Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Time To Catch Up


A poem about ketchup:

You can spread it on your burger, 
You can squirt it on your fries.
Just don't let that pointy end,
Hit you in the eye.

It's yummy on your breakfast eggs,
It's tasty on your wiener.
But don't get it on your white pants,
Or you'll be headed to the cleaners.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Lower Your Cholesterol 60 Points In Six Months!

By making minor lifestyle changes, I dropped my cholesterol level 60 points in 6 months. For example, I stopped buying potato chips which thereby prevented me from shoving handfuls of them in my mouth every night like I was going to the electric chair.

Here are some other tips:
  • Eat oatmeal every day until it starts to come out your ears.
  • Take fish oil pills.
  • Replace slices of cheese on your sandwich with bottles of beer. Two or three Sam Adams and you won't give a shit there is no cheese on your ham sandwich.
  • Honey and cinnamon tea. I read that in combination these can lower your cholesterol. Just don't do that stupid cinnamon challenge thing where you try to eat a teaspoon of it dry within one minute. It doesn't matter what your cholesterol is if you can't freaking breathe. And don't be cheap. Buy the good honey, the organic unpasteurized kind with the bee wings and legs. 
  • Exercise. Put your treadmill or exercise bike in front of a television and watch something scary and creepy like The Walking Dead. You'll run or pedal faster trying to get away from the zombies on the screen.
Try the above tips. And if they work, you can send me the $29.99 you were going to spend on that book that was supposed to help you achieve a healthier cholesterol level.






Sunday, April 28, 2013

Caution Tape At The Wet Spot


No, it's not a crime scene. That doesn't happen until June when the odds of public intoxication,  public nudity and disturbing the peace dramatically increase.

We had some work done on the pool gates. Can't have strangers attempting to get into The Wet Spot. We have enough trouble with the people we know and love (and this means you Stiffy and Min - try to keep your clothes on this season at least until July).

The Wet Spot will be opening on May 6th! Of course, it may be a little green at first but once it has a good cleaning, The Wet Spot will be ready for fun. Get your tanning butter ready!