Thursday, July 31, 2008

You're A Big Hit

My friend Stiffy sent me this link to a web site that will tell you the number one song on the day you were born: http://www.joshhosler.biz/NumberOneInHistory/SelectMonth.htm.

Mine is "I Get Around" by the Beach Boys.

Round, round, get around, I get a round waist from sitting in the car for 4 hours a day.

Yes, that's my song.

Monday, July 28, 2008

A Kinder, Gentler Post



After ranting about menopause and my vibrating glove, I decided to go the nature route here and post Mama Robin and her 3 little ones. They reside in the shrub in front of the house. Hard to believe these babies were just small blue eggs a few weeks ago. They appear to be doing well, getting bigger every day. Mama sits on the wire and keeps a watchful eye on the nest. I'm looking forward the the impending poo mess on the sidewalk as the babies start their flying lessons.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Can I Give You A Hand With That?


I bought this vibrating glove in Provincetown a couple of summers ago. Four of us went into the store, and three of us came out with one of these things. I don't know, maybe it was the demo. It actually felt pretty good when the sales woman gave us a little back and shoulder massage. Then again, she was wearing two of them and we had been out and about on the town all afternoon sampling cocktails from various establishments. And she was probably cute.

This glove has been sitting in my t-shirt drawer ever since then. In actuality, it really doesn't give that great of a massage. And it sounds like a swarm of hornets. There are 5 little mini vibrators in it and you would swear you had just whacked open a hornet's nest when you turn it on (and that's on low speed).

Ok, I know some of you are thinking at this point that maybe this really wasn't designed to be used on your neck. I'm not even going to go there. That's an even scarier thought. Can you even imagine trying to brush the snow off your car with this thing? :)

Friday, July 25, 2008

Numbers

The results are in for some recent laboratory work I had done.

Cholesterol 261 - Guess I need to just stick to the wine and omit the cheese.
LDL,HDL, Triglycerides - Better work on those as well.
FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) - normal range is from 1.8 to 22.5, depending on when the specimen is drawn. My level is 88.3, which falls in the range for post menopausal women.

So I guess it is official. Menopause has arrived in all it's glory. I feel fine, except for those annoying hot flashes. And a couple of people told me I was more crabby than usual. Me crabby? I told them to kiss my ass. What do they know.

No, I am going to look upon this as a good thing. Late for work? Sorry, I was feeling a little tired from menopause. Forgot an important event? Gee, I can't seem to remember anything now that I am in menopause. You saw me give you the finger? Oh, it must be that darn menopause, it just makes me so irritable. Another typo on the blog? Menopause. You were going to take that parking spot? Sorry, I'm in menopause and I deserve it more than you do because I am older and wiser. Piss off.

See, it's not so bad after all ladies. Now excuse me please, I have to go stand in front of the freezer.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Lives Of Cats And Dogs

Someone sent me this email. I don't know who the author is, but it gave me a big chuckle.

DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Ran back and forth in the hall! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play tug! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ' good little hunter ' I am. Bastards!

They continue to pick me up and handle me, an obvious attempt to subvert me. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ' allergies. ' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -- and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe ... for now. Tonight I will again lay on their heads while they sleep and hope to smother them.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Why The Recycle Men Hate Me


So I missed a week and the recycles accumulated a bit. How in the world am I supposed to fit everything in that tiny little blue bucket provided by the town?

Friday, July 18, 2008

Failed Marriages - Who Is To Blame?

From Boston.com:

The state Senate voted swiftly and unanimously yesterday to strike down a 95-year-old law that blocks gay and lesbian couples from most other states from being married in Massachusetts..

So I thought this video may be appropriate for today.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

What Grace, What Style, What The...?

"Bump My Bum" Billy performing his famous Bouncing Arse Dive , "How Ya Like Me Now" Heather executing a flawless "Let's Shake On It Dive" and me doing my "Point To The Nearest Shed Dive". Summer is fun.






Sunday, July 13, 2008

Lifeguard On Duty

Mice can't swim. Well, maybe they just can't swim in chlorinated water. Just about every time I go out to skim the pool, I find some poor mouse floating face down. I think last week alone I pulled about five mice out of the water.

It's a shame really. Preventable too I think, with the proper precautions in place. So I've hired a lifeguard to help alleviate the situation. She's a good swimmer, although I think she just really wants to work on her tan. But she's pretty friendly and she works for cheap. If only I could get her to shave her legs.


Side note: Stiffy, pictured in the background, does shave her legs as far as I know. At least when she comes to the pool anyway.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Morning Reflections

This is a picture of the pool reflecting the house on one side, the fence and my legs on the other. It was taken about 6:40 AM this morning. Hoping to get in some pool time this weekend. Happy Friday!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

5000

While I wasn't looking my stat counter reached the 5000 mark. That's cool. I was hoping to catch the 5000th hit however and offer the lucky person some sort of prize, like one of the state quarters my mother had given me.

I think a lot of the people who land here do so by mistake. They Google something interesting and fun like porn star martini, puddin' pants,it gets the hose again, or flesh colored dog worms and they end up here, disappointed that they really haven't found what they are looking for.

Well, no matter how people get here, I do appreciate any and all visits. And if you think you were the 5000th hit, drop me a line. There's a state quarter here with your name on it.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Middle Age Mumblings

The results of a new study came out today. You can read about it at ABC News: Middle-Aged Misery: Why 44 Is Worst Age.

I didn't pay much attention to the results of the study, which I happened to catch on my drive in today. Then I remembered that my age, thirty-fourteen, is actually 44. The study concluded that depression peaks for people at this age. I had been in a good mood up until that point.

Let's see - gas prices, the housing market, the war, the economy - none of these things have to do with my age but they certainly could put a damper on my mood. Gray hair, hot flashes, an extra couple of pounds - all those are a result of aging and not one of them has ever really put me in a funk.

No, the only four-four combo that has put me over the edge up until now is the 4 years of the first Bush administration + the 4 years of the second Bush administration. Now that's something about which we can all be miserable, regardless of age.

Monday, July 7, 2008

When You Gotta Go Part 2


This little girl dog as you can see,
Lifts her leg like a boy when she pees.
When stooped on the grass,
She said with much sass,
If I were taller I'd go for the tree.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

What's That Buzz?


Every year there seems to be a family of hornets that moves into the pool shed. This year is no different. They usually don't bother me much, and I find if I leave them alone, they do the same in return.

One morning this past week, I was out skimming the pool when I heard a familiar buzz. I didn't see anything, but I knew it was close by. My immediate reaction was to swat the air around my head with my hands and take a few steps to my left, closer to the house and further from the shed. I didn't think much of it until a second later when I heard the buzzing once more. Again, I did my little swat thing and side stepped over a few feet. More buzzing - now I'm starting to get nervous. What if it flew up my shorts or is stuck somewhere in my hair? I started swatting and dancing, madly tugging on the edge of my shorts and moving the hair on my neck from one side to the next while quickly navigating to the side of the pool closest to the house.

And then I remembered. "Hello? Yeah, I thought you were a hornet in my shorts", I said as I answered my cell phone that was in my pocket - on vibrate. Hopefully I at least provided some entertainment for the neighbors and burned a few calories.