now that I brought Walmart to you, you don't have to get in your car and drive over there.
Heading back home today. Thank goodness it's a short week with the holiday on Thursday. I didn't realize how tired and stressed I felt until I took a few days away from work.
Every time I visit Provincetown, I think what it would be like to just actually live here. During the off-season, you get a chance to chat with some of the locals, folks who have given up the nine to five to live here year round. Most seem work in the service industry, bar tending or waiting tables. They work their ass off all season. When the fall/winter comes and the restaurants close up till the spring, they collect unemployment and, if they have made enough money during the high season, travel to places much warmer than Cape Cod.
I'm not sure I could actually do that, although about half of the folks I have spoken with seem to just thrive. One or two have mentioned they can't take another winter season. They say living here full time and visiting on vacation are two very different things.
Could you do it? Could you give up your career to live year round at the ocean, the mountains, where ever it is you love to go?
I'm taking a little work break and spending a few days in Provincetown. There isn't too much open this time of year, at least not during the middle of the week. Fortunately, the weather is beautiful and as soon as I can get my butt off this couch, I'm looking forward to poking around town.
Oh, and what to you think? Should I go for the white or the light blue?
It was twenty years ago today that I kissed a girl for the first time. So I guess this makes it my 20th anniversary of being a lesbian. Some people could argue it's actually been more like 35 years. This was taken during my plaid Toughskin Jeans period.
That was prior to my Ralph Macchio period (thanks for that great reference Ronia). By that time, I had traded in my Toughskins for Earth Shoes. That's one of my nieces standing next to me. I sort of look like her uncle. Wax on, wax off.
Anyway, here's to twenty years of being the person I was born to be. An Earth Shoe wearing, plaid Toughskin toting, big 'ol lesbian.
I went to two seminars this weekend with two different mediums. The first one was with Suzane Northrop who is just absolutely amazing. This is the third time I have gone to see her and this seminar, with only about 125 people in attendance, was just as fantastic as the other two I had seen previously.
I actually got a small reading thanks to Blondie, who was sitting next to me and, after her reading, asked Suzane about my Dad. "He's not pushy like some of these other ones is he?" No, absolutely not I answered. She walked down to the end of the aisle, asked if I had any siblings, and then commented about me being Daddy's little girl. Which I interpret to be a validation of me being the youngest of two children, (by 14 years).
So yesterday I try explaining this to my 84 year old Mother. She knows I'm a believer in these paranormal things so this is nothing new. I explained the whole thing, how I think I got a message from Ernie and how cool it was. To which she replied "Do you know what the weather is supposed to be tomorrow?"
Why yes I do - winged monkeys are going to fly out my butt and pee all over your town with an occasional poop thrown in.
I didn't say that actually. But I could have and I don't think it would have incited a reaction. She has been in her own little world now for years and things have only gotten worse with age.
Anyway, I encourage you to check out one of Suzane's seminars if you have the chance. It's a very cool experience.
I knew this would happen. I hung on as long as I could last night but the counter wouldn't budge from 19, 996. This morning it is at 20,003.
From what I can gather from my stat counter, the 20,000 hit came from Richmond, VA. And I have an idea who that may be. I am going to contact them today to see if they popped by for a visit around 10:45 PM Eastern time last night.
If it's not this person, I have a pretty good idea who visited around that time. I may just throw those names in a hat and pick one. Hopefully I will have some sort of confirmation by the end of the day today. Update to follow.
Or if you prefer, an iTunes or Amazon gift certificate. Some people are not into t-shirts. Those I believe I can just email to each of you.
If you could both please email me your address and size preference to firstname.lastname@example.org (for t-shirts), I will get those mailed out to you ASAP. Or, if you are interested in the gift certificates, please forward along your email.
I got the opportunity to reunite with my Goldie last night. Goldie was one my college roommates. We met in 1982, our freshman year, and lived a couple of rooms down from each other until senior year, when we got an off campus apartment with two other friends. We kept in close contact for several years but unfortunately lost touch about 12 years or so ago. A few months ago, she found me on Facebook.
I just love my Goldie. She is one of the sweetest people I know. And hanging out with her, even after all those years, felt just as comfortable and fun as it did back when we were in college. Probably even more comfortable actually. Because this time I wasn't wearing spandex stirrup pants.
