tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76608712854272376212024-02-20T08:48:42.655-05:00Martini CartwheelsNot so straight up with a twist, a dose of irreverent nonsense awaits. Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.comBlogger678125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-84767048617113602042021-07-12T22:00:00.002-04:002021-07-13T11:57:55.728-04:00Meatstake<p><span style="font-family: verdana;">T<span style="background-color: white;">his pescatarian ate meat this weekend - by accident. And, similar to how it felt when I kissed my new girlfriend, I liked it. </span></span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana;">In my defense, it was chorizo. Chorizo was as foreign to my family growing up as Covid-19 vaccines are to Arkansans. So when I see it on the menu, my brain translates this:</span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana;"><i>Lightly fried and tossed with sautéed chorizo, peppers, onions, garlic, and banana peppers in a light marinara sauce</i></span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana;">to this:</span></p><p><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana;"><i>Lightly fried and tossed with <strike>sautéed chorizo</strike>, no meat here - keep going and don't forget to order lobster as your main meal and also a good IPA, peppers, onions, garlic, and banana peppers in a light marinara sauce, you'll have garlic breath when you kiss aforementioned new girlfriend but no worries because she is also going to eat this.</i></span></p><p><span style="font-family: verdana;">From here on in, it's RTFM - read the fish menu. </span></p>Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-21482311794975730632019-04-27T17:44:00.003-04:002019-04-27T17:44:31.070-04:00No Stud Anywhere To Be Found<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Nailed it. Think I finally found the stud. And the screws, although stripped like a dancer at the Magic Lantern, are almost flush with the wall. Let's see what happens when I load this 7 foot tall case up with books. Stand back. Way back. </span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf2-i-9fVqQtd9RQRMLDBtQ-G0B0xbYfNGOi46n798sOHCWcOmSB4h0RBseMWuo2w-v2xq6XnbN5x5tc5K6OI6cLQojhXIjx_lGxoTLE_NUgzcNu__fHCEaX37f0GOa-p28HpsNmfsum9m/s1600/nailed+it.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="778" data-original-width="960" height="259" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf2-i-9fVqQtd9RQRMLDBtQ-G0B0xbYfNGOi46n798sOHCWcOmSB4h0RBseMWuo2w-v2xq6XnbN5x5tc5K6OI6cLQojhXIjx_lGxoTLE_NUgzcNu__fHCEaX37f0GOa-p28HpsNmfsum9m/s320/nailed+it.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-33266870128043342852019-04-12T08:00:00.000-04:002019-04-12T08:00:07.748-04:00<span style="background-color: #f5f8fa; color: #14171a; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">To all my friends living in areas where there are windmill farms - please get yourself screened for windmill cancer. I heard the test is a real breeze. </span></span>Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-62910750979824744952019-04-11T22:04:00.002-04:002019-04-11T22:04:31.744-04:00But Can You Juggle?<span style="font-size: large;">Went for a check up last month and found out I'm an inch shorter than I used to be.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Bought new shoes last week and found out I'm half a size bigger than I thought.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Apparently my height is decreasing while my feet are elongating. At this rate I'll eventually be 4 feet tall with size 15 shoes. Add a red nose and a wig and I can spend my golden years as a circus clown.</span><br />
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<br />Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-3151899330020031372018-02-19T19:30:00.000-05:002018-02-19T19:31:18.262-05:00There's A Draft In HereBeer tip of the day. A few pints of a nice hoppy IPA followed by spoonfuls of maple pretzel peanut butter, Cheez-Its, and gulps of water may have the following side effects: sleeplessness, headache, nausea, vomiting, and disrupted sleep for other members of the household.<br />
<br />
On to more pressing matters, specifically an "Official Summons For Juror Service". <br />
<br />
Jury duty equals a day full of anxiety and stress for the following reasons:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Courthouses are typically located in areas with limited parking</li>
<li>It always seems to fall on a day when there is something important going on at work</li>
<li>You are forced to sit for hours in a room full of strangers</li>
<li>Raising your hand when you have to pee is embarrassing</li>
<li>The worry that the sushi/chicken salad/blue cheese dressing/yogurt you ate the night before was actually a day past its expiration and will be letting you know that very soon</li>
</ul>
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**This post is a draft from a few months back that I never got around to finishing. So here is the update.<br />
