Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Hot Mess

Little Red Baby Butch

I remember that day. Hanging out at the beach for hours on end, getting my skin to match the color of my shirt. Swollen eyelids, blisters on the top of my feet, pimples gone, teeth white as can be (in contrast to my bright red face) - damn I looked good! Or so I thought. "Oh look at me! I'm so burned that I woke up with my eyelids stuck shut. How cool is that?"

Of all the stupid shit I did in my teens and twenties, the biggest regret I have is spending so much time in the sun with no sunscreen or a sunscreen with an spf of 4 or lower. All my friends did it. We thought it looked hot to go from pasty white to butterball brown with a week or two of flaming red and peeling skin thrown in between.

I went to the dermatologist a few weeks back. They love to dig things out of you don't they? To date most of the things I have had checked have been normal. But they leave behind a nice reminder to always use sunblock. I now wear a hat while sitting out by the pool and I only skinny dip at night, which not only saves my skin but the eyesight of the neighbors as well.

That's a shoulder not a nipple.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

And The Best Player Is...

I am out for with friends for dinner and somehow we ended up being part of a men's soccer banquet. This awards ceremony is boring me to tears.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Boston Post Rd,Wilbraham,United States

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Nuts and Bolts


So following the logic of this store and seeing that the Trojans are hanging under the beer nuts, I'm assuming the contraceptive sponges are located somewhere below the chicken breasts?

Saturday, December 18, 2010

It's A Wash

Shopping. Agghh. I went the mall today. And I've been a bad holiday shopper. One gift for you, one for me.

Today I came home with a perfume called Beyoncé Heat (for women). I lean more towards spicy colognes found at the men's counter. There's something about this perfume however, that I really like. So when I found it on sale, I bought a gift set for myself that included perfume, lotion, and body wash.

And let me tell you, I can't wait to take a shower tomorrow with Beyoncé.

Happy shopping. {Smile}


Friday, December 17, 2010

Knot So Easy

My oldest niece (she is 6 years younger than I am) had disc surgery the other day so I went to visit her in the hospital. One of the things that was bothering her was this giant knot she somehow got in her hair during the course of the surgery.

This knot was so tight you could have used it to anchor a cruise ship to a dock. I thought they were going to have to take her back to the OR just to get this freaking thing out. I used a brush. I used Moroccan hair oil. I used a my hands. I worked on it for two hours and all I did was make it worse.

Having a good dose of pain meds circulating through her system, my niece somehow tugged at the damn thing until she untangled it. I'm a little concerned she may leave the hospital with a bald spot. Hopefully her neck and back will be feeling a little bit better.

There is a reason I don't have long hair.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Gibberish

It is 10:39 pm. I've been trying to think of a post for the last hour.

And since I have to get up at 5:00 AM tomorrow morning, I don't think anything funny is going to happen in the next five minutes which will inspire me to write something other than this gibberish.

Random thoughts:
I ran a mile on the treadmill tonight, came upstairs, and ate the top of a black bottom cupcake with a handful of chips. Yum.

I've only bought three Christmas presents so far.

I really need to go to bed.




Sunday, December 12, 2010

Irene Quotes Of The Day December 12, 2010

Irene (my mother for those of you who have not seen previous related posts) is still in the nursing home and still saying wildly inappropriate things. I sat with her and two lovely ladies at their table during dinner tonight. No one seemed to like the entrée. When I inquired, Irene mentioned something about how she didn't like "the Jewish" food they serve. So first of all, Irene is in a beautiful nursing home run by the Jewish Geriatric Senior Center; second I didn't know tuna tetrazzini casserole with peas was Jewish delicacy; and third I'm pretty sure one of the woman that sits at the table is Jewish.

At least she has stopped calling the nurses nicknames such as "Dumb Dora".

Now if I could just get her to refrain from telling me who "doesn't have much longer and will be gone within in a year" as the person about whom she is speaking rolls by in their wheelchair.

Friday, December 10, 2010

I Need Twitter Friends

Who has a Twitter account? I just signed up yesterday, probably more out of curiosity more than anything else. I've found two friends and requested to follow them. So far no one is following me (big surprise). I did get a one of those @messages that said the following:

@mcartwheels Ahh... Which gyal nw!.. dnt bring up anoda fight oh. Lol RT Gidi_Girl: Omg! See Styace '§ comment.


I assumed this was just some sort of spam message or maybe Dutch until I checked out a few other profiles and saw they also had weird symbols and abbreviations other than the standard LOL, BFF, WTF, and SNAFU.


I don't have time to try to interpret that shit. If someone is going to send me a tweet, I prefer they not be a twat and spell out the message with actual words. I'm sure one can get the point across in the allotted 140 characters.


No one is really interested in when I am going to bed, what time I got up, and when I'm cleaning poop off the dog's bum, but this may prove to have some interesting moments.


Can't wait to hear what Ashton and Demi are up to!*



*That is actually a lie. But apparently they must be on Twitter quite a bit since every Hollywood gossip show seems to mention their tweets.



Thursday, December 9, 2010

Where's My Checkbook?

When I told the telemarketer that I had just walked in the door and requested he call at a later time, he apologized sincerely and then said "God bless you and have a peaceful and restful sleep."

So a) he is just a thoughtful person or b) he is planning on coming to my house tonight, breaking in, and stealing a donation from me while I am sleeping.

I'm thinking it's the former but I'm double checking the door just in case it's the latter. And when he calls back, as I know he will, I'm pretty sure he's going to get a few bucks out of me. I'm sucker for polite people.



Friday, December 3, 2010

The Loonies From Topeka

I don't even want to mention their [Westboro] names. I'm afraid they Google themselves on a regular basis and the last thing I want is them coming over here for a visit.

The loonies arrived [Baptist] at my place of employment this morning. It was a small group. I didn't see Fred or Shirley so I'm guessing this is the Massachusetts regiment of these lunatics.

This woman appeared to be the leader of the pack. It wasn't sunny [Church] out so I assume the glasses are to hide her hateful red eyes. C'mon - put down your pitchfork and entertain me. Make your head spin!


This poor dumb little bastard, hasn't got a chance. They did a good job of hiding his face and horns. All this kid is getting for Christmas is a tail.


This endearing little monster wore a jacket with anti-Semitic wording.


After about forty-five minutes, these numb nuts packed up their signs and headed off in a mini van to their cave. Good riddance.




Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Stages

I'm sending out a big hug and thank you to all of you who left such kind words on this blog, comments on Facebook, emails, and phone messages regarding the loss of Coco. The house has a huge void now. We think of her everyday.

I'm moving through the stages of grief -- but in my own way. I'm skipping denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Who needs 'em?

Here are my steps:
  1. Berkshire Brewing Company's Cabin Fever: If it's grief that I must take, then let's have an Irish wake.
  2. Macaroni and Cheese: I ate it at a restaurant, I bought some at the store. If I had the extra room, I'd keep it in my night stand drawer.
  3. Chocolate: Dark bars and morsels and cake, oh my. I should save time and stick 'em directly on my thigh.
  4. Potato Chips and Chicken Sandwiches: My heart took a licking so pass me that effing chicken. With mayo. And chips. Now!
  5. To Be Determined - I'll decide what this should be after my nap.
In our hearts forever, we miss you sweet girl.