Oh, and the name Goldie? It was the name of her dog. Goldie and Gretel reunited at last.
I received a holiday catalog from a country store north of Massachusetts. I won't say the state, because I don't typically like to name businesses, unless of course they make a good vodka or micro-brew.
I was excited to take a peak at it today. Nothing like a big picture of Santa on a country store catalog to stir up a little holiday spirit. Cozy nightgowns,cakes, candies, toys, and wait....what's this.....oh my.... an intimate massager in several different styles including discrete delight and dual pleasure?! Imagine my shock and surprise when I came across (no pun intended) that little jewel when all I wanted was some maple syrup. And to think I was going to let my Mother borrow this catalog. Well, she can't have it now. It's mine.
In order to make up for my pumpkin guffaw, I'm thinking a prize is in order. I'm about 400 hits away from 20,000 and I want to award a prize to the visitor who hits that mark. I have a couple of ideas in mind, something representative of the area in which I live (and no, it won't be a pumpkin or me in a pumpkin costume).
The rules are simple:
1) The 20,000 visitor must have visited and left a comment at least one time prior to that hit.
2) If the hit occurs at 3:00 AM I am mostly likely not going to catch it. If I can't narrow it down to the specific person, I will throw the names that hit around that time into a hat and pull one winner.
If you happen to visit, and scroll down to the counter and see 20,000 please let me know. Otherwise, I will rely on on my stat counters to identify you.
I'm guess-timating that the hit should come within the next month. Unless of course you are sick and tired of me. Then it will take a bit longer. Happy clicking.
Blondie asked me the other day if pumpkins grow in Florida. I said "No, they grow in a pumpkin patch."
Being extremely ignorant of geography and what grows where, (despite getting an A in Plant Biology in college), I now need to know. Montana, Michigan, California, Oregon, Florida, Virginia, Texas, Minnesota, Ohio, Kentucky, Arizona - Do you grow your own pumpkins for Halloween or do you have them brought in from New England??
Irene (on phone): Cath, I found two bank books, one with your name and one with your sister's that your father had set up. On January 31, 2004 there was one thousand-three hundred dollars. Your father was good to save all that money in an account for you
Me (thinking what bank still uses "books" to stamp your balance): Well, we probably cashed those out after Dad died. I think the bank would have contacted us if they were still active. Besides, you know one thousand dollars isn't a ton of money these days.
Irene: It's not ONE thousand - it's one thousand-THREE-HUNDRED.
My mother is not so good with numbers these days. In actuality, the balance could be $1.30 or $13,000. After ending the initial conversation, she called me back about 5 minutes later, which is the norm, to let me know where she has put the books. I'm guessing the accounts were probably closed years ago, but I'm curious none the less. Who wants to be a millionaire? I do.
Hot and Horny Bunny Grahams. Because who doesn't love an X-rated snack? I know I do.
I happened to buy these treats at a popular children's store chain. Imagine my shock and horror when I pulled this pair out of my snack pack. No wonder I can never seem to finish the box - they are multiplying in my pantry faster than I can eat them.
I've had a couple of bad days. Last night my cat of 14 years was euthanized. That sucked. Really sucked. I've lost pets before but this was a tough one for me. I've never stayed in the room - although my vet just lets you stay for the sedation part and once the pet is asleep (literally), you leave the room and he finishes the procedure. It's hitting me harder this evening I think.
Then tonight on my commute home I was having a conversation with my niece (she's an adult - 38 years old), when she starts having a reaction to some injections she had in her neck for a disc issue. She tells me she needs to turn around and go back to the hospital. She's driving in Boston and I'm 75 miles away in western Mass. I call her back a few minutes later and she's gasping for air, saying the something about an ambulance, and having a hell of time trying to getting the words out. I pull the car over, scared out of my mind, and tell her stay on the phone with me. Then in an instant she's gone. I call her mother (my sister) - no answer. I call my other niece - no answer. By now my hands are shaking as I call my sister again who finally answers and calls my niece's husband. My niece had somehow already called him and he was on his way to the hospital to meet up with her. As it turns out, the muscles in her neck had swelled from all of the injections. I don't have the whole story yet, but am so relieved and thankful that she is going to be ok. That really scared the shit out of me.