<br />
Jury duty was easy peasy. A big hint that early dismissal was imminent happened when the clerk informed the jury pool that no judge was available for the standard jury duty pep talk. Shortly thereafter, just as I was settling in to my second episode of Flea Market Flip, we were sent home. It was 9:30am. After surprising my sweetie at her office building and grabbing breakfast, I headed back home where I immediately signed into work. Like an ass. Who does that? Who doesn't take advantage of a free day off from work? I should have headed back to the court house and had myself arrested for being stupid.<br />
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Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-60900519569506009672017-07-16T09:48:00.003-04:002017-07-16T09:49:23.704-04:00Turning Up The HeatIt is July. Or as we like to call it, one more month to use the pool before it gets too cold in Massachusetts. I like my pool water to be about 89 degrees, more like a big hot tub minus the bubbles. I won't dry dive directly into the pool unless it is at this temp or higher. Or maybe if I was being chased by zombies. (Assuming zombies can't swim and that chlorine makes their parts fall off).<br />
<br />
When I was about 4 years old I dove into the bathtub. It explains a lot I know. There was water in the tub, not that it mattered. It wasn't so much as a swan dive but a head first half jump/half roll into the back ledge. It left me with a nice egg on my forehead and a new appreciation for porcelain. It was ok however because the water was <i>warm</i>.<br />
<br />
You know those people who do polar plunges into the ocean in January? I will never be one of those people. If I were Jack from the Titanic, I would have clunked Rose over the head with that floating piece of wood and hauled my ass out of that freezing water.<br />
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Enjoy your weekend! May your drinks be cold and your water be warm.<br />
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<br />Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-52410438276958081102017-04-22T08:16:00.003-04:002017-04-22T08:18:24.350-04:00A Limerick For The Fox News Dirty Old Man<div style="color: #1d2129; font-family: 'San Francisco', -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, '.SFNSText-Regular', sans-serif; letter-spacing: -0.23999999463558197px; margin-bottom: 6px; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">My tribute to Bill O:</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">There once was an old man from Fox news,</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">who had very conservative views.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">He said watch this trick</span></div>
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">as he pulled out his ****,</span></span></span></div>
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</span></span>
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">And now he is singing the blues.</span></span></span><br />
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</span></span>Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-12912332869642598452017-04-15T09:15:00.003-04:002017-04-15T09:15:56.462-04:00Lessons from the PulpitI don't subscribe to any organized religion and the only time I find myself in a church is for a wedding or a funeral. The last couple of days however, I have been listening to snippets of Joel Osteen's radio broadcast. His words can be inspirational even for a heathen like myself. Joel's message seems similar to the law of attraction but with biblical references thrown in. I can almost relate.<br />
<br />
Today's talk was about not holding on to anger and bitterness. In order to move forward in life, we can't be carrying around excess emotional baggage. That makes sense to me. Tell me more Joel!<br />
<br />
Somebody cut you off on your commute? Drop it, leave it, let it go says Joel. Got your knickers in a twist about something that happened at work? Drop it, leave it, let it go. A friend of yours voted for Trump? Drop it, leave it, let it go. (That last one is my example and personal challenge of late.)<br />
<br />
With Joel's sermon fresh on my mind, I pulled into the driveway and walked through the door. The dogs ran over to greet me in their usual manner. And because they missed me so much, they left me a present on the kitchen floor. In order to destroy the evidence, one of our clever little ones walked over to the Yorkie cigar and moved in for a bite. Suddenly the words that had been floating around in my head were now audible. "Drop it, leave it, let it go!"<br />
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It worked. Thank you Joel. I may be tuning in more often.Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-75762550441075423602017-02-09T11:54:00.003-05:002017-02-09T14:39:27.099-05:00Are Those Your Spin Pants Or Are You Happy To See Me?First post of 2017. Frankly, between a stressful 2016 and a bumpy start to 2017 I haven't felt funny. That is, until I wore my new spinning tights for the first time.<br />
