Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Lives Of Cats And Dogs

Someone sent me this email. I don't know who the author is, but it gave me a big chuckle.

DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Ran back and forth in the hall! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play tug! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ' good little hunter ' I am. Bastards!

They continue to pick me up and handle me, an obvious attempt to subvert me. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ' allergies. ' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -- and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe ... for now. Tonight I will again lay on their heads while they sleep and hope to smother them.

14 comments:

CHEWY said...

What about pet fish?

Velvet Ginger said...

omg...that is hitting the nail right on the head huh? Love it!!!

Old Crone said...

OMG...I'm dying, that was too funny. You need to do Day Two of cat captivity...:)

lynt said...

i have nightmares that rita's cats really are thinking those thoughts -- and will someday succeed at smothering me in my sleep.

CJ said...

Pet fish Chewy? Let's see:
7:00 AM swimming
8:00 AM still swimming
9:00 AM feel like i'm in a fish bowl. still swimming.
10:00 making a run for it. wait - i don't have any legs. keep swimming.

CJ said...

I think this is just what both my cats and dogs are thinking Rubye Jean. The dogs love everything. The cats are planning their escape.

CJ said...

I would try an attempt at a day two OC but I'm afraid to give out too many secrets to the cats. I'm worried about the whole stair thing.

CJ said...

You need to keep some cat treats on hand Lynt just to be on the safe side. They can be bribed. Of course, all bets are off if they catch you sleeping.

Cristina said...

Thank goodness for big dumb dawgs - I love my guy, what a Dude - and really imagine Bill & Ted, that is Dude.

Ms. Creek said...

i've read this and agree that it is PERFECT for those lovely creatures we choose to keep in our homes!

Shrinky said...

Oh my God, tears in my eyes from laughing! Chewy told me this was a must read, she was right.

(Still grinning..)

Velvet Ginger said...

My cats would have written in their diary how much they love to hunt lizards... eat the guts then puke them on my bed...right after I put my freshly washed comforter back on!

CJ said...

Dogs are just so content Cristina. I just love them.

I think if dogs and cats could keep a diary Ms. Creek, this would be pretty close to what it would be like.

Hey Shrinky, I'm glad this gave you a chuckle. Beware of cats!

CJ said...

Ooooh Rubye Jean - lizard guts? Yuck. Thank goodness we don't have that problem here!