- You won't be able to read. Put another way, YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO READ.
- Every calorie you eat, be it from an apple or a potato chip, will take approximately 237 hours of running on the treadmill to burn off.
- Remember the Bain Du Soleil lady? Well, she remembers you. And she apologizes for lying about Orange Gelee Number 4.
- At best, there is only another 7 years or so before your body's thermostat raises your inner core to a temperature somewhere between that of molten lava and the bowels of hell. Mind you, this will only happen when you are trying to fall asleep at night or in a meeting at work.
- You will change your mind about pajama jeans.
- You find yourself preferring to stay at home and watch television on a Friday night instead of going out. And Saturday night. Maybe even Sunday.
- You will look even more beautiful than you do today. Because in my humble opinion, women in their 40's and older are hot (and not just from the flashing mentioned above in number 4).
Happy Birthday Nicki. Enjoy your special weekend, party like a rock star, and remember a cute pair of reading cheaters is available at any local CVS.