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Normally I wear a loose fitting style of capri pants with a removable pad that snaps in place. I love them except for the fact that they are not very aerodynamic (because I spin like the wind) and they sometimes twist up a bit. Other than that, I am very comfortable wearing them, both physically and emotionally. I 💜 them.</div>
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Cycling tights are interesting. First of all, they are form fitting like no other piece of clothing I have ever worn. My soft butch perpetual weekend look does not include anything that hugs my body. The tights make me a bit self conscious, a feeling that is multiplied by going commando while wearing them. I walk in such as way so that no one can see my backside. Awkward. I look as though I am line dancing my way to the cycling room.</div>
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Second, they have a built in pad. It sort of feels like wearing an adult diaper. Good practice for when I am in the nursing home. Instead of a visible panty line, I now have a bulge protruding from my backside and crotch. The good part is that it prevents any trace of my anatomy from showing. The bad part is it creates a visual that could be disturbing. </div>
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<div>
Now the real test. They feel great while sitting on the bike. The pad is a bit bigger than I am used to but it does the trick. I'm thinking a few more adjustments and a built in battery pack and I'm ready to debut a new type of lady workout pants on Shark Tank. More bang for you buck so to speak. </div>
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<div>
Perhaps my next purchase will be a pair of cycling shoes so I can clip myself to the pedals, locking myself to the bike until such time when the class ends and I can be rescued by the instructor. Like the wind!</div>
Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-51435880642955505092016-11-24T08:56:00.000-05:002016-11-24T09:12:45.119-05:00My Thanksgiving Wish For YouThere are so many things for which to be thankful for today. And one thing for which I and so many others are not. If you are still struggling with the results of this past election, here are few things that may help ease your pain.<br />
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<br /></div>
<div>
<ol>
<li>Meditate: Take some time for you. Find a quiet space, close your eyes, and breath deeply. </li>
<li>Exercise: Join a gym, go for a walk, move your body. Release that stress! Run as far as you can without stopping, perhaps all the way to Canada.</li>
<li>Get back to nature: Hike the great outdoors. Find two sticks, about 5 inches in length. Now whittle the ends of those sticks into a nice sharp point and push them hard into your ear canal. Ahh...relief from the pain of the past few weeks.</li>
<li>Take up a new hobby such as wine tasting. Buy yourself 7 cases of mixed varieties. Make notes on your favorites. After the weekend, when you have depleted your stock, head back to the liquor store for 7 more cases and perhaps a wheel of cheese or two.</li>
<li>Read a good book. My new favorites include "50 Turds A Day - Messages From The New Administration", and "Orange Is The New Hack", and "The Fart of The Steal - The Day America Lost Its Soul".</li>
</ol>
<div>
Wishing you all a very happy, safe, and fun filled holiday.</div>
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Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-34517758245526632122016-06-17T07:14:00.000-04:002016-06-17T20:48:53.761-04:00Trashy on Trash DayIn the early post dawn hours, when you think all your neighbors are still in bed, what do you wear to bring out the trash on trash day?<br />
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How far will you go? Will you venture down the driveway in your pajamas? In your bathrobe?<br />
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Here was my garbage chic inspired outfit for this morning:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjubh_0uKg3WrlO_MbZM_mm7xfJWns4F4tNCSPHuARuupg7X7OdwieexvKFjGc8I7eiDeT1q96Z61o-1nrLSR3Sy9uxQJwpUzEzCjWgEvirKCjPfiwm3vvPiKHAe4hN8kLKRhJgFmgiqhob/s1600/trash+day+outfit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjubh_0uKg3WrlO_MbZM_mm7xfJWns4F4tNCSPHuARuupg7X7OdwieexvKFjGc8I7eiDeT1q96Z61o-1nrLSR3Sy9uxQJwpUzEzCjWgEvirKCjPfiwm3vvPiKHAe4hN8kLKRhJgFmgiqhob/s320/trash+day+outfit.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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So CJ. Who are you wearing? I'm wearing my own design, one that accentuates the incredible bed head I woke up with this morning.<br />
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Black slip on shoes, the pair I typically wear to work, accented with red M&M boxers, a flannel shirt (Walmart's best), and a Seahawks* football t-shirt combined beautifully to create this amazing ensemble.<br />