I'm heading off to bed with the dogs and hiding under the covers. Right after I get done keeping my other cat company, who right now is missing her brother something fierce.
I pass this restaurant every day on my way to and from work. I notice it because of the name.
Right next to the restaurant is a strip club. I notice it because of the colorful neon sign. If you think the outside is a little tacky, you should see the inside. Just kidding. The inside actually isn't too bad.
The new gym equipment has been delivered and set up. One treadmill? Check! One elliptical? Check? One big bum? Check!
The original equipment, one ab machine, a treadclimber, a total gym, and a heavy bag (not shown) are there as well. They were just not any fun. And they were not working (you actually have to use them to see any improvement.) So it's let's keep the old and bring in the new!
This is the most important piece of equipment - the beer fridge. It is strategically placed next to the ab LOUNGER (caps intentional). The new equipment came with a couple of cup holders so we should be all set.
I'm gearing up for some exercise later today by eating chocolate covered espresso beans and drinking a soda now.
All kidding aside, I am seriously going to try to get back in shape. I used to go to the gym 3-4 times a week at one point when I lived in Boston. Since I've moved out here however, the long commute has given me a big excuse to plop myself on the couch at night.
And just to put it all out there - here goes - the last time I got on the scale (last week) it read 157.7. And, at 5' 6 and a half " I want to weigh 135. So wish me luck. I think this blog will hopefully keep my honest and therefore motivated.
I so want to thank you for your total lack of respect for other's property. I've always said, why drive 20 extra feet to turn around in a driveway when you can just pull a u-ey on someone's grass.
I wish I had looked out the window when I heard you speeding down the street. Not that I could have done anything to reverse the brain damage from which you currently suffer, but at least I could have given you the 'ol one finger salute and swore at you under my breath (don't want to wake the neighbors - that would be impolite).
I would very much like to meet you so I can place my foot up your ass. Sideways.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend and please try to keep your tires on the road dickhead.
My 84 year old mother, who weighs about 90 pounds soaking wet, told me during our phone conversation today that I needed to lose weight. Something about beer and calories, long commutes, chips and dip, no exercise, blah blah blah blah.
I didn't think that was very nice. So I'm making her assemble some new exercise equipment when it arrives on Tuesday. That will teach her. I hope she doesn't have a hard time getting that treadmill and elliptical machine down to the basement. I don't want to see any scratches on the wall or on the machines. Tell me I need to lose weight.... Hmmph.
So I got this cool award and tag from Propane Amy. Thanks Amy - that was very sweet of you!
Now the tough part - I am supposed to list 10 things about myself. I think I made one of these lists before - and I had a really hard time doing it. Can I do a list of five things twice instead?
1. I think I could win if I went on Big Brother.
2. I think I would get voted off first if I went on Survivor.
3. I think I would dislocate a knee and shoulder if I went on Wipe Out.
4. I think the judges ears would bleed if I tried out for American Idol.
5. I think my audition for So You Think You Can Dance would consist of doing the Bump.
6. Can you walk the cat walk on America's Next Top Model in Doc Martens? I could do that
7. I think Chef Ramsey would not be impressed with my signature meal which consists of crackers, cheese, and Pinot Grigio. I also do a wicked Chips and Dip.
8. I think I would suck on The Apprentice. I have nothing to wear. CJ, you're fired!
9. If I went on the Amazing Race, I would be lost before I left the country and I would probably trip and sprain my ankle while running to the first clue, 50 yards from the starting line.
10. I apparently watch too much reality television. Can you tell?
I'm passing on the tagging because all your blogs rock and I would have to give everyone this award. Plus I'm tired and I need to go to bed immediately. Does being able to fall asleep in less than 5 minutes get me on America's Got Talent?
I know it's been 6 years now since we last spoke, but I'm going to an angel party today and I was really hoping you would stop by for a chat. I'm a little worried since you were never very aggressive and I think there will be quite a few folks on the other side who will be trying to get the medium's attention. But if you could spare a few minutes today, that would be very cool.
PS - Please tell me they have Sam Adams over there.
PSS - Remember when we would ask you to do a cartwheel for us in the backyard after you had your Saturday evening martini and you would kindly oblige us? I will always remember those martini cartwheels.