Martini Cartwheels

We keep getting a bill for $1.00 from the Jesus dentist in Ludlow. I call him the Jesus dentist because he has a a picture of Jesus on the sign outside the office. About few years ago, Blondie went to him for a routine visit. After they hygienist said all looked well, the dentist came in and said she need 5 fillings replaced. A second opinion and 6 years later, the original fillings are still in and all is well. Hmmmm. About a year and a half ago, the bills for $1.00 started to arrive. Month after month, I get this bill, I rip it up, and I throw it in the trash. Jesus dentist has spent more on postage then on the actual bill.  I'm at the point where I may I set up my own payment plans, 1 penny at a time. Don't be fooled by dentists with similar tactics. If they have a picture of a saint, a leprechaun, or a giant molar it could be trouble. You go in for a cleaning and the next thing you know you are paying for a full set of dentures. I speak the tooth.

Oh dear Lord. So as a follow up to my last post, my mother now thinks people are talking about her saying that she is pregnant. When my sister tried to explain that there is an age limit on these sort of things, my mother just looked at her suspiciously and said "oh really?" My mother never smoked. My mother never drank. That apparently was a big mistake. According to a new study by Martini Cartwheels Research, those who have no vices are more likely to lose their minds in their senior years. Trust me. I'm as reliable as the FDA.

Might as well start off February with a post about Irene, my 88 year old mother. Irene is at the point where "elderly paranoia" has set in. She doesn't trust most of the nurses aids which is very sad, as she depends on them for just about all of her needs. There are certain people you should always be nice to - your hairstylist, your phlebotomist, and your nurse's aid. Anyway, I'm visiting with Irene a couple of weeks ago and she tells me how the aids try to take out her teeth at night. And I tell her that yes, of course they do, because you have false teeth and you normally don't sleep with your teeth in. The reason they want her teeth, according to Irene, is to give them to a little boy, who "evidently has awful teeth". So now I'm picturing an 8 year old boy, running around with my mother's false teeth in his mouth, sporting a big ol' grin and sucking on a lollipop. But let's not stop there. Because I also imagine he is wear...

Can someone please tell me why I spent $15.00 on a headband that makes me look like a crazy person? I definitely need something to mop up my brow as I sweat like a whore in church when I work out but this thing makes me look like I stepped out of an episode of The Brady Brunch. And no, I'm not going to add a pic to this post of me wearing it. Use your imagination. Picture a 70's hair-band lead singer with dark curly locks flattened on the sides by a stretchy band of fabric. It ain't pretty.

I must have a reputation for sitting quite a bit as I got a squatty potty  and a  balance ball chair  for Christmas. In fact, I'm using the balance ball as I type. Had you worried for half a second there didn't I? Without giving away TMI, I think the balance ball chair would be great for my desk at work. The squatty potty not so much as I can't picture myself 1) actually sitting on a toilet seat at work and 2) without doing step 1 there is no step 2 and 3) who in their right mind needs a squatty potty at their desk? I also got a new coffee maker which I guess works somewhat in tandem with both of these devices. You can use one of them while you drink your coffee and then you can use the other one when you are done. All kidding aside, I think both the chair and the squatty potty are really innovative products and from what I can gather, pretty popular this holiday season. Thank you Blondie from the bottom of my heart bottom for always getting me such cool gifts....

First, learn how to spell it. The title of this post was originally How To Eat A Pomiganite. I can't spell worth a lick. Ok then. For all you that are interested, this is my method for opening up and eating a   pomegranate. Put on a white shirt. Always challenge yourself I say. Score the pomegranate by making a shallow circular cut around the middle. Pull the halves apart. It is best to do this standing over the kitchen sink. Wipe the red juice off your white shirt. Get a wooden spoon, the kind that's good for tapping people on the butt. Holding one half of the pomegranate upside down over a bowl, tap the back side of the fruit with the wooden spoon. Watch 3 seeds fall out. Mumble to yourself "screw this" and, still holding the pomegranate in the same position described in the above step, start removing the seeds with your thumbs. Watch big chunks of seeds and fruit flesh fall into your bowl and juice splash the side of the sink. Attempt to remove the seeds...

Agh. What a bad blogger I have been this year. I've wanted to post. I've thought about posting. I didn't write much. And every year at this time I say "I will be better next year!" I got caught up with taking exercising classes, reading about photography, visiting my mother in the nursing home, working. Things that were important and sometimes time consuming but not always enjoyable. Blogging depends a lot on my mood too. I have to be in that funny, crazy, happy place in order to write something that has a chance of making folks chuckle. Seeing as it is December 29th, I'll say it once more. I will try to be a better blogger next year. Really.