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Neighbors - you are welcome. You all now realize just how good you look today.<br />
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For added bonus trashy girl points, we are giving away this gently used suitcase which is your for the taking at the end of the driveway.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4Nse7hyapkWXGwQQ47vpkJdDAse2WisYBtTq_a7_RqGDVGPtwG3RAlXHI5A4wUQ337TAh0DmVzaX2036sfXJTLyZk0Kxotn8R_7NzTAWDeacA2kAgruOOY7YD6DPFTqQzrezIrfg6Xe1u/s1600/trash+day+prize.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4Nse7hyapkWXGwQQ47vpkJdDAse2WisYBtTq_a7_RqGDVGPtwG3RAlXHI5A4wUQ337TAh0DmVzaX2036sfXJTLyZk0Kxotn8R_7NzTAWDeacA2kAgruOOY7YD6DPFTqQzrezIrfg6Xe1u/s320/trash+day+prize.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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*I am totally a Patriot's fan but on a recent trip to Seattle, we picked up Seahawks t's as we needed something to sleep in. Tommy I'm sorry.Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-60660760427000194522016-06-14T16:55:00.000-04:002016-06-14T17:13:42.259-04:00Now Boarding Rows 1 Through 10. Is There Room For Your Carry On?Here's an interesting texting typo I created last week:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWQ9mafOs1s8oekDJDqNiWCAHKodgXMujjibWPEkbg6HwCBZGMihzTPylfP85IyLza4s0QfcKVLwOyDbG9WGjMjJcpg3bI49OVvdtfLyAOtBexw57ctLGkz9B65eXNH9yXNCfDnMDULnFu/s1600/bag+vs+vag.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="110" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWQ9mafOs1s8oekDJDqNiWCAHKodgXMujjibWPEkbg6HwCBZGMihzTPylfP85IyLza4s0QfcKVLwOyDbG9WGjMjJcpg3bI49OVvdtfLyAOtBexw57ctLGkz9B65eXNH9yXNCfDnMDULnFu/s320/bag+vs+vag.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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And if airline seats get any smaller, I can see this being an actual problem. Can you imagine? I'm sorry ma'am, but there is no way both of you can seat in one seat. You will have to purchase an additional ticket for "her".<br />
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What would happen then? Would she want the window or middle seat? That's assuming she would even want to sit next to me. I mean, we are together 24/7 so she may want a little alone time, out in the open air, where she is free of any restraint.<br />
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And what if she is chatty, flapping her lips the whole time? I'm not a big talker when I travel, preferring instead to bury my head in a magazine so I can take my mind off the flight and enjoy my Ativan.<br />
<br />
I imagine the conversation going as such:<br />
<br />
She: I hate that bike seat at spin class. You have no idea what it's like.<br />
Me: Spin class is only 50 minutes. You can handle it. I bought you padded shorts. Those weren't <br />
cheap you know.<br />
She: What do you think of this look? [points to picture from a glamour magazine]<br />
Me: Absolutely not. No pompadours. I don't care how popular they are. Why did you hit the call<br />
button?<br />
She: I 'm cold. I want a blanket and a snack. Maybe some cheese and crackers and a glass of wine.<br />
Me: No wine! You know how you get after a few drinks.<br />
She: Zip it. You're not the boss of me.<br />
Me: You zip it!<br />
She: Ok, you asked for it.<br />
Me: I was only kidding! Wait!<br />
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Lesson learned. Always board the plane in time to make room for your carry-on, whatever that may be.<br />
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<br />Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-1530171426047118622016-04-24T08:22:00.001-04:002016-04-24T08:23:48.660-04:00How To Ace Your Annual Employee ReviewIf you work for an organization that has a fiscal year starting July 1, you may be preparing for your annual merit review. Sometimes this process is accompanied by the "pre-review" questionnaire where you write down all the great things you did during the year. It usually starts off something like this: "Highlight your major accomplishments for the 2016 fiscal year. Please include specific references to each time you restrained yourself from choking the living shit out of a co-worker."<br />
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I believe the pre-review is an outdated method of accurately accessing an employee's accomplishments. Therefore I would like to propose that from now on, the employee pre-review consists entirely of interpretive dance, performed while wearing an unitard, set to a Mongolian throat singing soundtrack.<br />
