Martini Cartwheels

T his pescatarian ate meat this weekend - by accident. And, similar to how it felt when I kissed my new girlfriend, I liked it.  In my defense, it was chorizo. Chorizo was as foreign to my family growing up as Covid-19 vaccines are to Arkansans. So when I see it on the menu, my brain translates this: Lightly fried and tossed with sautéed chorizo, peppers, onions, garlic, and banana peppers
 in a light marinara sauce to this: Lightly fried and tossed with sautéed chorizo , no meat here - keep going and don't forget to order lobster as your main meal and also a good IPA, peppers, onions, garlic, and banana peppers
 in a light marinara sauce, you'll have garlic breath when you kiss aforementioned new girlfriend but no worries because she is also going to eat this. From here on in, it's RTFM - read the fish menu. 

Nailed it. Think I finally found the stud. And the screws, although stripped like a dancer at the Magic Lantern, are almost flush with the wall. Let's see what happens when I load this 7 foot tall case up with books. Stand back. Way back. 

To all my friends living in areas where there are windmill farms - please get yourself screened for windmill cancer. I heard the test is a real breeze.

Went for a check up last month and found out I'm an inch shorter than I used to be. Bought new shoes last week and found out I'm half a size bigger than I thought. Apparently my height is decreasing while my feet are elongating. At this rate I'll eventually be 4 feet tall with size 15 shoes. Add a red nose and a wig and I can spend my golden years as a circus clown.

Beer tip of the day. A few pints of a nice hoppy IPA followed by spoonfuls of maple pretzel peanut butter, Cheez-Its, and gulps of water may have the following side effects: sleeplessness, headache, nausea, vomiting, and disrupted sleep for other members of the household. On to more pressing matters, specifically an "Official Summons For Juror Service". Jury duty equals a day full of anxiety and stress for the following reasons: Courthouses are typically located in areas with limited parking It always seems to fall on a day when there is something important going on at work You are forced to sit for hours in a room full of strangers Raising your hand when you have to pee is embarrassing The worry that the sushi/chicken salad/blue cheese dressing/yogurt you ate the night before was actually a day past its expiration and will be letting you know that very soon **This post is a draft from a few months back that I never got around to finishing. So here is the update...

It is July. Or as we like to call it, one more month to use the pool before it gets too cold in Massachusetts. I like my pool water to be about 89 degrees, more like a big hot tub minus the bubbles. I won't dry dive directly into the pool unless it is at this temp or higher.  Or maybe if I was being chased by zombies. (Assuming zombies can't swim and that chlorine makes their parts fall off). When I was about 4 years old I dove into the bathtub. It explains a lot I know. There was water in the tub, not that it mattered. It wasn't so much as a swan dive but a head first half jump/half roll into the back ledge. It left me with a nice egg on my forehead and a new appreciation for porcelain.  It was ok however because the water was warm . You know those people who do polar plunges into the ocean in January? I will never be one of those people. If I were Jack from the Titanic,  I would have clunked Rose over the head with that floating piece of wood and hauled my ass out o...

My tribute to Bill O: There once was an old man from Fox news, who had very conservative views. He said watch this trick as he pulled out his ****, And now he is singing the blues.

I don't subscribe to any organized religion and the only time I find myself in a church is for a wedding or a funeral. The last couple of days however, I have been listening to snippets of Joel Osteen's radio broadcast. His words can be inspirational even for a heathen like myself. Joel's message seems similar to the law of attraction but with biblical references thrown in. I can almost relate. Today's talk was about not holding on to anger and bitterness. In order to move forward in life, we can't be carrying around excess emotional baggage. That makes sense to me. Tell me more Joel! Somebody cut you off on your commute? Drop it, leave it, let it go says Joel. Got your knickers in a twist about something that happened at work? Drop it, leave it, let it go. A friend of yours voted for Trump? Drop it, leave it, let it go. (That last one is my example and personal challenge of late.) With Joel's sermon fresh on my mind, I pulled into the driveway and walked ...

