Into The Closet

As I was driving to the casino this weekend, I convinced myself that it was ok to go spend a little money and have some fun. Dropping money in a casino may only buy you a little bit of excitement for the afternoon but at least it wasn't going to take up room in my garage, basement, or closet like so many other ghosts of purchases past.

  • Juicers can really clutter up a kitchen cabinet. I bought one a few years back from a popular shopping channel. It was great fun until I realized that I did not routinely have six apples, three carrots, and fresh ginger root on hand every time I wanted a glass of juice. And let’s be honest here. What I really wanted to throw in that chopper was peanut butter cups, M&M’s and milk, which would have just clogged the thing up anyway.
  • The hair remover gel looked great on the infomercial. Funny how the woman on the television didn't appear to be bleeding after pulling the gel covered strips off her skin. Then again, she demonstrated the product on her legs. I kept the gel for a year or so just in case I needed to glue my truck to the driveway during a hurricane.
  • The electric abdominal stimulator was another infomercial inspired purchase that caused me some discomfort. I thought it would be a real time saver to be able to zap myself some six-pack abs, drink a six-pack, eat chips and watch pay per view, all while never leaving the comfort of my couch. The sensation of getting punched in the ovary every five seconds didn’t really thrill me however, and after using this device only one time, I tucked it neatly away in a closet. Somewhere.
  • I believed I could spare twenty minutes a day three times a week for eight weeks. Turns out, this was not the recommended exercise schedule but the amount of time required to assemble my treadmill/stepper/clothes hanger. And yes, this was another purchase inspired from one of those half hour commercials that run on Saturday morning. After nearly falling of the thing on more than one occasion I realized it was best to save treading for the pool and climbing for getting in and out of bed.
  • A bicycle is a reasonable purchase – if you use it. Of course I made sure it was all tricked out with a fancy seat, travel bag, and speedometer/odometer. To add that extra bit of excitement I had the garden-variety pedals replaced with toe clips, which as it turns out are not a very smart accessory for a novice rider. If you can picture a grown woman with curly black hair sticking out six inches from the side of her helmet (summer humidity in New England is a bitch) trying feverishly to clip out at an intersection before toppling over, you will understand why the bike now stays put in the garage. It wasn’t a good look for me.

*The following is a re-post of an essay I originally wrote for Our Big Gayborhood.


LilliGirl said…
I do believe my gf needs to read this.
Taradharma said…
oh, my estranged wife needs to read this! Not that it would alter her habits, no. How many Ralph Lauren Polo shirts does she really need?

I have been the victim of t.v. commercial purchases: the Total Gym being one that I indulged in TWICE. It's a great machine, actually, IF you use it as instructed. Doesn't count if you use it for a close hanger.

And I purchased the Bullet....used for maybe a month and then it got lost somewhere in the many moves I've done.

Must. Stop. Watching. TV. Commercials.
Shrinky said…
Ah, but I feel so CLEANSED after having bagged up all my purchases for the goodwill shop - every granny who shops there will bless my anonymous soul for donating that Rampant (broken from using it in the bathtub) Rabbit, and hair crimper (that can melt asbestos). God has a plan, see?

(Okay I admit it, I hate old folk..)
Bandan said…
wow , lot of women need to read this :) and I too love to spend my money in the way , it doesnt clutter my house. :)

Nice one!

And hopefully you will like this:

Leave a comment so that I know you've been there :)
tattytiara said…
I made the juicer mistake. I occasionally wonder if the friend who I bequeathed it to years later - still unopened and in it's original packaging - has ever used it.

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