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Sound good? Great. Now get practicing!Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-76874343529721795472015-11-19T22:05:00.001-05:002015-11-19T22:05:31.878-05:00No Toilet? No Worries.<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I saw a commercial today for a prescription medication that treats the symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome. Among those symptoms - URGENT DIARRHEA. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Which begs the following question. Is there anything such as non-urgent diarrhea? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Hey don't worry about me. I've got knee buckling stomach pain and burning flatulence from that street taco I just ate. But it's no problem because I have non-ugrent diarrhea. It can wait."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Non-urgent diarrhea is the distant cousin painless gum grafting. Not that I would know. I've had neither. </span><br />
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<br />Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-44219582314010300772015-11-08T12:34:00.000-05:002015-11-08T12:38:05.533-05:00Feeling Blue In Massachusetts<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB_JGCs8wT5jwtm4HAUChkQIPXT44BBsVhkRkEUhbgaVKfjhr4dXG8yZLoO-OdqJREQlxAV9pfLvLM_f2qV23qWdcLX3Nz8bUHbtICa4ASZQ_EfuMx4dm-7IuDSxwR4faVK5AZrh2TYYVX/s1600/balls+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="332" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB_JGCs8wT5jwtm4HAUChkQIPXT44BBsVhkRkEUhbgaVKfjhr4dXG8yZLoO-OdqJREQlxAV9pfLvLM_f2qV23qWdcLX3Nz8bUHbtICa4ASZQ_EfuMx4dm-7IuDSxwR4faVK5AZrh2TYYVX/s400/balls+copy.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Meanwhile back in western Massachusetts....</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I believe this rubber object is supposed to represent male genitalia. I say this with some uncertainty for a couple of reasons. </span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I'm pretty sure they are not usually blue unless they are on the verge of exploding. This set did not explode the whole time I was watching them.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">This thing looks dirty and stretched out, like it has been around the block and broken a few times. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It moved freely, swinging from left to right and back again, almost like it had a mind of its own.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It was attached to something even more unattractive than itself.</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Wait a minute, I think I just answered my own question. </span></div>
<br />Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-87988594165700974062015-11-01T08:10:00.000-05:002015-11-01T08:28:53.766-05:00Adventures in Gum Grafting Day 4I skipped my Day 3 update. I was just too whiney. My mouth felt like the Chicopee Landfill.<br />
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In case you are interested or are considering having this procedure, here is my status for today:<br />
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<li>Still feeling pretty tired on day 4 post procedure. I'm not sure if this is due to the pain meds or just a normal part of the healing process</li>
<li>Although it's ok at this point to chew soft foods on my good side, I continue to stick with foods that I can just swallow down like yogurt, protein shakes, and baby food. Chewing scares me.</li>
<li>I wake up to find that there is still some bleeding during the night. Now that Halloween has come and gone that shit can stop. Vampire season is over.</li>
<li>I haven't washed my hair since the day of the procedure. I have an irrational fear that scrubbing my head will somehow loosen the stitches in my mouth.</li>
<li>I may actually get out of the house today! </li>
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Thanks for reading. I hope everyone has a wonderful rest of the day!</div>
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<br />Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-90864376395336520402015-10-30T16:37:00.000-04:002015-10-30T16:38:09.991-04:00Adventures in Gum Grafting Day 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQP6ird8pqaix5n6R2f4p8dEE_qovwYNK_w4OzxF4uvufS2IcqG5nHscgDGUm7nAc2phUNQZnZqpY6Tq6rKXFpeBxS93idu_hAuVn-vaSrZlp-PlMcetaUxapWFy4CAxLuTvHuPxxHT6_M/s1600/babby+food+banannas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQP6ird8pqaix5n6R2f4p8dEE_qovwYNK_w4OzxF4uvufS2IcqG5nHscgDGUm7nAc2phUNQZnZqpY6Tq6rKXFpeBxS93idu_hAuVn-vaSrZlp-PlMcetaUxapWFy4CAxLuTvHuPxxHT6_M/s400/babby+food+banannas.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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You know what is quite tasty? Baby food. It would be even better if it was available in birthday cake, sharp cheddar, or pancake flavors.<br />
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I had my gum graft surgery yesterday morning and although I felt a little uncomfortable when I first got up, I'm still managing comfortably with the 600mg of ibuprofen.<br />
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I'm hungry and a bit terrified to open my mouth wide enough to chew with my good side. I've been sticking with protein shakes and baby food. I'm playing it safe. Rest assured however, when my mouth is completely healed I will be eating a large tuna sub with a bag of chips and chasing it all down with a pound of peanut M&Ms.<br />