First post of 2017. Frankly, between a stressful 2016 and a bumpy start to 2017 I haven't felt funny. That is, until I wore my new spinning tights for the first time. Normally I wear a loose fitting style of capri pants with a removable pad that snaps in place. I love them except for the fact that they are not very aerodynamic (because I spin like the wind) and they sometimes twist up a bit. Other than that, I am very comfortable wearing them, both physically and emotionally. I 💜 them. Cycling tights are interesting. First of all, they are form fitting like no other piece of clothing I have ever worn. My soft butch perpetual weekend look does not include anything that hugs my body. The tights make me a bit self conscious, a feeling that is multiplied by going commando while wearing them.  I walk in such as way so that no one can see my backside. Awkward. I look as though I am line dancing my way to the cycling room. Second, they have a built in pad. It sort of fee...

There are so many things for which to be thankful for today. And one thing for which I and so many others are not. If you are still struggling with the results of this past election, here are few things that may help ease your pain. Meditate: Take some time for you. Find a quiet space, close your eyes, and breath deeply.  Exercise: Join a gym, go for a walk, move your body. Release that stress! Run as far as you can without stopping, perhaps all the way to Canada. Get back to nature: Hike the great outdoors. Find two sticks, about 5 inches in length. Now whittle the ends of those sticks into a nice sharp point and push them hard into your ear canal. Ahh...relief from the pain of the past few weeks. Take up a new hobby such as wine tasting. Buy yourself 7 cases of mixed varieties. Make notes on your favorites.  After the weekend, when you have depleted your stock, head back to the liquor store for 7 more cases and perhaps a wheel of cheese or two. Read a good book. My ...

In the early post dawn hours, when you think all your neighbors are still in bed, what do you wear to bring out the trash on trash day? How far will you go? Will you venture down the driveway in your pajamas? In your bathrobe? Here was my garbage chic inspired outfit for this morning: So CJ. Who are you wearing? I'm wearing my own design, one that accentuates the incredible bed head I woke up with this morning. Black slip on shoes, the pair I typically wear to work, accented with red M&M boxers, a flannel shirt (Walmart's best), and a Seahawks* football t-shirt  combined beautifully to create this amazing ensemble. Neighbors - you are welcome. You all now realize just how good you look today. For added bonus trashy girl points, we are giving away this gently used suitcase which is your for the taking at the end of the driveway. *I am totally a Patriot's fan but on a recent trip to Seattle, we picked up Seahawks t's as we needed something to sle...

Here's an interesting texting typo I created last week: And if airline seats get any smaller, I can see this being an actual problem. Can you imagine? I'm sorry ma'am, but there is no way both of you can seat in one seat. You will have to purchase an additional ticket for "her". What would happen then? Would she want the window or middle seat? That's assuming she would even want to sit next to me. I mean, we are together 24/7 so she may want a little alone time, out in the open air, where she is free of any restraint. And what if she is chatty, flapping her lips the whole time? I'm not a big talker when I travel, preferring instead to bury my head in a magazine so I can take my mind off the flight and enjoy my Ativan. I imagine the conversation going as such: She:  I hate that bike seat at spin class. You have no idea what it's like. Me:  Spin class is only 50 minutes. You can handle it. I bought you padded shorts. Those weren't     ...

If you work for an organization that has a fiscal year starting July 1, you may be preparing for your annual merit review. Sometimes this process is accompanied by the "pre-review"  questionnaire where you write down all the great things you did during the year. It usually starts off something like this: "Highlight your major accomplishments for the 2016 fiscal year. Please include specific references to each time you restrained yourself from choking the living shit out of a co-worker." I believe the pre-review is an outdated method of accurately accessing an employee's accomplishments. Therefore I would like to propose that from now on, the employee pre-review consists entirely of interpretive dance, performed while wearing an unitard, set to a Mongolian throat singing soundtrack. Sound good? Great. Now get practicing!

