Am I A Bad Friend?

Does it make me a bad friend if I laughed so hard I nearly peed when Stiffy told me she caught son number 2 using her neti pot? I mean that in and of itself may not be so funny. But he was using it while he was taking a shower - to wash his butt crack. And she's pretty sure this wasn't the first time. So Stiffy was basically washing out her sinuses with a spigot that had been in someone else's nether regions. I'm still giggling.

As bad as this was, I'm not quite sure it tops the incident Stiffy had with her other son. Stiffy couldn't quite figure why her face was breaking out. After all, she took good care of her skin, washing her face morning and evening with her Dove moisturizing bar, which was kept, like the neti pot, in the shower. And you guessed it. Her soap had been somewhere it probably should not have been if it was going to be shared among family members. Yes, Stiffy was literally shit faced.

I love my Stiffy. But from now on, I'm not ever using anything I find in her shower. Unless of course it is one of her fancy shampoos. Then I may make an exception.

Stiffy's Ear Candle

Hmmmm, what to do, what to do when you are feeling trapped inside on a rainy day? I know, let's stick candles in our ears and light them on fire! [The candles that is, not our ears hopefully.]

However, it may be best to read the instructions prior to lighting the candle. Oh what the hell. Let's just figure it out as we go along.

One of the highlights of the afternoon was Stiffy's topless walk from the kitchen to her bedroom. Those pesky ashes. Not quite sure how they got all over her shirt.

Hope your hurricane party was as fun as ours was!

Found It!

The septic man came to the house and had me drop a little blue plastic thingy down the toilet. He then went out in the yard and scanned the ground with something that looked vaguely like a metal detector. It beeped. He dug. And lo and behold, there it was!

He opened in the lid. It was like a giant pool of toilet/sink/shower waste. And the first thought that raced through my mind was "When did we have corn?"

Coconuts In A Jar

Do you use coconut oil? If so, do you think it really has all the health benefits the write-ups claim?

I tried a spoonful of it today. It looks like lard but tastes pretty darn good. I haven't tried the manna yet, but it smells delicious. I'm thinking of throwing one or the other in smoothies and oatmeal. I still feel a bit unsure - it just looks like it would clog the heck out of your arteries. But from what I've read that is not the case at all.

If anyone has any thoughts, suggestions, recipies on how to use this stuff, I would love to hear from you.

Hold Onto Your Hat!

The beach hat - fashion accessory or personal protective equipment (PPE)?

With all the talk of sun safety, beach hats are now as common as coolers and and umbrellas. Here are a few examples.

The Big Brim Baby Blue Beach Beanie:

This hat has three functions. First, it keeps the sun of your face and the face of everyone else in your party. Second, it serves as a landing spot for seagulls and seaplanes. Lastly, it converts to a picnic table on which you can set all your beach snacks.

The Two Hats Are Better Than One Hat:

Hmmmm. White visor or straw beach hat? Stop stressing over the decision and wear both! You get the protection of a wide brim hat plus the sportiness of a visor all rolled into one here. Tennis anyone?

The Plain Jane Chapeau:

What do you get when you cross Roseanne Rosannadanna + Bozo + Wayne from Wayne's World?

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You get me in a baseball cap! Apparently the pressure from the cap pushes all my hair out at a right angle from the side of my head. Now that's fierce fashion.

Also, please notice my additional PPE of a long sleeve shirt. You can never be too careful. My attire, coupled with my 100 SPF, left me whiter than I was before I left home. Party on Garth.

Slip Sliding Away

A group of us are having a weight loss competition. It goes for 10 weeks and the goal is to lose a pound a week. For every week you don't lose a pound, you have to put $5.00 in the kitty. At the end of 10 weeks the one with the greatest percentage of weight loss gets the pot.

Two weeks in and I owe 5 bucks. Not such a great start but I'm confident I can do this. One person has already lost five pounds (would you eat something Mindy for fuck's sake?)

You know I love me some Stiffy. She decided to join a gym to help her in her weight loss quest. Stiffy is not really a gym rat. At all. The gym however, has tanning, which is something Stiffy does like. So the other night when she was at the gym she stripped down to her undies, disinfected the the tanning bed, and attempted to slide in - without drying the bed first. And then she somehow flew out of the bed onto the floor, thong intact but slightly shaken. Stiffy, Stiffy, Stiffy. You know I love you woman but I am still laughing my butt off thinking about this. Next time you want some color just come over to the Wet Spot. I promise you won't fall off the lounge chair and I'll make you some kick ass Margaritas (after I seat belt you to your chair).

Have You Seen My Key (Words)

If you use Stat Counter or another analytics tool, you can find the most common search keywords that direct people to your blog. Here are my recent keywords as of today:

porn actress roniqa: I have a friend with a similar name that I have mentioned once or twice on this blog. To the best of my knowledge, she is not a porn star. However, Blondie and I did go to a strip club with her once and had a most excellent time.

mouse droppings in pool: I've referenced our pool, aka "The Wet Spot" and "That hole in the ground into which I pour water and money". Every now and again I have had to retrieve a mouse from the pool, who although shit scared, prefers to leave all his droppings in the shed prior to going for a swim.

blondies teeth: Yes, I did blog about Blondie's teeth. Because she still has them, and I'm not taking about the ones in her head. She has her baby teeth along with some of the dog's puppy teeth tucked away. I plan to string them together one day to make a lovely necklace for her.

ding dong cart: The Ding Dong cart was a topic of interest in one post. For those of you not from New England, the Ding Dong cart is the name for the ice cream trucks that drive around the neighborhood in the summer, taunting children with their familiar music and then quickly speeding up and driving away as they come running out the backyard with money in hand.

naked in the snow: I have never been naked in the snow or written about it. I have been naked in The Wet Spot on more than one occassion but only during the summer months.

large flesh colored tick dog: What the hell is a tick dog?

naked **** with stiffys: The only stiffy I post about is my friend Stiffy whose nickname does not derive from the kind of stiffy that I'm pretty certain is referred to in that search term. Also, if I were to write about such a thing, I would use the proper terminology - woody.

dding: I had a post entitled "DDing Tonight" which was about being the designated driver for the evening. That post gets a lot of hits and I never knew why. A little Internet search revealed that DDing Boo is the nickname for someone called Sexy Lance. Ahhhh - so now I get it. Yeah right.

Septic Tank Geo-Tracking

So 60 feet from some iron pin on the right side and 96 feet from some prop pin (whatever the heck that is) is the outlet to our septic tank which I must find and expose in order to have the septic tank pumped. It's like geo-tracking in your backyard only the prize isn't some sort of treasure - it's not having whatever went down the drain and the toilet in the past five years flow into the house.

See the number 2 on the map above? That's it. Number 2 is what I have to find so I don't find number 2 someplace else, namely the kitchen floor.

Now who knows how to read that freaking map shown above?