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<br />Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-84427848303082145802015-10-29T19:36:00.000-04:002015-10-29T19:38:41.824-04:00Adventure In Gum Grafting Day 1<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Here's what your shopping cart may look like if you ever undergo a gingival graft procedure. I had mine just about 8 hours ago. It was a <span style="background-color: white; line-height: 18px;">connective-tissue </span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">graft, the process in which they cut a flap in the roof of our mouth, harvest tissue from under the flap, stitch the flap shut, and then stitch the harvested tissue to the area of the gum that has receded. Fun!</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The 7 shots of novocaine seemed to have worked as the procedure itself was not very painful. I was sent home with prescription strength Motrin , antibiotics, and Vicodin. As you can probably guess by my ability to type this post, I have not taken anything but the Motrin and the antibiotic.</span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I've been told the pain and discomfort gets worse at night. I may bring out the big guns at that point so I can get some sleep. And since I'm not suppose to lay on the side of my face, the recliner in the living room is going to be my bed, at least for tonight.</span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: large; line-height: 18px;">Part 2 to follow! </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></span>Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-81741041842329762732015-10-27T22:31:00.001-04:002015-10-27T22:31:53.900-04:00Pumpkin Spice and Personal Hygiene <span style="font-size: large;">I may have been exaggerating slightly when I told my one of my besties that there was such a thing as pumpkin spice tampons. I laughed so hard at her response however, that I had to change my pumpkin spice panty liner.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlSg4K0ugNXAnSKUdioC3t4YQ8bb41pCJClOnDO98AYTz3DuzvVgwAb-tDVYM1OSlVP6YDGVy7HigSRLvHM8VNwtqhA8XSIyvpnDcOhBn-zuP8ndAHIx-Nqj3AszL8zct51hEQOPn8mZCM/s1600/Pumpkin+Tampons.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlSg4K0ugNXAnSKUdioC3t4YQ8bb41pCJClOnDO98AYTz3DuzvVgwAb-tDVYM1OSlVP6YDGVy7HigSRLvHM8VNwtqhA8XSIyvpnDcOhBn-zuP8ndAHIx-Nqj3AszL8zct51hEQOPn8mZCM/s640/Pumpkin+Tampons.jpg" width="358" /></a></div>
<br />Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-52541180170462282092015-07-26T04:00:00.000-04:002015-07-26T04:00:12.774-04:00Alcohol + FB = TroubleSo I may have had a few drinks and the casino in Connecticut last week and I may have posted something on Facebook that mentioned people that direct the smoke from their cigarette or cigar directly into your face are dicks. I also commented on a news article about requiring student driver vehicles to be clearly marked as such. My well thought out comment? "Stupid Idea."<br />
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FBI, also known as Facebooking While Intoxicated, is a very dangerous thing. How many times have you woken up, frantically searched for your phone, and signed into your account only to find your status reads "My ex's new girlfriend is a total bitch", "I want to hump my next door neighbor behind the shed", "I'm quitting sniffing glue right after the weekend", or "Look at my great new kitten tattoo!"<br />
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Please people, let's be there for one another when friends are in the midst of committing an FBI. A quick text, a message on FB, or a phone call can save your friend hours or perhaps days and months of embarrassment. Let's hope anyone that reads this blog will not have to endure the repercussions of an FBI. But if you do, I promise to only laugh a little before pretending I have no idea who you are.<br />
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<br />Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-49031450006471274142015-07-25T10:13:00.001-04:002015-07-25T10:13:42.274-04:00The Drink Is Always Greener….I think I have figured out how to create my own green drinks instead of buying expensive powders.<br />
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Get some broccoli from the grocery store. When you get home, run some cold water over it. Before it dries, take it outside and rub it in the dirt. Now grab a couple of fistfuls of grass and maybe a dandelion or two and a tall weed. Come back in the house and open a beer.<br />
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Place the dirt covered broccoli, grass, weed and dandelions in a blender. Throw in one blueberry for flavor. Add 8 ounces room temp water and mix that bad boy up. Pour the contents of the blender into a juice glass and the contents of the beer into a pint glass. Drink the beer. <br />
