Reality Check

The vast majority of reality television shows are geared for straight folks, and most recruit hetero hard-bodies to participate. That is why I am proposing a new genre of reality television, one which lesbians everywhere can relate to. Here, in no particular order, is what I would like to see:

Survivor Ptown: Twenty-four ladies are divided into two flag football teams and left stranded on Herring Cove Beach with nothing but a case each of Miller Light and one pool table. Contestants must build shelter, find food, and fashion pool cues out of driftwood. Object is to out shoot, out smart, and out lay your opponents.

The Butchelorette: A spin-off of the wildly popular heterosexual version, this show would have 14 beautiful fems vie for a successful, handsome butch. Instead of handing out roses at the end of each round, the Butchelorette would give a softball to each contestant that survives the cut. On the season finale, the Butcherlorette chooses one lucky lady and presents her with a prepaid U-Haul rental agreement and a kitten.

Mel’s Kitchen: Take 18 vegans aspiring to be the country’s next culinary sensation, add in one hostile lesbian chef who hasn’t had sex since the 2002 Dinah Shore weekend, and you’ve got the makings of a super hot dish. Watch the tempers, tofu, and tempei fly as the ladies show off their cooking skills and their ability to turn flour, water, and a garden burger into vegetarian chateaubriand with portobello-mushroom sauce.

Dancing at the Bar: This show would air the first Sunday of every month from 3:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. It’s lesbo-a-go-go as the ladies are judged on their ability to execute all our favorite lesbian dances, including the Grind from Behind, the My Feet Are Planted in Cement But My Arms Work, and the Ten Shots of Tequila In and I Love You Soooooo Much Tango. Double points are awarded to those with non-repaired ACL tears who make it through an entire song without their knee popping out.

Dyke Swap: The premise is simple: couples with opposite interests and outlooks swap partners and hairstyles for seven days and must each take turns running the household. Start with a power suit–wearing, Ketel One martini–drinking, BMW-driving couple and have them swap partners with, oh, I don't know, let's say me and my partner (indulge me here, it's all part of my ongoing L Word fantasy, which does not have to stop just because the show ended). Would I be able to abide by Bette’s the household rules for an entire week? And, more important, how would I look with her hair?

The Amazon Race: Women jump in their RVs and race from campground to campground across North America in this somewhat fast-paced competition. That’s it. Not too much happens. They take some photos, read, and wash their clothes in a lake. Hey, it’s camping, it’s supposed to be boring.

*The above is a re-print of a post I originally posted Our Big Gayborhood.