I saw a commercial today for a prescription medication that treats the symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome. Among those symptoms - URGENT DIARRHEA.  Which begs the following question. Is there anything such as non-urgent diarrhea?  "Hey don't worry about me. I've got knee buckling stomach pain and burning flatulence from that street taco I just ate. But it's no problem because I have non-ugrent diarrhea. It can wait." Non-urgent diarrhea is the distant cousin painless gum grafting. Not that I would know.  I've had neither. 

Meanwhile back in western Massachusetts.... I believe this rubber object is supposed to represent male genitalia. I say this with some uncertainty for a couple of reasons.  I'm pretty sure they are not usually blue unless they are on the verge of exploding. This set did not explode the whole time I was watching them. This thing looks dirty and stretched out, like it has been around the block and broken a few times.  It moved freely, swinging from left to right and back again, almost like it had a mind of its own. It was attached to something even more unattractive than itself. Wait a minute, I think I just answered my own question. 

I skipped my Day 3 update. I was just too whiney. My mouth felt like the Chicopee Landfill. In case you are interested or are considering having this procedure, here is my status for today: Still feeling pretty tired on day 4 post procedure. I'm not sure if this is due to the pain meds or just a normal part of the healing process Although it's ok at this point to chew soft foods on my good side, I continue to stick with foods that I can just swallow down like yogurt, protein shakes, and baby food. Chewing scares me. I wake up to find that there is still some bleeding during the night. Now that Halloween has come and gone that shit can stop. Vampire season is over. I haven't washed my hair since the day of the procedure. I have an irrational fear that scrubbing my head will somehow loosen the stitches in my mouth. I may actually get out of the house today!  Thanks for reading. I hope everyone has a wonderful rest of the day!

You know what is quite tasty? Baby food. It would be even better  if it was available in birthday cake, sharp cheddar, or pancake flavors. I had my gum graft surgery yesterday morning and although I felt a little uncomfortable when I first got up, I'm still managing comfortably with the 600mg of ibuprofen. I'm hungry and a bit terrified to open my mouth wide enough to chew with my good side. I've been sticking with protein shakes and baby food. I'm playing it safe. Rest assured however, when my mouth is completely healed I will be eating a large tuna sub with a bag of chips and chasing it all down with a pound of peanut M&Ms.

Here's what your shopping cart may look like if you ever undergo a gingival graft procedure. I had mine just about 8 hours ago. It was a  connective-tissue graft, the process in which they cut a flap in the roof of our mouth, harvest tissue from under the flap, stitch the flap shut, and then stitch the harvested tissue to the area of the gum that has receded. Fun! The 7 shots of novocaine seemed to have worked as the procedure itself was not very painful. I was sent home with prescription strength Motrin , antibiotics, and Vicodin. As you can probably guess by my ability to type this post, I have not taken anything but the Motrin and the antibiotic. I've been told the pain and discomfort gets worse at night. I may bring out the big guns at that point so I can get some sleep. And since I'm not suppose to lay on the side of my face, the recliner in the living room is going to be my bed, at least for tonight. Part 2 to follow! 

I may have been exaggerating slightly when I told my one of my besties that there was such a thing as pumpkin spice tampons. I laughed so hard at her response however, that I had to change my pumpkin spice panty liner.

So I may have had a few drinks and the casino in Connecticut last week and I may have posted something on Facebook that mentioned people that direct the smoke from their cigarette or cigar directly into your face are dicks. I also commented on a news article about requiring student driver vehicles to be clearly marked as such. My well thought out comment? "Stupid Idea." FBI, also known as Facebooking While Intoxicated, is a very dangerous thing. How many times have you woken up, frantically searched for your phone, and signed into your account only to find your status reads "My ex's new girlfriend is a total bitch", "I want to hump my next door neighbor behind the shed",  "I'm quitting sniffing glue right after the weekend", or "Look at my great new kitten tattoo!" Please people, let's be there for one another when friends are in the midst of committing an FBI. A quick text, a message on FB, or a phone call can save your...