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Easy peasy! I said I could make them. I didn't say I would drink it.<br />
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<br />Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-13902770625991020002015-07-25T04:00:00.000-04:002015-07-25T04:00:13.002-04:00When Good Thoughts Go BadA very good friend of the family passed away last Saturday. His name was Richard but everyone called him Dick. He lived a long and interesting life, was generous and thoughtful, and will be missed by many.<br />
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After he was cremated, I pondered how someone could be here one minute and gone the next. And then this thought popped into my head - "All we are left with is Dick in a box". <br />
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Wrong on a few levels, especially if you have seen this:<br />
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<a href="http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/snl-digital-short-d-in-a-box/n12100">http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/snl-digital-short-d-in-a-box/n12100</a><br />
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<br />Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-62164291461699125732015-07-24T13:48:00.001-04:002015-07-24T13:48:43.796-04:00Ignore The Off TasteDont' you just love a good text exchange between married folk?
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The following text messages were sent between my niece and her husband. <br />
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Breakfast Arsenic Blend. Now available in A-Kups at your favorite retailer. Apparently I'm not the only one in the family with the off sense of humor :)<br />
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Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-1030996156255186082015-07-14T22:47:00.000-04:002015-07-14T22:47:01.559-04:00Eyes On Your Own Meter!Spinning is a great workout. Get the heart rate up and burn a ton of calories while listening to a rocking playlist. For those of you not familiar with spinning, you gauge your progress and set goals by trying to maintain your RPMs within a certain range while setting the tension at a challenging level.<br />
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Challenging is a relative term. Some nights I can handle the tension on 8 and some nights I am panting at 3. Either way, I am still a wimp. One thing I don't do however, is check out what tension my neighbor is using. I liken it to standing at a urinal in a men's room and gazing over at the guy to the immediate left or right. You may be curious, but some things are better left to the imagination. An easy way to remember this bit of etiquette is the following phrase: Just like an adjacent peter, don't you dare look at your neighbor's meter.<br />
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Not that I have ever been in a men's bathroom. Except maybe that one time at Faneuil Hall Marketplace in Boston when I had been over-served at the now defunct Lord Bunbury's Pub. I knew the error of my ways immediately however and walked right out of that toilet area with a "I meant to do that, just looking for my pretend boyfriend" attitude.<br />
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In conclusion, because I am really effing tired and have to be up in less than 6 hours, if you are looking for a quick way to get in shape you may want to check out your local spin studio. You will have fun and you'll get to go commando in those cute padded bike shorts. Ohhh baby.<br />
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Nighty night.<br />
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<br />Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7660871285427237621.post-57215528615472725522015-07-12T21:39:00.000-04:002015-07-12T21:44:37.340-04:00Sober As A JudgeSober Sunday today. Not as much fun as Saucy Saturday but since tomorrow is Masshole Monday, it's best to behave, go to bed early, and wake with a clear head. Masshole Monday is the day when all the commuters forget how to drive after the weekend. It's also the day that everyone somehow telepathically agrees to get to the exit 12 on ramp in Framingham, Mass at exactly the same time, thereby clogging up the Mass Pike and making my 68 mile commute even more hellacious.<br />
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I am doing flex hours for the summer which requires me to get up at 4:00am and leave the house by 5:15am. I'll feel like crap all week but I'll get Freebie Flex Fridays off for most of the summer dammit! Wicked Pissah! (That's Boston for very good). </div>
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Hope everyone had a Whimsical Weekend!<br />
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Martini Cartwheelshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03906053155319523438noreply@blogger.com0