Thursday, September 30, 2010

Embarrassing Work Moments #97 and #98

Work is busy. Usually I only leave my desk to go to a meeting or walk to the ladies room. Which is where I discovered it -- chocolate pants.

Apparently I had dropped a bit of my lunch (a protein bar) onto my lap, where it then melted into my trousers. Great.

Earlier in the week I discovered another food faux pas while looking in the mirror of that same ladies room. You know how Greek yogurt is thicker than regular yogurt, almost paste-like? Well, it's also more difficult to clean off your spoon and upper lip , which is where Greek yogurt sometimes lands when you eat, read, and type on your computer concurrently. Yogurt lip is nice look if you work in the adult film industry but not if you work in a cube.

I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Bad Cow Sneeze

Did you know that when a cow sneezes, it can shoot cow boogies, with great accuracy, a distance of over four feet? Neither did I. Good thing I kept that extra napkin.

Will somebody wipe this poor cow's nose please?

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I Can't See Clearly Now

You know those magnifying glasses they sell at the drug store? Does anyone know if they make a waterproof version? I can't seem to see my armpits in the shower. I've reached a point where I need binoculars to shave my legs and cheaters to shave my armpits.

At least armpits are small. It's pretty much a given you'll get a clean sweep even if you can't verify it visually. Legs are a different story. I'd fall on my ass if I had to get up that close in the shower to make sure I didn't miss a patch.

They should make bi-focal anti-fog prescription shower goggles. That way, your legs would always turn out to be silky smooth and your landing strip wouldn't end up looking like more like a cornfield.

Just random thoughts at 10:30pm at night after rising this morning at 4:30am. Brain clutter. Night all.

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Other White Meat


Rah rah agh-agh-agh!
Ro mah sigh-sigh-sigh
Lady Gaga's turned
In to meat pie!

Ok, that's not nice I know. But what was with that outfit at the VMA awards? I almost threw up looking at it. For those of you that have not seen it, check out the pictures at the huffingtonpost.com.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

A New Spin On Watching Football

We spent the afternoon at a fantastic football party at the home of our buddies Barb and Lori. There was great food, reunions with old friends, and of course, great music courtesy of one of our hostesses, DJ Lori B. Yes, I am giving her a plug here because you are probably tired of me bitching about things I don't like and want to hear something positive for a change and because she is awesome. DJ Lori B helped us celebrate each Patriot touchdown by spinning the tunes in her and Barb's "Lady Cave" as we danced, cheered and chest bumped.

Well, I didn't chest bump. I was too busy eating cheesy snacks and drinking light beer. Besides, I didn't want to intimidate anyone by flinging my nearly A's in their direction. It's all fun and games until someone gets a black eye. Then it's just fun.


*Check out DJ Lori B at her website Martini Productions for information on this disc jockey extraordinaire and her event planning services.



Saturday, September 4, 2010

Everyone Knows It's Windy

Hurricane Earl Update: The hurricane turned out to really be nothing at all for Massachusetts. I've had more wind in my pants after eating a burrito than Earl had in 12 hours while crossing over the Bay State.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Embarrassing Work Moment # 96

I've peed on my leg at work, gone to meetings to which I was not invited, worn two different color socks, and tripped in the hallway. So today I thought I would try something different.

You know those thin paper-like breath freshener thingies? The ones that come in the little plastic packets? And you know how they stick to your tongue? Well, if you miss your mouth, they will stick to your lip too. And you can't really wipe them off because the sort of melt onto your face. The only thing you can do is lick vigorously until the suckers melt. But after they do, they leave a bit of a stain, especially if they are red. And that really sucks if it happens right before a meeting.

I'm glad tomorrow is Friday.